I genuinely feel bad that I upset her, but this is a reoccurring issue when she gets intoxicated. She’s the type where when she drinks, she gets louder and louder before eventually beginning to loudly shriek.
Though I don’t have diagnosed sensory issues, I get overwhelmed and very stressed when in very loud environments. When she does it at home, I simply go to my room to decompress. However, we’re currently visiting my grandparents. They live in a 2 floor condo, and I don’t have a room I can go to decompress here. I tried going to the second floor and putting headphones in, but she was so loud it was like I hadn’t even left the room. As such, I left to go on a walk, and the issue occurred and she asked me if everything is alright.
What happened was that she started shrieking "ChiJohn ChiJohn ChiJohn" over, similar to kids in a car screaming McDonalds over and over. It was loud enough that my grandmother (who also doesn’t like when she starts screaming) mentioned that her expensive noise cancelling headphones weren’t helping. ChiJohn is this mascot thing that John Oliver made, and she was screaming it trying to get my grandfather to watch the episode ChiJohn is from.
This is the text I sent her that was the catalyst to her storming out:
"Please don’t yell like you were before I left. What happened was that (Grandfather) kept turning that grating singing (He likes showing us music, and due to him being hard of hearing, he tends to play it very loudly. He was showing a video of a guy who can sing a falsetto. Very talented, but also very loud and high pitch) up and then you started shrieking about ChiJohn. When I’m home and you start yelling like that, I can simply go to my room and drown it out. I don’t have a space to go to here, so the only choice I had was to leave to decompress. The shrieking combined with the shrill singing really bothered me."
I completely admit I should have handled it better, and apologized to her before she stormed out. This was the culmination of years of her doing this whenever she’s intoxicated, pretty much forcing me to leave the room because of how overwhelmed the loud noise makes me. In the past, my grandmother has asked her to tone it down to a similar result.
Her reaction was (summary from my memory, so it of course is biased) "I’m sorry I’m not allowed to have fun! If it makes you happy, then I’ll shut up!" I then apologized and told her that it wasn’t her having fun that was the issue, but specifically the yelling about ChiJohn. She then stormed out of the house, and my grandfather ended up having to drive out and find her because he was uncomfortable with her being out alone while intoxicated.
I feel very bad. I didn’t mean to ruin her evening, I just really hoped that letting her know that the yelling was bothering me would just result in her toning it down a little. Am I the asshole? I know I should have handled it better, but I don’t know if I should just take a walk and say nothing going forward.
NTA. Getting so intoxicated that you can’t control your volume and then lashing out and storming away when politely told to quiet down is so immature. Please don’t feel bad for speaking up, I have sensory issues and I know exactly the overwhelmed feeling you mean and it’s AWFUL! Don’t let her defensive reaction make you feel guilty for speaking up, it was absolutely valid.
Your mom sounds like an annoying drunk. NTA.
Idk your age but I would start saving, working a lot and getting your own place after your life is in order
Plan on it this year. Just finished my masters. It really isn’t a huge issue at home, just when on vacation with my grandparents. She can’t do a lot around the house on her own, so I decided to live with her until I graduated to help with upkeeping the home.
Does your mother have an alcohol dependency problem? If so, please ask your grandparents to help you
No, she doesn’t actually drink that often at home, maybe once or twice a month when her friend comes over, hence why I just go upstairs. It’s when we visit my grandparents that she does it every night while on vacation. And I’m actually a young adult, sorry if I came across as a kid in the post, hit the word count. This is a pure annoyance situation, not a kid with an alcoholic parent.
Ok hon. Thanks for letting me know
NTA – if you and other people are asking her to do same thing, the problem is her, not you. Also, she tried to guilt trip you with the whole “I’m not allowed to have fun.” and that is straight up manipulation and not accepting responsibility for her behavior.
NTA.
When someone is shrieking, it doesn’t really matter if it’s in excitement or anger, it triggers the same stress response. You’re not a bad person for wanting a reasonable amount of quiet, especially if you’ve done everything in your power to dampen the noise and relocated yourself.
I would end it there, but my mom’s an alchoholic so I’ll also say this: Your mother is emotionally immature. Her being drunk or “having fun” doesn’t excuse her abusive response to you asking her to take accountability for her bullshit. If she is drinking enough that she’s acting like a stupid teenager and storming off while out of it, she is robbing you of a respectable and dependable mother. She’s a grown woman and her parents shouldn’t be chasing after her, they should be drawing a line about drinking while visiting if it’s distressing to everyone in different ways.
NTA next time when she starts guilt tripping you don’t back down. Say, Yes it would make me happy if you shut up instead of shrike when you’re drunk. Don’t apologize, because some people don’t hear “I’m sorry about specific thing” they hear “I was wrong to even speak”
The noise isn’t the issue, she needs to stop getting drunk and being obnoxious.