I (31F) am turning 32 next month. My birthday is Valentine’s Day and I wanted to go to a nice restaurant. I’m not in a relationship so I was planning on friends and or family coming with me. Last weekend, my mother and I were planning my birthday and noting that if we did six people meaning me her my stepfather and three friends it would be $600. We both agreed that that was a lot of money, my mom offered to pay, but I don’t wanna make her pay that much.
The three of us met up with my grandmother and uncle for dinner last Saturday and afterwards, my mom stepped out and I were discussing a conflict I was having at work regarding my clients. They were trying to give me advice, i’m a therapist. I’m starting new positions and some clients are coming with me and my parents were asking if my job was OK with that I told them I had spoken with two bosses who were fine with it, and my parents were still questioning me on it telling me not to just trust word-of-mouth I have looked it up in my company policies and saw nothing about what I was doing.
My boss told me that clients had the right to self-determination and they can go with whatever therapist they feel is best for them. I told my parents this and they continued to question me I got upset and said I know you guys were trying to help and you care, but I am frustrated that you don’t trust me. I know that’s not verbatim. I didn’t cuss at anybody. I tried not to raise my voice, but basically I was frustrated because I feel like they treat me like a child. Fast forward to this weekend. I tried calling my mother to ask if we could just have family for my birthday dinner mainly to reduce the cost. She said that my stepdad was really upset with what I said and that I heard his feelings that they do a lot for me and what I said was hurtful. I immediately apologized. I felt bad and she told me to call him. I did he didn’t answer so I left a voicemail message saying that I wanted to talk to him because I didn’t want to just apologize on the voicemail. I wanted to actually say something. He sent me a text back saying that he would prefer for us to just talk.
The next time I come to their house and I don’t know when that’s gonna be. I’m frustrated and I don’t begrudge him for how he feels, but I want to plan for my birthday because I don’t want things to get fully booked up by the time I’m finally am able to meet with him in person and apologize. WIBTA if I just made a reservation?
Just a note: Yes, I know I’m a therapist, that is my job, not my life and I’ll be honest and say that it frustrates me when people assume that it precludes me from having feelings or being upset about something. Or that I should just automatically know how to solve every problem. I just want to vent and do the right thing.
NTA
You are a grown-ass adult. Why on earth are your parents so involved in your job? And why would it be an issue to make your own reservations? I really don’t understand the dependency on your parents in all of this. Who tf cares what they think about your job? Why are you even including them in these conversations?
You really need to set some boundaries for yourself and stop acting like a teenager.
I care about hurting their feelings. And I told them how many clients were coming with me because I was proud and it made me feel like I was doing something right. Then they started in on “well are you sure your job is okay with you taking clients from them?”
OK, but you and I both know that it’s not your job to manage their emotions when they overstep. This doesn’t read like a post by a professional (in any field) in their 30s. It reads like a barely not a minor still living with their parents. There’s (codependency, enmeshment, boundary issues… pick a term you think is appropriate).
I’m sure you may have suggested this book to clients but maybe go back and give it a read for yourself and only think about your relationship with your parents:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
This is not a healthy dynamic.
I don’t think you WBTAH if you made the reservation. They don’t have to know that you already did and you can always cancel it if your plans change. My FIL can act that way and I never know how to respond. He gives the silent treatment when he’s upset and it’s days later until he will be willing to even talk to you.
INFO
Reservation for how many? 3 or 6?
Either way, are you comfortable paying the whole bill regardless of if he pulls his head out and you can talk on the phone in the next month?
Is he going to apologize to you for pushing and pushing his opinion? Why do you think he doesn’t have to and you do for simply asking him to stop?
And please, for the love of all things good, use paragraphs.
Edited for paragraphs
Originally 6 but it was going to be like $600, I wanted to reduce it to 3.
I would not be comfortable paying the whole bill as I don’t trust that I would be able to drop $600 on my own. Hence again why I wanted to reduce the number of people.
No, I don’t believe they think they’re wrong. So I don’t trust that they will apologize.
Thank you.
Then go with just your friends.
Your line about feeling you’re being treated like a child is obviously the key point to focus on. You are allowed to have a lovely birthday. Why wouldn’t each person just pay for their own dinner though, or is the point that the total of the dinner is too expensive for everyone full stop? Confused. It’s maybe a bit like some of the questions on here about expensive weddings and everyone falls out. The point is you want people to be with you on your birthday I assume, so is there a way for the meal to be less expensive? Or is it more that you’re having to accommodate the wishes of others over your own?
On the questions about your therapy business, it sounds like your parents just want to make sure you’ll be financially ok but expressed it in a very clumsy way that got your back up.
Maybe more info needed as not sure I’m helping.
The place is The Melting Pot, dinner would be $100 per person. I love the restaurant and don’t go often. We were originally looking at 6 people. 6 people would be $600. My mom is retiring and I appreciated her offer to pay, but $600 is a lot to just drop.
Hard judgement to make, but NTA if you first confirm with the restaurant that there won’t be a financial penalty if things don’t go according to plan and you have to cancel. Or make sure you’re able to cover the cost yourself if your mother no longer wishes to pay.
I also just want to say that some parents are like, personally I just think they forget we aren’t their little kids anymore. I have three kids myself and every time one gets sick with the fly or something my mom can’t stop herself from offering advice on how to keep them hydrated or bring down fevers, which was nice when they were newborns but my oldest is going to 18 this year. I personally just find it best to smile and nod and accept that it’s her way of caring, not her trying to critique me or not trusting my own judgment.
I try to. It’s just annoying af. They don’t just give advice it’s more: “Well are you sure that’s a good idea?” “Well I wouldn’t just take your boss at their word, what’s the company policy on that?” “You shouldn’t just trust someone’s word.”
I used to HATE the way my mother would ask me questions. “Well are you sure x is this?” “Are you sure this isn’t y?”, “Sometimes when people say x they really mean y.” It was so fucking gaslight-y.
Paragraphs are a thing
As to the question. No idea as I’m not reading that
NTA. Invite your friends over to your place for your birthday. Serve pizza and beer and wine. Tell them, “I’m celebrating YOU on my birthday.”
For your family birthday, go with your mother and stepfather to the fancy restaurant. Or just your mother. You apologized; it should be over. Your stepfather sounds too sensitive.