TW: mentions of a past ED
Hi everyone! Long term lurker, first time posting. Posting on a throwaway because my sister knows my main.
I (45M) had a daughter (16F) with my late wife who died when my daughter was 10. I married my new wife (42F) when my daughter was 12 and she has two boys (12M) and (10M) who she had with her ex-husband and who is not in the picture.
Despite my wife’s attempts, my daughter ,who I’ll call Nina for the sake of the story, has never been welcoming me to my wife and refuses to call her mom.
Now that’s her choice but she also refuses to spend any one-on-one time with my wife and made it clear that she doesn’t view her as a mother figure.
This has caused tension in my house and her brothers are confused why my daughter doesn’t call her mom when they call me dad.
The tension finally exploded due to comments Nina made yesterday.
Nina does a lot of sports. Softball, Track and Javelin. Because of this she eats a lot. Not a freakish amount but more than the average 16 year old girl eats. She’s not overweight and she’s perfectly healthy.
My wife had a past binge eating disorder. She weighed 250lbs at my daughter’s age and she still goes to therapy over it.
Apparently she’s noticed some of the symptoms in my daughter so if Nina is eating she’ll make slight comments like “maybe you should take a break” or “that’s a lot” nothing too harsh but my daughter has had an issue with it. She’s told my wife to stop but she’s not doing anything out of malice so I didn’t put a stop to it.
On Saturday we had dinner to celebrate my daughter coming first in some event she took part in on Friday. Nina went for a second slice of pie and my wife made a comment like “that too much dear” and my daughter just snapped.
Not in a loud way but she looked over at my wife’s plate and said something like “that lasagna has a lot of cheese in it, you don’t want to get fat dear” and “maybe you should go on a run to burn off all that fat you’re consuming”
My wife went really quiet and my daughter kept making comments throughout the evening. When we got home my wife was crying and I yelled at my daughter for what she said. Nina doesn’t know about my wife’s history but I still scolded her because my wife never tried to offend her but my daughter clearly wanted to.
I sent her to her room and grounded her but a few minutes later my sister showed up and Nina walked down with a few bags packed and left despite my protests. The family gc is blowing up with people calling me an asshole for not standing up for Nina. Only a few people are on my side but my wife still hasn’t left our room and Nina has been at my sister’s house since yesterday.
I just want my family to go back to normal so AITA?
EDIT: ok I have accepted that I’m the asshole. I’ll talk to my wife when she’s calmed down and apologise to my daughter when I go to my sister’s house to pick her up. Thank you for all comments even if most have been harsh
Yes, YTA. For so many reasons. You have been putting your dick before your daughter for years.
So your daughter who does loads of sports and is not overweight is being scolded and grounded because your wife has food issues?!! What is wrong with you?
YTA
So your daughter was till grieving when you married your wife. Somehow you decided to rry and erase her mother by trying to get her to cal your wife mom. Your wife bullies your daughter over food and when she finally stuck up for herself you punished her. Good grief you are a terrible parent. Your wife has ZERO right to comment on your daughters food, she is coming from a place of trauma not a place of help. She is the very last person you want giving your teenager limits on what she should eat. You realise once your daughter has half a chance she’s moving out right? And you’ll be lucky if she speaks to you on holidays. The selfishness coming across in the post is screaming. You are a horrid human.
So your wife can dish it out but can’t take it. YTA, your daughter deserves better. You’ll be lucky if she ever speaks to you again. She’ll never trust you. hope your wife is worth it!!
I hope this is isn’t real because its so incredibly obvious that YTA.
YTA 1000000%
Your head is so far up your new wife’s bum that you allowed your wife’s insecurity on to your daughter and you didn’t step in and stop your wife and the audacity to ground your daughter who just stood up for her self
You should be a ashamed.
You need to reflect and prioritise your daughter now.
Tell your wife to stop being a silly women to apologise to your daughter
Go and apologise to your daughter
Other wise she will go NC.
YTA. Your wife wasn’t expressing concern over your daughter’s eating habits, she was making passive aggressive comments about them. That’s not how you support someone with a suspected eating disorder, that’s how you start one. Your daughter bit back and now your wife is playing victim. If she can’t take the clap back she shouldn’t have started it. YTA for not defending your daughter from this woman and for trying to pressure her into a relationship she didn’t want. You’re the only parent your daughter has and you’re throwing your relationship with her away.
