Hi everyone. I (24M) still live with my parents (I have really no other choice since rent is basically astronomical where I live), and this has been a recurring source of tension for years.
My parents keep the house in a constant state of mess and dirt. I don’t mean “a bit cluttered”, I mean dirty kitchen surfaces, the floor itself, things piling up everywhere, poor hygiene in shared spaces, and an overall lack of care. It honestly feels like they’ve completely lost any pride in the house and I can’t really grasp why, since they told me it wasnt like this when they were younger.
I’ve tried talking to them many times, calmly and respectfully. Every time, there’s always an excuse: they’re tired, they’re not feeling well, they don’t have time, or “no one comes over anyway, so why does it matter?”
The problem is… it does matter to me. I feel embarrassed to bring friends over, to the point where I simply avoid it and haven’t had visits in years. This was also a big issue in my past relationship, my ex’s house was the complete opposite, and she felt uncomfortable coming to mine. It created a lot of tension and shame on my side.
I do help with cleaning and I take care of my own space, but since I live here, the common areas affect me too. I’ve suggested small changes, routines, or even cleaning together, but nothing sticks. After a few days, everything goes back to the same state even if we do clean.
When I bring this up, they say I’m being a pain in the A basically, and that I also contribute to the current state of the house. I just want a reasonably clean home where I don’t feel ashamed or stressed all the time.
So… AITA for feeling this way and for repeatedly confronting them about it? And what can I do about it? Because I’m at that age where I’m starting to really understand you can’t change your parents, and just be grateful for what they did and do for you, and don’t get me wrong they are great parents, it’s just… this.
EDIT: People commenting seem to think I just sit on my bottom all day rent free and do nothing about it. I work almost all day, with no weekends… I also don’t have time for everything. Everyone should help a little bit, not just one single person in the whole house. Also I live on Europe and people saying I should get my own place are being unrealistic to my country’s financial state. At least that’s what I’m getting from the comments.
YTA you live rent free and you think the house is too dirty, so you should get off your ass and clean it up to your standards or find your own place.
Clean it. Just keep it clean. You are old enough to take on that responsibility. You’ll need a deep clean then keep up with it.
YTA. Clean the home you’re living in for free.
Since you’re saving so much staying at home with your parents, pay for a cleaner? 1-2 times a week. Be helpful
NTA, but this is a sign of your parents possibly having some mental health issues. Until they either get help or are forced to deal with this ot won’t change. I would suggest focusing on getting yourself out into shared accommodations with others who have the same level of cleanliness that you do.
YTA It sounds like you think that you have no responsibility for the common areas. Clean the house! It’s the least you can do for your parents.
YTA grow up and get your own place if you want to decide how things should be, if not, be quiet and clean, and appreciate that you have parents who allow you to live with them as a full grown adult.
Wait. You live there for free? An apartment would cost you $1500 to $2000. Come up with $500 to have a deep clean done, then keep it clean.
YTA- it is their house. If you feel it is too dirty – you need to move or clean it yourself. Could it be there they doing this in an attempt to get you to move out?
Maybe offer to pay for a cleaner – but if they don’t think it is an issue. I am not sure they would agree
It sounds like this may be more serious than just a matter of cleanliness. There could be some psychological issues involved. That doesn’t solve your problems, but I don’t think this is something that can be addressed by just having a discussion.
YTA.
I feel for you, OP, less because I’m in your situation and more because I worry I’ll fall into the trap your parents have fallen into. The complaint of “everything goes back to the same way” can’t be the issue though, right? Because that’s always going to be the way. You can say that YOU aren’t like that, and maybe you’re much slower to get to it, but you also have to acknowledge that your parents ARE like that. You feel stuck, because they are forcing this situation you.
But dude… you have another option and it’s moving out and keeping your own place tidy. Unless your name is on the ownership papers, you live there because they let you, and if you don’t like it, leave. If you have to stay there and don’t like it, you can either keep it tidy yourself with whatever help you can cajole from your parents, or you could pay someone to come in a do it (cheaper than rent, FYI).
You don’t get to and can’t really force this because you’re the one staying there in their house.
I’m going with NAH because as I read this, I thought of my younger brothers who live at home with our parents. Their house is not bad enough to be on the show hoarders but it’s stacked with belongings and unhygienic. If someone cleaned it, it would very quickly get back into the state it previously was. It’s not as simple as “clean it yourself”. My brothers also can’t afford to move out on their own or even in a place together.
I say NAH because no one should live that way and I can understand why you can’t move out BUT I also recognize that part of living with your parents is dealing with the fact that it is their house and everything that comes with that fact.
YTA. Clean it yourself or move out. If you can’t afford rent, that’s not their problem. They can live in a messy house since THEY pay to live there. They don’t have to change anything to make you comfortable. You have no dog in this fight. Hiring a cleaner is cheaper than rent. Tread carefully…they may invite you to leave if you keep nagging them to change something they don’t want.