Hi guys, im using a throwaway for this one.
So basically I (17f) am having my 18th at my house. It’s jsut a dinner with my closest friends. I told everyone they may bring food if they like but im going to doing little cooking like some bbq food and then ordering pizza. My guy friend (“Ryan”) asked if he can bring a mutual friend we have (“Emily”)since they’re dating now. I told him yea sure because he was gonna leave early anyway. She offered to make food and I told her that would be really nice but she didn’t have to. She insisted.
I made a group chat of people coming and I invited Emily to it. I sent a message talking about when to come, to wear whatever. An important thing in the message was about allergies. I have a friend coming with a really serious nut allergy. I’ve never seen them have a reaction but I’ve been told it gets pretty bad. I wrote in the message to triple check your food doesn’t have nuts and to be aware of cross contaminating. Everyone read the message, some replied. Emily did a thumbs up on the message.
Last night me and Emily were talking and she mentioned the food she made. I told her to show me a picture and it was a cake. The cake looked like something my mum had made before and it contained nuts. I asked if it had nuts and she said yes but not a lot and my friend could jsut not eat the cake. I told her I’d rather she just didn’t bring it. She then got mad and said she’d gone through the trouble of making the cake so she’s bringing it or she isn’t coming. I told her then she’s not coming because I was clear about my friends allergy and even cross contaminating was asked to be checked, so why would I allow her to bring a whole cake? She said it was disrespectful to disinvite her and that she’s Ryan’s gf, if he’s going she’s going. I told her no, it’s my party and I didn’t want her there anymore because she was acting like a child. She stopped texting me but then I got a call from Ryan saying i was being a massive dick and she spent ages on the cake. I said I don’t care if it took her two whole weeks to make the goddamn cake, i was specific from the beginning on what u could bring and couldn’t. The only thing you couldn’t bring was something with nuts. The parts where im talking to these two is where I may be TA. I asked if she’s incompetent of reading and comprehension and if she really doesn’t know any other cake recipe. He said i was being a bitch and hung up on me.
Ryan is telling everyone him and Emily are not attending because I called them names and rejected Emily’s cake. A lot of friends, mostly ones not coming to the party, are saying it was slack to let her make something and then uninvite her because of what she made and she put effort in that cake for MY birthday. There’s only three people saying im not an AH and one of them is my friend with the nut allergy.
My party is tomorrow and I kinda want persepctive on this before then. AITA?
edit: the cake is something like a spongey cake but it’s not an actual birthday cake with frosting. I really don’t know how to explain it but it’s seen as more a “treat” cake where I live if that makes any sense at all.
You need to tell every friend who is giving you grief that you specifically told Emily that she could not bring anything with nuts. She made a cake with nuts anyway and insisted that she was going to bring it even though you said no. THAT is why she was disinvited.
NTA nut allergies kill people. It also sounds like they started the name calling first. Stick to your guns and don’t back down about it.
Emily is, unquestionably, TA in all this. Any friends who say otherwise either don’t have the whole story or are also assholes. She knew before making the cake that nuts were a no go. She chose to make it anyway. You didn’t “let” her. Had she told you before making it, you’d have told her not to. In fact, you did when you make it clear to everyone that nuts were a no go. People die from allergic reactions. You were being a good friend when you made the rule. You’re being a good friend by enforcing it. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to stick their head in a lake for a good long time. Ryan’s an asshole, too.
NTA. Protecting the person with the nut allergy comes before anything else including feelings. There’s no option. No nuts was extremely clear yet Emily went and decided to make a cake with nuts. That’s on her. Ryan and Emily aren’t good friends.
***”A lot of friends, mostly ones not coming to the party, are saying it was slack to let her make something and then uninvite her because of what she made and she put effort in that cake for MY birthday.”***
1. She was told not to do something that can kill someone. 2) She defied the instruction. 3) She doubled down when told again not to. 4) These people care more about her spending effort to risk someone’s life is more important that someone’s life. 5) These people are imbeciles.
Feel free to show them my comment.
put her comments on the group chat.
Of course NTA
You know this, OP.
If you are struggling with how to explain this- yes, it is your birthday, but you are the HOST. As a host, you have a duty of care to your guests. In protecting your guest with an allergy, you were being a good host. And you would do the same for any health, safety concerns of your other guests. Because you are a good host. End of.
Your friends are being ridiculous. The gf is being particularly ridiculous. You are fine. Enjoy your birthday!
NTA and I’d put the truth in the group chat “while I appreciate Emily’s efforts on the cake, it violated the one rule that was clearly stated about food, and that was: it’s to contain NO nuts. This was not a preference thing, but a safety issue regarding allergies. When I asked Emily not to bring the cake she issued an ultimatum that it was either her and the cake or nothing, so I picked the option that upholds guest safety. I’m sorry that the discussion escalated and I didn’t handle it appropriately at that point. Hopefully we can all move on from this.”. *Edited a word
NTA ask them all if they think it’s worth risking a medical emergency just so she can bring a cake. Ask them what’s more important, a cake or their friend’s life.
NTA… better to lose a friend than to kill one
Op: don’t bring anything with nuts
Em: ok
Em: I’m bringing a cake with nuts
Op: don’t bring it
Em: I’m not coming then
Op: ok.
NTA
You know what this is, she’s marking her territory. Your requests? Unimportant. Her efforts? Valiant.
Look closely at the people on the other side of this dispute, they may be showing you right here that they’ve already decided which side they’re on when the coming split happens.
Unfortunately this is just part of growing up, stick by your guns or risk losing real friends in the 3 who stood.
As a mom with a child who has tree nut allergies, I appreciate this level of dedication and advocacy.
Cross contamination doesn’t just occur while cooking something or in ingredients. It occurs when someone eats a piece of cake with nuts, touching it with their fingers, and then touches some serving ware or a door handle or other common surface. If the next person to touch that is the nut allergy person, that can cause a reaction. They can ‘not eat the cake’ and still have a reaction caused by the nuts in it. (This is why so many schools and preschools are nut free).
Ask Emily if she is willing to sign a legal document accepting responsibility for all costs and damages arising from triggering a nut allergy by bringing a cake with nuts after she was specifically told not to use nuts.
NTA, and thank you for protecting your friend.