I got married to someone of my own ethnicity and moved to a different country. His family includes his father, his sister who is a single mother and her son. I come from a family where I have always led a comfortable life financially and emotionally. After marriage, I started noticing this whole in-law family is a depressed lot. The sister-in-law is always complaining and whining about every little inconvenience to my husband on phone calls which are either very frequent or very long. She also feels that her father doesn’t help much with taking care of her toddler son who is very active and naughty. I empathize that she has a difficult life but she uses my husband as an emotion dump. This makes him depressed and in turn makes me sad when I see him like that. My husband is a very nice, emotional person who feels responsible for everyone. I’m also in between jobs at the moment so this has given me lots of time to dwell on this stuff even though I don’t want to. I have slowly started resenting him and his family for making me feel depressed with their problems. How can I get out of this cycle? I love my husband and want to live a happy life with him.
I think distancing yourself from them would probably be the best idea, but would your husband even be okay with that, also have you expressed your frustrations with your husband or talked to him about it? Not like this is your responsibilty but maybe you can even propose(preferably your husband talks to her about it) the sister in law getting therapy so she can vent her frustration elsewhere, and you guys can help her with that.
ESH – Distancing yourself is always fine and sometimes necessary to help with resentment. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his sister because their relationship is negatively impacting his family (you are his family now.) His sister made life choices and expects her father and brother to stand in as her partners in life. Your husband is allowing her, though, to treat him like her emotional dumping ground, so she’s taking advantage.
You’re mad at his family of origin for his lack of boundaries. They are still functioning as a nuclear family when he has left and started his own. This creates divided loyalty and responsibilities.
You need to work on inner boundaries, too. Your husbands lack of boundaries is affecting you to the point of resentment. He’s being the sponge to his sister negativity and you’re being a sponge to his. You need to have conversations with him and get on the same page.
NTA
your husband is NOT a good parter in everydayx life. Get back on your feet, and then escape.
“How can I get out of this cycle? I love my husband and want to live a happy life with him.” .. he priorizes them over you, and he is not willing to shield you (or himself) from this. – you can have a happy life, OR him.