Hi Reddit,
Throwaway account for anonymity. My dad’s birthday is this weekend, and it’s one of the rare times all of us are able to be in town together. I live across the country and don’t get to see my family often. My sister (29F) and I wanted to do something meaningful for him since it’s been a long time since we’ve all been together.
My dad lives with his long-term girlfriend (let’s call her Jen). Before planning anything, my sister reached out to Jen multiple times throughout the week to ask if she already had plans for my dad. When she finally got a response, Jen said she did not have any plans. Based on that, my sister began asking a few of my dad’s close friends if they might be able to come by for a small get together, but made it clear that nothing would happen unless Jen approved it. She continued trying to follow up with Jen throughout the week. When Jen finally responded days later, she became extremely hostile. She accused my sister of being ignorant and disrespectful, said she had to cancel her plans (which she had previously said didn’t exist), used insults, told my sister to block her, and sent multiple aggressive messages. My sister stayed calm and tried to explain she was only trying to do something nice for our dad. This left my sister feeling confused, deeply unwelcome in our dad’s home, and uncomfortable bringing herself or her child around.
This morning, my sister spoke to our dad about what happened. At first, he said this was “Jen’s domain” and that she was upset because she had to cancel plans she hadn’t mentioned earlier because it was supposed to be a private date night. He also said Jen had intended to invite only family, which is why she didn’t want my dad’s friends coming. However, once my sister explained exactly what Jen had said and how it made her feel, my dad was clearly hurt. We could hear it in his voice. He realized he hadn’t been told the full story and acknowledged the situation had been mishandled. He was sympathetic to my sister and encouraged her to talk things out directly with Jen this weekend.
Additional context that may matter: my dad is currently dealing with a serious back injury and has been mostly bed- or chair-bound for about a month. Jen has been his primary caregiver during this time, and I recognize that caregiving is stressful and exhausting. Because of his health, I’m especially sensitive to not wanting to create conflict or emotional stress for him during his birthday weekend.
What makes this harder is that Jen’s kids were invited to my dad’s birthday plans, but we were not. We were only coming because we made our own arrangements. Also, my sister expressed she no longer feels comfortable coming around, and while my dad was hurt by that, the situation remains unresolved.
I want to support my dad, but I also feel protective of my sister and unsure how to show up without minimizing what happened.
AITA for considering not going to my dad’s birthday?
TL;DR in comments.
TL;DR: My sister tried to plan something nice for our dad after being told his partner had no plans. The partner later became verbally aggressive and made my sister feel unwelcome. My dad was hurt once he learned the full truth but asked my sister to talk it out during the birthday weekend. I’m conflicted about attending because I don’t want to cause stress or pretend everything is fine. AITA?
YWNBTA if you chose not to go. I think the real question is what value you get out of going versus not going. Not seeing your father sounds like a real bummer, but being around his unpleasant girlfriend also sounds like a bummer. Your attendance, IMO, isn’t a matter of assholery, but a matter of determining what you’re willing to sacrifice in terms of your own sanity, because both choices involve a sacrifice. I hope you get to see your father soon, even if it’s not at his birthday.
YWNBTA for not going to birthday plans you were not invited to and don’t seem very welcome at. but you and your sister should do something else nice with/for just your dad. he’s in a tough place in the middle right now.
I came here to say the same thing. Let your dad pick from a few dates that work for you and your sister, spend some time with him (outside the house if possible) and make sure that Jen isn’t responsible for any of the arrangements. If your dad’s kids weren’t included in his birthday plans, Jen doesn’t need to be invited to dad/daughter’s time.
I’m really sorry this is happening, Jen sounds shady af, it appears she’s trying to isolate your dad.
NTA, you weren’t invited in the first place. Maybe do a dinner or something with him on a different day.
NTA. But maybe leave your dad’s birthday to him and Jen and instead make an effort to see him on yours or your sister’s birthday as that will be, to quote your Dad, ‘your domain’.
YWNBTA
Coming from my own situation where my dad’s girlfriend of many years only includes her kids and her family when it comes to plans for my dad I can understand exactly where your sister is coming from.
I’ve been in your sister’s shoes more times than I’d like to count. It sucks to ask directly what the plan is for a holiday or on this case a birthday and being told there are no plans. Then when I would try and make plans to celebrate my dad his girlfriend would jump down my throat that I’m overstepping.
I think you need to have a serious discussion first with your sister to see how you can both move forward from here and then the two of you should talk to your dad together. Explain to him you both felt shunned and unwelcome.
Don’t go and if he asks you then say you weren’t invited NTA
NTA. Maybe the three of you can go out for dinner together instead without his gf.
This is a sad tale. I’m sorry. Yes you need more information from Jen and your dad about why this has happened and try to raise it calmly going forward so if she is playing funny games you remain the adults and your dad may see it more clearly. Do not let this woman stand in the way of you spending time with your dad, even if it’s on another date. Talk to him direct about the importance of your time with him generally.
Dad may want to look at his bank accounts, his disability checks if any, and so forth. This … doesn’t look good.
NTAH, just let dad know you’re respecting Jen’s domain. She invited her children you weren’t invited. You’re not coming very simple. Ask him if he would like to make arrangements to meet on another day.
Nta. Don’t go. Tell him to talk to his wife about all of this including why his kids weren’t invited. That you’re going low contact until he proves he will do more to include you.
NTA.
Sorry, but Jen dug her own grave in this one.
First, all she had to say was, “Hey, I was actually thinking of doing something more private for your dad’s birthday with just family.” She could have worked it out from there with your sister.
Second, why she wouldn’t even invite you guys, her husband’s CHILDREN, is plain disrespectful. I don’t blame your sister for feeling uncomfortable, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to go either.