I (26) have been with my partner (27) for 3 years now and we rarely get into fights. However, sometimes they will be a little patronizing and make comments that strike a nerve with me. When I tell them to stop or I state how much it bothers me, I always use a firm tone. I don’t raise my voice, and I make sure of that. However, I have been told by them that my tone is rude and that “I shouldn’t talk to people like that”. It’s extremely frustrating because I’m also allowed to be irritated. I never call names, never raise my voice, and never resort to any physical altercations.
For a little background, I grew up in a family that only responds to assertiveness. If someone did something that you wanted them to not do anymore, you couldn’t sweetly ask them not to because they would do it again. If they didn’t feel like you made a big enough deal about it, it wasn’t important enough to remember to avoid. Instead you had to stand your ground and be firm. Sometimes it would escalate and it would get very heated. I grew up with an angry dad and narcissistic mother. Call it a bad habit, but I never sugarcoat things. I call it as it is and when something upsets me, I make it known.
Back to the present: my partner is now giving me the silent treatment over a small incident we had in the car today. We had stopped to get some fast food and as I was taking the straw wrapper off and about to place it in the bag, they made a big deal about not leaving it in their car. That small instance made me irritated because just a few hours ago when I was in the middle of unboxing a package, they made another snide remark about not leaving my mess everywhere. I let it slide the first time and told them that I’m still in the middle of unboxing and of course I’d clean up the mess. Writing it all out makes it seems like the most ridiculous thing to get upset over but it’s been making me feel like they’re being a helicopter and “correcting” my behavior before I’ve even had a chance to do anything. So, fast forward to “car-gate”, I stood up for myself and told them that they hadn’t even given me the chance to put the trash in the bag. I also brought up the fact that I rarely ever leave garbage in their car, so why would they feel the need to remind me of that? This then led to hours of silent treatment after I asked if they were upset with me during our walk back to our place. They said yes and that I was rude and shouldn’t talk to people like that.
I’m at a loss for words because I didn’t feel like I overreacted. I recognize my tone can sometimes sound assertive and monotone but that’s how I speak. I don’t speak in a naturally upbeat tone so anything I say may sound rude to some ears but again, even as a kid I spoke like that. I just don’t know what to do. Am I the asshole?
I think it depends on whether you are telling them for the first time to please not do XYZ because it bothers you, in which case it would not be appropriate to use a harsh tone, or if you’ve already asked them not to politely a few times and they did it anyway, in which case your tone is appropriate. Based on the scenario described I’m leaning ESH.
NTA
It sounds like your SO is a micromanager who sees you as a young child he/she needs to teach.
The silent treatment is another bad sign.
ESH – This isn’t really a fair one to judge because we’re not hearing your tone.
It sounds like you have a legitimate complaint, but it’s difficult to tell if her reaction is her trying to avoid thinking about whether she was nagging you over nothing, or if you’re being aggressive and controlling in your reaction. It sounds maybe like both.
NTA but only because he’s your BF and knows you better than a reddit stranger.
I’d definitely be a little wary myself if I heard that kind of tone from someone especially the first time I did something that upset them. I’d be fearful about that kind of thing myself and may be a little silent afterword just because I’d need to recalculate and consider my actions before I did anything else that might upset them further.
If it were just a gentle correction, I’d just do what they needed with no issue but a firm tone makes me think carefully before acting any further.
Still though, given the context, I do think it is manipulative of your BF to be silent for hours and turn it around on you like that.
Silent treatment? As in refusing to speak to or acknowledge you?
I’m more concerned about his behavior than I am yours, OP.
Funny how you jump to assume the gender you would prefer it be
Gender is irrelevant here.
No idea why you think that it is, but that’s fine. You do you.
It’s impossible to parse the details of this particular incident, but it sounds to me like you are talking to your partner in a way that they have told you is hurtful to them. You explained that you developed this mode of speech because you were raised in a difficult, even abusive household. So basically, you’re treating your partner the way you would treat your angry dad and narcissistic mother.
But your partner is not them, and there’s every chance a civil, gentler touch will work here. They have asked for it and they don’t really deserve to be treated harshly because of what your parents did to you.
Consider talking it through with a collaborative, rather than a “firm,” approach. You both may be better able to adjust to meet the other’s needs that way.
NAH for now because I think this is a baggage issue that can be fixed.
(ETA: also. If they have asked you to use a different tone with them and you haven’t at least tried, consider whether you may have picked up your family’s habit of refusing to accommodate gentle requests. Could be the reason for their strong reaction.)
I’m going to say NAH, I also had an abusive step-father and had to learn that if I wanted to make my point heard, I had to make a fuss, or it would absolutely be repeated.
But now, as an adult, I’ve learned people will generally respond better if you use strong *words* and soft *tone*. The trick is to keep your language assertive but use a polite voice. Obviously if you’re ignored, you can use a firmer tone, but it pays to start polite and go up, rather than the other way around.
ESH. You are the AH because you are wheeling around your family baggage and treating people you care about in ways they don’t like. He isn’t blameless here, but you need to have a big picture conversation with him about how you don’t like these sorts of conversations some time when there isn’t conflict present. You also need to listen to him when he tells you that he doesn’t like how you are handling these things and figure out a way of interacting that works for both of you.
You’re NTA because your partner sounds like one of those people who wants to parent and correct you (annoying enough in itself) but get his/her shorts in a wad if you respond with anything that sounds critical.
YTA because you should always use a gentle tone before going to a firm one. Clearly your partner feels like you are being rude out of nowhere and you are
These little annoyances are completely normal in a relationship. I recommend you practice being honest but gentle, BEFORE your annoyance gets the better of you and you feel you have to snap or be blunt
Calm down.