Brief: I (49f) want to talk to my husband (54m) and try to convince him we should sell our home to buy a smaller home. He thinks our home is perfect and sees it as our "home to retire in". My friend says I would be an ungrateful jerk to even bother and I should just keep my mouth shut.
Detail: My husband and I are a blended family. He is my 3rd husband. I am his 2nd wife. He and I both met after traumatic endings to our marriages. I had two daughters when we got together. After we got married we had a son. So there were 5 of us. I had some funds from a life insurance policy, so we bought a nice 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2 car garage and basement home.
Totally spacious and lovely! We both worked and were super busy… and time was passing and the girls grew up and I had some chronic illnesses start taking a toll. Then my mental health started decaying. My son started really struggling. He has ADHD, ARFID, and anxiety and depression.
He sees a therapist every other week and has for over a year. We recently started homeschooling. I am at home.
I had a bit of a breakdown and we discovered I have bipolar, borderline and some comples PTSD… and some hoarding tendencies.
Well, a year and a half ago or so my mental health got pretty critical and I was ready to get better. I found my psychiatrist and I am still in trauma therapy… but I have worked my a** off… I quit smoking, lost over 30 pounds, picked up a hobby, started going to the gym… AND i got someone to come into the home and I decluttered the rooms that I had stuffed with storage. I rented a trailer for garbage, I donated probably 20 of those 30 pound contractor bags when all was said and done… I have been trying to do little cleans every day.
But I can recognize now that when I am in depressive cycles I have clutter blindness. I also have some physical ailments and chronic issues that do impact how fast and smoothly I am able to physically move or how heavy something is that I can lift. It makes how long it takes me to accomplish some tasks much longer, which is incredibly frustrating but I have had OT to give me tricks to help.
I also will hire someone to come in from time to time to help me. But the bottom line, my house is never clean. It is always messy and or cluttered somewhere, as I can never get to all the house. So there is always this edge hanging over me, bothering me.
My husband says he loves this house and we will live here forever. I am starting to hate it. There are areas that are my husband’s but he won’t do anything about his areas… and he does nothing in the house. My husband goes to work. He comes home. He sits on the couch and grabs his xbox controller. He eats his dinner and goes to bed. On Monday he goes bowling and on some Saturdays he goes gaming at his friends house.
He does not cook, clean or shop.
I feel that if we had a smaller home, it would be easier to maintain the house, that I would have a more manageable space to clean and organize… AITHA
Stop cooking, shopping. Hire a housekeeper to come in weekly. Organize 1 area daily.
I just have questions, no judgement. If your insurance money bought the house, why are you (according to your friend) ungrateful for wanting to sell? Have you tried the path that unless your husband helps maintain the house, he can’t dictate you stay there? That said, it probably needs to be a 2 yes situation to move (legal paperwork and all that). Is your husband aware of your feelings?
How confident are you that your hoarding tendencies won’t happen in the new place where you will have less space to put things?
The insurance money was used in the down payment, enough to save us from the jacked up addition the PMI costs you when people cant hit that 20% down or whatever it is. My memory isnt what it used to be. And we have refinanced a few times I think, my husband takes care of all finances, I cant handle the money stuff anymore.
And no he isnt aware yet, I want to tell him all of this but my friend said I’d be a fool to complain about the house and just be whining… after all, so many other people have it so much worse than me. I just should be quiet and happy with my lot in life no?
And your last point is the real tricky part. I am on the road of healing. I am in active therapy and I take quite a few medications, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety. Part of my coping mechanism is avoidance and hoarding tendencies are part of my OCD behavior of coping as well, if I slide, it is possible that bad behaviors could resurface. I dont want them to. I am working to not let them. But it would be foolish for me to proclaim that it isnt possible. Ideally, my husband would be part of my support group and would help me if I started to slide… but quite honestly, he needs some therapy of his own. But he refuses every time I mention it to him.
Nta, but it sounds like the house is a symptom, not the problem.
NTA
The stuff you said about you and your son scream autism, I would look into that.
For women they get misdiagnosed BPD
Someone with AFRID I would always suggest autism evaluation.
NTA and it sounds like you have done a lot of great work on yourself! You would not be the asshole to talk to him. Have an open conversation , find out the information you need.
My house is fairly messy due to various reasons and I simply do not care. I do what I can when can but I also can’t do everything. I choose to go to the gym or visit elderly family rather than clean because my priority is my mental health and relationships. I no longer hold any moral judgment on myself about it. I live alone so it does not affect anyone else.
You could train yourself to not care about hubby’s messes, but it sounds like you guys have larger issues. That is the thing to look at.
Maybe you could start by getting him to help you more in the house? If he is not willing to share the load of the household you would not BTA for wanting to discuss getting a smaller home
Honestly this issue with clutter won’t go away with a smaller house. You won’t be more inclined to clean or less overwhelmed. Matter of fact, it will probably get cluttered quicker during episodes and be more overwhelming. That’s bc you’re not fixing the issue- which is mental. You don’t stop burning food bc you get a smaller stove
That is a good point. I have this idea that less is more and it would be easier to organize and give everything a place. But thank you for your thoughts. Having counter points is good to balance out my thoughts.
NTA.
I’d lay it out in conversation: you either need him to get invested in the upkeep of the home that he loves and wants to retire in, or you need to downsize. If you’re going to stay in this home, you need a partner in maintaining it, especially with your health issues. If he’s not willing to be that partner, you need less house to maintain.
He can choose either. Really, he should choose both, but you’d certainly not be TA for asking him to choose one.
Nope NTA. Explain to your husband that it’s much easier for 1 person to clean a small home than a large home. So your husband needs to grow up and help with the house chores or hire a house cleaner if he wants everyone to stay in your currently large house.
NTA but you’re taking yourself to any new home. You’ll still be you, and a new location won’t change or solve anything that comes from that. Unless you downsize substantially you’ll start off already overcrowded. Being overcrowded will be demotivating, I’ve done that.
I moved into a place that was bigger than I’d been, and then got everything out of storage so I could go through it and organize/cull. But it was overwhelming and little got done in 3 years. I had to move again (renting) and got a bigger place where I had space to organize and start giving away and donating stuff.
There’s truth to the idea that things expand to fit the available space, so a smaller place inhibits that, but the reality is that eventually you’ll end up with the same level of clutter in the rooms as you can tolerate now.
NTA You need to be clear with him about your needs and why, or he needs to be involved in the clean up or be willing to pay for it.
NTA
And you’re never the asshole when you speak up about the things that are reasonable to ask for in your life that could greatly improve it.