YTA. You’re allowing your wife to project her issues with food onto your daughter. If your wife doesn’t want to hear comments re food she should keep her opinions on your daughters eating habits to herself. You said your daughter does a lot of sports and is a healthy weight. Your wife needs to stop.
Oh YTA in a big way. Your daughter has a legitimate reason to eat more than normal, which you know but still let your wife comment on, you however did not share your wifes ED with anyone and still punished your daughter for it.
You’re also an asshole for trying to force a relationship between then, he mother died when she was 10, she remembers her, why would she call some lady mom when she’s not?
YTA. You put your wife before your daughter after she lost her own mother, you have clear disdain for her very reasonable boundaries so obvious from how you describe the “offense” of her not calling this stranger mom it’s painful.
Your wife should have shut her mouth about your daughter’s diet. She’s not unhealthy & even if she was that’s not your wife’s business; it’s yours. You are her only parent, your wife is just that, your wife. Her marrying you did not magically excavate a space in your daughter’s heart for her.
Now? She’s never going to tolerate that woman.
If your wife was worried about giving her an ED she would’ve had you take her to a doctor & trusted what the doctor said. Instead, she’s made food a source of shame & conflict for your daughter with unwelcome comments & then folded like a cheap plastic car bumper the moment that shit was turned back on her.
Stop trying to forge a family your daughter does not want. You chose to get married, she was drug along against her will. Respect her boundaries, take her complaints seriously, & make sure your wife keeps her diet concerns to herself so your poor daughter doesn’t have to take punishment after snapping due to prolonged button pushing you’re too p***y obsessed to put a stop to.
Do not count on having a relationship with your daughter when she’s an adult.
This HAS to be rage bait, it’s simply not possible to read AITA, type this whole thing out, and not realise YTA.
Either that or you’re farming for comments to prove to someone that “Nina’s” dad is an asshole.
Ugh that poor kid! Imagine losing her mother at 10, having a new Stepmom 2 years later and expected to call her mom, her food choices constantly being commented on – and after 4 long years of it, finally giving back a smidgeon of what she was dished and then having your sole remaining parent shout and ground you?
I am glad she has an aunt willing to rescue her from this situation.
Oh and YTA.
1000% YTA.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s more to the story than Nina having “never been welcoming” to your wife or refusing to call her mom. She HAS a mother. A mother who has passed on, yes, but a mother nonetheless. You cannot replace her mother. It sounds very much like you and your wife have been trying to force this dynamic on her when she is still not ready and may NEVER be ready. Maybe this isn’t your intent, but that’s how it’s reading to me, a complete stranger—so I can’t imagine it being a stretch that your daughter also probably feels that you’re trying to force a relationship that simply doesn’t exist. Your wife is her stepmother, not her mother. She was old enough when your late wife passed that she still remembers her mother, and will forever associate the word ‘mom’ with the woman who gave birth to her. You need to come to terms with that if you plan on having any kind of healthy relationship with your child going forward.
And this isn’t even the ACTUAL issue of the post, which is that your wife is projecting her issues onto your daughter, and you are LETTING her do it. I have had binge-eating disorder, and I’m pretty confident that Nina’s very much NOT exhibiting signs of it here. There’s huge shame-driven secrecy around BED, so if Nina were genuinely struggling with this you very likely wouldn’t know about it. Furthermore, she’s an active teen girl; her body is burning a lot of calories, and by your own admission there’s nothing freakish about her eating habits or her health.
I’m sorry, but your wife is a 42 year old woman. There is no goddamn excuse for fat-shaming and body-policing your child—which, regardless of her intention, IS in fact what she’s doing. Nina may not have been polite, but she’s not the AH here. She was defending herself the only way she thought she could—by turning your wife’s favourite ammo back onto her—likely because she knows you never have and never will defend her. You’re her only parent left, and she knows she cannot rely on you to stop your wife from bullying her. Let that sink in. Is it any wonder she retaliated the way she did? She probably doesn’t feel safe in your house, and she doesn’t trust you enough to care about her the way you do for your wife.
You’re the AH. Get help, get your wife some help, and go to family therapy before your actions lead to your daughter walking away at 18 and never looking back.