I \[24m\] was not a perfect partner by any means, I stayed too long and allowed resentment to brew, part of the reason for delay was that my ex partner \[22M\] would have no where to go, I was absent while he was committed and put him through undue stress… part of me feels like I “owe” him this favor… so when you read my side please understand while I do and have supported him financially and physically I was not want he needed emotionally.
Long story short I finally ending things, he lives in my house and pays me rent, I make a lot more than him but we divided the payment based on % of income, his portion was $450 a month so he can also save and spend freely.
I’ve tried in the past get him to save and live responsibly but time and time again a frivolous purchase will wipe him out, part of my resentment is being a safety net and if I were to go do some of the financially reckless behavior we’d end up homeless while he doesn’t have to worry about that. To be fair, he says his paychecks were lower due to the holidays amounting to 25-50% of what he’d usually make but again I grapple with the mindset that it’s not my problem anymore while the last 3 years were basically trying to hold together his life.
At this point he’s asked to not pay rent while he saves, I said no and will accept $150-$250 depending on his income… we talked about the relationship and he started calling me a narcissist and money hungry and just re litigating the past and it caused me to blow up because ultimately I don’t want his money and then I left to start filling an eviction since “i’m money hungry” petty I know. I ended up cooling off.
I’m writing this today because I do care about him and want him to have a place to stay, long term where we are staying is going to be a rental and I am inclined to just leave myself and deal with him when i’m less emotionally involved.
Realistically If he were to move out he’d have to rent a room… he said he’s not doing that, if he moved back home he’d commute about 2 hours each way or he’d have to quit his job. He doesn’t make enough to rent by himself an entire place and he doesn’t have a friend in the city to take him in.
AITA kicking him out knowing that I enabled his dependence and he has nowhere to go?
Edit: so it doesn’t cause confusion I did accept his rent payment and he’s staying here for at least 30 days, so AITA for requiring him to pay rent or leave.
You’ve been kind, but it’s not your job to take care of him anymore.
NTA. But you should probably admit that the financial support was just a way to buy a pass for being emotionally checked out. You didn’t enable his dependence out of kindness; you did it because paying his bills was easier than actually being a partner. You’re not the asshole for wanting rent, you’re just finally done paying for your own guilt.
yeah…… l can say a lot in response to this comment but ultimately you’re right. I’m going to work on setting boundaries and emotional availability… this situation is particularly tricky for me because I basically made my bed and now must lie in it.
I was going to post something, but this is as good a comment as I’ve ever seen. 100% agree
Nta. I agree that it’s no longer your responsibility to take care of your ex partner. File an eviction notice and let him figure it out.
NTA this isn’t your responsibility anymore and you’ve shown kindness and compassion.
NTA he isn’t your problem anymore. Give him the legally correct time to leave or evict him. There is zero reason for you to be subsidizing his life after a breakup.
What happens when he leaves is his business. He’s an adult, let him figure his own life out. You are ultimately not helping him by providing for him in such a manner. He isn’t learning anything.
My mom lived with us (me, husband, and kids.) She moved out after 12 years. We never made her pay her way. She never saved her money, bought a car, or anything. She just used ours and spent her money on whatever she wanted. Needless to say, she has been pretty fucked since she moved because of poor financial decisions. She had no responsibility to pay her way so she was no longer used to having to be responsible.
He’s a big boy, let him fall on his face. It’s not your job to protect him from himself.
I live in a city where it’s not uncommon to continue living with roommates into your 40s because rent is so expensive. OP does not need to feel any guilt that his 22 year old ex will have to live with roommates or family like most of the rest of the world at that age.
Nope nta. Explain to him, that it costs money to live where you live at, and you are not going to cover his costs any more. Some people turn into leeches after a while.
I don’t mean to sound blunt but, I have been in this situation before and had to pay somebody else’s share of the rent and bills in the past
NTA with regard to the rent. It’s probably high time to cut the financial chord— you’ve been supporting him since he was 19. This may sound harsh, but I mean this with kindness: get out of the way so he can grow.
NTA – when you break up they are no longer your problem to solve. He should have left already but it sounds like he is hoping he can extend his stay for even less money out of pocket. It just doesn’t work that way. In the real world, roommates split the cost 50/50 – not based on income. Sounds like he needs to find a better paying job or find a room to rent. But again not for you to figure out for him. He has some growing up to do.
Yes you are the AH to yourself, tell them to kick rocks and move on with your life.
NTA- stop having lengthy discussions about it. If you want him to stay -draw up a lease with a monthly payment you want and have him sign it. If he doesn’t, he will need to move. It might take a while to evict him though so be ready for that.