Alright so I, F19, am a college student, living about 3 hours away from the rest of my family. Normally on breaks and weekends I go to visit them and everything at least for a bit so that way I can spend time with them. My fiance, M22, and I decided that we were gonna go on a vacation to Turks and Caicos.
Well after we bought the tickets and whatnot and closer to the date of us leaving I let my family know that I wouldn’t be coming over and I told them the reason why was that we were going on vacation. When I told them we they asked who and I told them my fiance and they got mad that we were going alone on a vacation and we hadn’t brought it up until a few days before we were leaving. I told them that it wasn’t really anything that they needed to be told about beforehand because it’s my money that I’m using for the trip and it’s not like I was asking them for any money or anything. They told me that they still didn’t appreciate it and they thought that my fiance and I were just going there to elope. I assured them that it wasn’t the case and that it was just a vacation and that some of my friends were going to be there as well. This didn’t smooth things over and they’re still mad at me even after I told them that the wedding that we’re going to have isn’t going to be after I graduate college.
As well as some context my parents don’t like and have never liked my fiance. they haven’t liked a lot of stuff that I’ve done with him and this just feels like another thing but I’m still curious if this makes me the Asshole.
Do they pay your bills and for your education? If so that matters to the context. If they dont foot your bills and lifestyle then NTA
Agree. Unless you have an agreement with your parents, if they are paying for your college and apartment it’s reasonable for them to expect you to be using the money you have to supplement that and not to go on vacation.
Agree: if you’re completely self-sufficient (including your education), they have no say in how you spend your money/time. If they’re paying for tuition, it’s a gray area, but if they’re paying your bills and/or give you an allowance, I can see how they feel like you’re basically using your money for what they see as a frivolous trip.
THAT SAID, I want to add: Regardless of the financial situation, as a woman who once married someone my family didn’t like, let me say: in MY case, my family was 100% right about him and I didn’t see it until it was too late. That doesn’t mean that’s YOUR situation, but if they’ve brought up concerns about your fiancé regarding your getting married young, him seeming controlling or like he’s isolating you, you not being able to establish your own career/finances before marriage, etc, give them a fair chance to fully share their concerns BEFORE you marry or have a child with this person. It’s still your life to live as you choose, but often, older adults who know us well can see things in our first serious relationships that we can’t see ourselves. If you have a great relationship with your family except for their opinion of your fiancé, have a sit down with them and hear them out. If nothing else, you’ll have a chance to reassure them, and they’ll see you as more mature for being willing to have a conversation about it without being defensive.
I fel like the ONLY reason they should have been told is just for safety reasons, so at least someone knows where you are.
Other than that, you are over 18 using your own money so not their business..my opinion.
Just be safe!
Given that you are only 19 and already engaged, I am curious about why your family “doesn’t like” your fiancé. Seems like relevant context.
OP hasn’t responded to a single question or comment. This is probably fake.
INFO: You say that it’s not something they needed to know, but you also say you usually go over and spend time with them over breaks and holidays. Don’t you think it would’ve been courteous to let them know beforehand, not last-minute? Because they were expecting you and you suddenly tell them you aren’t going?
What are the reasons your parents don’t like your fiancé? What is the stuff you’ve done with him?
Honestly, this is one of those questions where of course legally you do not have to tell them you’re going on vacation, you’re an adult. But practically? YTA. They love you and you’re a 19-year-old woman going to a foreign country. Somebody in the United States should have your itinerary and where you’re staying and when you should be back and your parents have the most legal ability to get things done with that information.
This would be 100% true even if they adore your fiancé but my God, do you know how many freaking dateline specials start with a 19 year-old girl going to the Caribbean with her fiancé that everybody but her realizes is sus??
This isn’t about being an adult or not being an adult or parents or fiancé’s, this is about pure common sense when traveling. Give somebody close to you who is listed as an emergency contact somewhere information about where you’re supposed to be.
NAH
Do you have to tell them? No, you’re an adult. Is it considerate to tell them you’re traveling out of the country, yes.
I have a kid your age in college and if she what you did, I’d be irked, but it’s her life. But honestly, your attitude in this post is coming off immature, so I’m thinking your parents may feel the same.
I’ll say NTA but if your parents are still paying for most of your expenses, then it doesn’t hurt to communicate more openly and keep them in the loop. Also, I don’t know the circumstances around your engagement, but considering you’re 19, I can understand parents having concerns about a guy who wants to make their teen a bride. Just food for thought!
You’re not REQUIRED to tell them, but it’s polite. NAH
I suspect your family’s view of you living away from home and yours is foundational diffeeent given your age.
Where you feel that you live independent of your family and visit home, they may feel that you actually still live at home but ‘stay’ elsewhere during the week for convenience….
It’s nuanced – but effectively highlights if the parents feel they have a responsibility to ‘manage’ your weekend and holiday time
Are you paying for your school? Are your parents contributing? If so, they helped subsidize your vacation.
That aside. It’s just unusual not to communicate this to your parents. Even when you are older. I’m guessing you told friends and others before? But sounds like you waited till last minute to tell the parents who you normally visit during this time? That’s odd. Why did you do that? No need to answer, but you might want to think about that.
Using “your own money” for a trip is fine, if you’re not depending on your parents financially for school, living expenses, or anything else. Otherwise, you’re just blowing your own money while still living on theirs. There’s a lot of context missing. You’re 19 and engaged already to a man your parents don’t like. Is it possible they don’t like him because he’s isolating you from them? Is the break you didn’t go home on the holiday break, which is generally a time that families enjoy being together? Honestly, I’m getting YTA vibes here, but there are several unanswered questions. It sounds to me like your parents would just like you to communicate more in advance, spend a bit of time with them, and not rush things in a relationship. Pretty genuine parental concerns to me.