TW: family conflict, mental health
I don’t even know where to start. This week has been one of the worst of my life and I feel completely overwhelmed.
For context, my bf (25M, WAsian) of four years made a judgemental joke about Black people and football. I’m (22F, Black) and I broke up with him. A week later, I stupidly started talking to him again. I hate that I did, but he’d been my safe space for years and it’s been hard to let go.
Before the breakup, I lent my younger sister (19F) my laptop and forgot my messages were linked. She had it for the week and later admitted she read my private messages. Yesterday, my mum (40F) stormed into my room yelling because my sister told her I’d been talking to my ex about her and her boyfriend (35M). I didn’t argue with my mum, I just stayed silent, in shock I guess.
For more context, my mum’s boyfriend has been horrible. Police have been involved, there have been screaming matches, threats, tantrums, and a lot of chaos that my ex witnessed when we were together. I recently confided in him about this again, as I was angry, but I understand completely why my family doesn’t trust him.
Later I texted my sister asking for my laptop charger back. A day later she replied asking for a social media account she gave me over three years ago. It had a good amount of followers, it was for my music career. Over time, I built it up myself. The page had millions of likes from her old posts and my newer ones. I got really hurt and upset by his and just broke down and deleted all the posts, which also erased likes. I know I messed up here but I wasn’t thinking clearly and I feel bad about it.
Now my family is calling me selfish, evil, and “playing the victim.” This morning my sister came into my room at 6am screaming, and everyone joined (my other sister 18F and brother 15M). I felt completely overwhelmed.
I tried to explain that I’m not with my ex, that the messages contained things I’d already said before, and that I wasn’t in a good headspace. My sister insulted me and everyone said deleting the account was “evil” and plotting on their downfall and that I needed to stop making everything about myself.
They also said I should’ve gone to them instead of my ex (I opened up to him about my really bad mental health, my sis saw). When I said the messages showed how low I’ve been for a long time, they laughed, called me attention seeking, and said I’d “never actually do anything.” But they said it worser than that, if you get my drift.
Now I feel ashamed… exhausted and completely alone. I don’t feel emotionally safe at home and I don’t know if I overreacted… AITA?
TL;DR: I broke up with my ex after a horrible joke but later spoke to him again. My sister read my private messages with him without permission and told my family. During a breakdown, I deleted a social media account with vids both I and my sister made that had millions of likes. Now my family is calling me evil and selfish, and I feel lost.
Why is your sister invading your privacy? And why would she want a social media account she has nothing to do with?
Not gonna judge you, but if you need someone to talk to
https://www.nami.org/nami-helpline/
ESH – Your sister betrayed your privacy. You did something purely retaliatory. Your mom needs to figure her shit out before she comes after other people.
But more importantly, please take care of yourself. You’re going through a shitty time right now, but even this most recent fallout from the computer thing is not worth spiralling even worse over.
So, let’s see,
1. You backed off your boyfriend after he was insensitive racially, but still talk to him without getting back together. Reasonable since you were together for so long.
2. You talked to your boyfriend, in confidence, about your mother’s abusive boyfriend…stuff that HE kept in confidence.
3. Your SISTER invaded your privacy and took offense to you and your boyfriend sharing confidences about family…a conversation she had NO business knowing about.
NTA.
You are in the clear. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Your boyfriend is wrong, but I think his punishment (breaking up) was appropriate, and it also sounds like he is intelligent enough to be remorseful and make his way back fully into your life.
Your sister is the asshole here, invading your privacy and making you the villain…transferring all her at your boyfriend and your mother’s boyfriend onto you.
Please distance yourself from toxic family members and get counseling. There is nothing wrong about talking about things that concern you (the chaos your mom’s relationship brings) with someone you trust. Your sister unapologetically violated your privacy and then spread it around. While retaliation was not nice, it is understandable.
If you live with them currently, Grey Rock and focus on your mental health and escape.
So your family berated you for not going to them with your issues and then berated you for your issues?
I hope you understand they proved you can’t trust them right away.
I say NTA over the social media thing… It’s not that big a deal and your family is petty AF for getting upset over this.
The rest of it is all a much bigger issue, from your mom’s terrible partner and defense of him, your inability to leave someone who was racist towards you, to your snitching and entitled siblings.
If you can, get therapy to help yourself talk through these things… It’s a lot. I’m so sorry for everything going on!
>I needed to stop making everything about myself.
You don’t do anything, they make everything about you?
NTA. But why is the social media so important to your family? They act like you kicked a puppy. Please find a way to get away from them.
NTA. Your sister invaded your privacy, told your mom about private messages and emails, and then asked/told you to return a social media account whose following you built up. You’d have to be in weird headspace NOT to delete everything before returning it to her. You’re protecting yourself from her finding something else to use against yourself.
this is so insanely over the top. your sister came in yelling at 6 am, and then another sister and brother came in to join her? really? and then they all laughed at you? for real?
NTA. Your family is *way* overreacting and are not treating you with any empathy. Get some space until this passes from them. Deleting that account may have been a mistake but it is not that big of a deal and they need to chill all the way out.
You can get it back if its been less than a month. Whats the drama?
Girl you need to get away from that toxic family. I know it sucks because when in comes to family we have been conditioned for so long to just accept whatever crap they do. Truth is you dont have to. It is hard to walk away but you will end up feeling so much better in the long run if you go no contact. There was likely red flags with your ex bf that we’re missed because you were so used to toxic at home.
Please if you have anywhere you can go, leave your family. Walk away from them, block their numbers, just let yourself breathe for a few months.
NTA Get out of that crazy toxic house before it breaks you! Nothing about this sounds normal. Also, how old is your mum to be dating someone that close to your own age?