Let me give you a bit of context.
I have multiple siblings but I never got along with one of my eldest siblings. My brother is the first, her the second and I am the third.
For starters, since I have memory she’s treated me badly and basically bullied me and my parents did nothing to stop her (she’s not very good to my other siblings either but to me she’s worse). We’ve shared rooms for ages and the solution my parents suggested was exchanging rooms so my little brother would end up sleeping in the same room as her and me with my brother. We all refused while she didn’t say much. Our reasons were two: nobody wants to deal with her and my eldest brother and I didn’t want her to share a room with our little brother because she’s not a good influence at all.
Years passed and things kept being the same, each time I complained about how she mistreates me my mom gets mad and throws in my face that I refused to move out of the room.
My father finally came up with an idea: he’ll build another room in the house. He asked me what I wanted and I said that if they were going to build a new room then I wanted it. He said yes. Keep in mind that this man hates confronting my sister.
Time later he changes his mind and says the room has to be for her which upsets me and I tell him it is unfair to do that now when we already had agreed on something else.
I tell him I could help and add money from my part time job to help build the room but I’ll do it only if it is for me of course. He says yes.
More time passed and he changed his mind again, saying it has to be hers and that he wouldn’t let any of us put our money to build it now (she never offered) which just sounds like a terrible excuse and he never gave me an explanation as to why he changed his mind again.
I rant to my mom and tell her my sister ought to have talked to him behind our backs because my mom didn’t know why he is saying that now but doesn’t want to intervene.
I truly don’t know what to do because I know that if I don’t put money for this he won’t work on it fast and if I don’t push for it my sister won’t do it either and I’ll have to keep living in this hell.
I’m so upset and I want to confront him but my mom says that would be ungrateful behaviour. Am I the asshole?
record the conversation (Required disclaimer if its legal) cough cough
have a conversation with your dad and ask him to put it in writing. if he gets upset – you know how she is – she convinces people – and if she does get it he returns the amount of money you paid plus $1 (to frame and get to tell everyone about it)
I mean I’m a minor I don’t think that’s gonna help me here but thanks 😅
Everyone seems to be missing that your sister is the Golden Child in the family. You will not be able to compete with her on a level playing field. Not because you’re unworthy, because your parents are biased towards her.
I find it hard to believe that your father will ever build that room at all. It’s just a distraction and a way to keep you begging. Do not give a dime of your money to this. Work hard in school and gtfo as soon as you can. Talk to any counseling services you have. Your family’s dynamic is messed up and it’s not your fault, but it’s probably not going to change. I wish I could give you a hug.
Thank you ❤️
NTA
Firstly, I need to make it clear that almost everything you wrote is beside the point, and makes you seem like a brat. It’s completely irrelevant. All of it.
> *He asked me what I wanted and I said that if they were going to build a new room then I wanted it. He said yes.*
This is the only relevant line in your story. If this is true, NTA. However, since I have written off the rest of your post I really should ask for more information.
> *mom says that would be ungrateful behaviour*
Let’s not get into this. 100% you are ungrateful. However the issue remains: why did your Dad make plans, and then change his mind?
Lol that’s your pov but I have no idea why he changed his mind again I tried to talk to him about it to get an idea and he completely closed off suddenly said he was not going to accept any money to help and it would go to her. That was the end of it.
That’s not my pov, that’s what *you* wrote. If he had a plan, and you both agreed to it, then he is the AH. It has **nothing at all** to do with any of your other childish, whiney rubbish. Since there is nothing else in your post which is relevant, I would ask for more info. However I am starting to read between the lines here, and I think you know exactly what I am talking about.
NTA
But please don’t make it about everything else from childhood, at least not at first. You need to learn how to hold some cards in your hand without revealing them all.
For example, you start the discussion with the very simple point that he agreed the room would be yours. Tell him that he gave you *his word* and that you really respect his integrity and you are hurt and confused why he has decided to go back on *his word* to give the room to your sister.
Ask him why he is breaking his promise to you and why exactly he keeps saying she has to have that room.
If he still refuses, that’s when you pull out the other cards (previous instances of your sister’s wishes overruling you and the favoritism and bullying you’ve faced).
You wait for this because these things make parents tune out. Your dad will just say you’re whining if you approach it with that first. If you wait, you have a better chance of making him feel guilty and reevaluating the situation once you explain that your sister went around everyone’s backs to do this just like she always had.
YTA. It’s a freaking room. Why does it matter which room you get as long as you get one? But also how old are you? He’s been promising this room for years? You’re confronting him about an imaginary room he hasn’t even built. Go to bed 🙄
It’s not the room that’s the issue it’s having to deal with my bully that still doesn’t want to move out at her big age of 27. Getting a new room is the priority but I know that the only way he’ll do something about is if he’s pushed and the only way for me to even have a right to push him is if it’s I contribute economically. Is it bad that if I want to put money then I want it for myself?
I’m almost 17 and this has been happening since I have memory and they’ve done nothing to change it. I’m not american either we simply don’t move out when we turn 18 because I live in a country under conflict.
NTA your parents and your sister suck
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families