Here on a throwaway just in case. I’ll start with the short version, and expand below. My spouse and I are hosting a friend while they look for a permanent place to live, and while I think their odor is… noticeable, but tolerable, my spouse thinks they smell awful, to the point of near-vomiting. AITA if I tell them they stink?
My spouse (NB, 28) and I (M, 33) are hosting a mutual friend (F, \~30) at our 1.5 bedroom apartment after she was kicked out of her house in October. She is currently living in our den, and aside from certain items (food in the fridge, coat in the hallway) all of her things are with them in the room. In the time since she’s moved in things have been mostly copacetic, however she and my spouse have had multiple discussions already about personal hygiene. She smokes tobacco and marijuana (only outside) and I personally always notice a strong odor of tobacco on her things and coming from her room (I smoke weed, so I don’t really notice that), however my spouse has confided in me multiple times that they think her body odor is also very strong. Since talking to my spouse, she has promised to work on her personal hygiene by showering more often, but they still complain pretty often to me about the smell. Today, I was told they nearly threw up while leaving because of how her jacket smelled, alongside the smell of the room (the door is right next to the coat rack), and I was asked to have another discussion with her about the smell and possibly not leaving her coat and other things out of the room any more, as my spouse doesn’t want to have a third talk with them about it. I’m conflicted because the smell doesn’t bother me, personally, and it feels kind of mean to keep pestering her. AITA if I tell her she smells, and has to do more?
Willing to provide further details if needed.
INFO: does your partner not like this person?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with telling them this is an issue and needs to be addressed. It is your home and you should be comfortable there.
INFO: Do you have actual data on how often and how this person completes hygiene?
If “being cleaner” means them showering once a week rather than one a month, that’s still insufficient for living with other people. Do they regularly wash their clothes and coat to attempt to remove the tobacco and bad hygiene smells? Is there possibly a misunderstanding such as they cannot afford soap and do not feel comfortable using yours//too embarrassed to ask?
INFO: You have been hosting someone in your living room for three months. Is there an agreed upon time limit after which she needs to find another friend to host her or any other living situation? The uncertainty of tenure may be why your spouse is piping up. This seems like it’s turning into a roommate situation.
Three months seems like long enough for a houseguest to stay and be able to find new housing.
Your spouse probably does have a more sensitive nose than most but is also just tired of having another person in a small space so things are starting to really bug them.
It’s probably time to give the houseguest a move out date to preserve the friendship and your relationship.
Or it maybe that the wife has a “normal” nose and the husband’s sense of smell is actually diminished. That happened to me and my partner years ago. After a lot of yelling and hurt feelings we found out that his sense of smell was actually very low and he never knew it. Either way it’s amazing how many people think that theirs is the norm and everyone else is just “sensitive”.
Yeah. This was my assumption, especially with the admission that he smokes weed and doesn’t notice that.
I grew up with smokers and they are nose blind. The mixed odors of the chemicals and body language can just about kill me these days. They don’t smell any of it.
Sounds like your spouse is smelling the coat of a smoker.
What is a good compromise
NTA. People who smoke tend to be less sensitive to the smell of it which is possibly why your partner is reacting more strongly. It leaves strong scent on the body, hair and clothes which can get absolutely vile the longer it sits. They may need to clean their clothes more deeply so it reduces the odour or pack them in a container away from general areas.
INFO: how much longer is this person supposed to stay with you? Was it supposed to be temporary and they’re dragging their feet? Or is this a long term situation?
If it’s not supposed to be long term then you just make it about how it’s time for her to go, you don’t need to make it about the smell. If it’s a long term situation then I think there needs to be a different discussion but regardless I’d just reconsider having her there anyway because something like that isn’t going to change permanently overnight.
How long is she staying with you?
Im betting it’s not her BO, but her jacket that she wears daily while smoking that the smell lingers on. I use both a detergent and a sanitizer. The sanitizer lifts the smell of the smoke out of clothes and it’s amazing. (Prior to trying it, detergent never really fully did it.)
Is there a closet or somewhere she can hang the jacket that is out of sight and smell from him specifically?
As a former smoker, I can confirm the house guest doesn’t realize how much the odor of tobacco or weed cling to their clothing. I also have a coworker with cats, and assume the cats sleep on his coat. We become noseblind to things that are offensive to others. I wonder if the continued criticism is more about getting the guest to leave!
NTA. Give her a move out date, in writing. And while you shouldn’t be mean, you need to tell her again, and clearly, that she needs to wash herself more thoroughly, use deodorant and to wash her clothes and bedding. I bet this is why she was thrown out of her last place.
I suggest telling her to move out instead
There’s no way to get rid of the smell of a smoker in the house 🤷♂️