I’m a 38M, married to my amazing wife (34F) for 6 years (dated 9 years prior). She’s been part of the family for 15 years. My mom’s behavior towards my wife has been hurtful and exclusionary. Examples:
\- Sympathy card for grandma’s passing addressed \_just\_ to me š¤. My wife and I had talked about grandma’s passing together, and she was hurt my mom didn’t include her bc my mom knows my wife was also very close to my grandma (my late fatherās mother) who my mom has been divorced from for years before his passing
\- Gift for first-time fatherhood \_just\_ for me, diminishing my wife’s role š¤·āāļø. My wife was recovering from a C-section and felt hurt by the oversight.
\- Souvenirs: mom asks what \_I\_ want, I include my wife, but she’s oblivious otherwise š. It’s like she doesn’t realize my wife is part of the family.
\- Father’s Day: mom gave me a gift, \_just texted\_ my wife "Happy Father’s Day" š¤Æ. My wife was hurt by the discrepancy.
\- $800 gift "for me", I said "\_we\_’d love to use it for a weekend getaway". My mom seemed annoyed by the suggestion.
\- Birthday dinner: mom presented concert tickets excluding my wife š¤¬. My wife had cooked dinner for everyone, and it was awkward.
\- House congrats: mom tagged \_just\_ me on FB, announcing before we told everyone š”. My wife was hurt and felt like mom took away their thunder.
\- New parent "outing": mom asked to take \_me\_ out, forgetting my wife’s a new mom š¤¦āāļø. Like, shouldn’t it be both of us getting a break and acknowledged?
My wife’s been part of the family for 15 years; she should be treated like a full-fledged member. My mom says "you’re still a son" when I call her out, like including my wife makes me less of a son š¤·āāļø. I’ve told my mom I won’t accept gifts that exclude my wife. My wife’s always been inclusive towards my mom, and I feel like it’s time my mom returns the favor. Am I wrong to expect my wife to be treated like part of the family? š
I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom telling her I will no longer accept gifts etc that so pointedly rudely exclude my wife I could be the AH for being too harsh.
I also want to add bc Iām a typical oblivious male that I donāt always notice these types of behaviors and my wife had to point out to me how exclusive my mom was being towards her and how hurtful it was to her and that as her husband I need to always have her back put her first an ātrainā my mom using inclusive language to get her included. She said I need you to stand up for me for us as a married unit so your mom can respect my place in your life as your wife and she is 100% right and I have even more respect for her that she understands her worth as my wife and that she doesnāt sit around playing nice girl letting people overlook her and stands up for herself
NTA.
Yes, your mother will always be your mother, but your wife, especially after THAT LONG, is your family. She is the mother to your child(ren?). Also, congrats to you both!
I’m glad you are self-aware and commented on it, with all that final paragraph.
I’m glad you had the come-to-Jesus talk. After all, if your mother can’t respect your wife as part of the family after 15 years and multiple soft conversations, this is what is needed. And if she can’t respect THAT..you may need to minimize contact.
Yes as soon as we got serious and I knew that we were going to get married my now wife became my #1 family my immediate family and she will always come first no contest!!
NTA to your mom. Yta to your wife for letting it go this long. Itās weird that guys donāt notice their partners/significant others being diminished. Men would be pissed off if their in-laws treated them like this
NTA, and those are some valid things to be calling her out on, mostly – but Fatherās Day? Really? Why on earth would anyone be expected to send Fatherās Day wishes to someone who is not a father? That was not a reasonable expectation imo.
Heās since commented that he meant on the equivalent Motherās Day, his wife just got a text.
Fair enough. Was she expecting gifts though? Itās a bit odd to me that anyone expects Fatherās/Motherās Day gifts or cards from anyone except their children, or their spouse while the children are young. I can see wishing your own child on their first one as a parent, but itās not a big deal otherwise to anyone else, is it?
Why do u think ur the AH for this? Especially if u think what ur doing for ur wife is right, then why ask? OBVIOUSLY u are not the AH. Ur wife comes first and u have to put her first even if it hurts ur mothers feelings. U should be threatening ur mom with no contact considering after all the shit sheās done.
NTA for having the talk, but the Fatherās Day gift complaint is a stretch. Your wife isnāt his dad. The rest of the list is valid, thoughāespecially the concert tickets and the baby announcement. Your mom is drawing a weird line in the sand after 15 years. The real issue isnāt the gifts; itās that sheās refusing to see your wife as part of the family unit. Stick to your boundary, but maybe drop the Fatherās Day point so your mom canāt dismiss the whole conversation as an overreaction.
NTA. You told her she needs to either include your wife or don’t do things at all. The only mistake here was not saying things much, much sooner, since your wife has been subjected to this treatment for 15+ years now. Your mom wants to pretend your wife doesn’t exist and your boundary was clear: either acknowledge my wife as my partner or don’t bother. Good on you! Step two is standing by that boundary when your mom inevitably tries to ignore the boundary or make your wife the bad guy in it somehow.
NTA
Momma’s boys make nightmare husbands. Your wife *had to* point out your mother’s rudeness because you didn’t even realise it at first, which is really sad.
Put your big boy pants and remember that your wife is the family you chose, and has a right to be supported by you against your mother or any other family member who disrespects her.
Look up enmeshment: you may not be aware of the relationship dynamics of the family you come from, which is why you didn’t notice at first your mother’s rudeness; she might be a highly manipulative person.
NTA mostly.
Your wife should be recognized but YOU should be on it. You and Mummy Dearest are pretty enmeshed and you need to deal with that. Quickly.
Expecting her to be recognized on Father’s Day is fairly weird
I worded that clumsy my apologies. I meant I got a nice gift on Fatherās Day then when Motherās Day rolled around all she got from my mom was a text
Good on you! Itās sad your mum is acting so petty ā¦.the bad behaviour ..it makes her sound unhinged. Sheās actually hurting you not just your wifeā¦ I think NTA .. a mature man calls out bad behaviour even if itās your mum ā¦ protect your family (wife/child/you) and protect your peace! Sheās got no right to act like that. This is the reason why adult children take a step back or go no contact! Good luck!
yta for not cutting your mom OFF SOONER.
GO AND STAY NO CONTACT