Me (27F) and my bf/partner (28-NB) have been dating for around 4.5 years. Throughout our relationship we’ve had some really good times and moved in together pretty soon after we started dating. We currently rent a house and have 2 dogs. We both are neurodivergent so have struggled with communication and attachment styles. He has ADHD and is consistently late to things (like 1+ hrs sometimes), and he’s called me things like “useless”. When he gets mad, he sometimes becomes a whole different person I don’t recognize. He’s thrown things around loudly, screams and says things he obviously doesn’t mean like he should’ve chosen another girl instead of me. He also once got really drunk and got mad at me and threw my phone and broke it, though the next morning he immediately apologized and fixed it. These are just a couple of things that have happened in the relationship. I’m just saying my side but I’m sure there’s also been points where I’ve also enabled or haven’t been helpful and escalated or been toxic in return. A few days before Christmas, his friend came to our house to hang out for his birthday. My bf barely payed attention to him, gaming the whole time (he’s had gaming problems where he stays up all night gaming and disassociates and doesn’t sleep at all or sleeps all day next day. His friend was really disappointed and also noticed him being unnecessarily mean to me, and we started talking more about it, at which point I realized how a lot of this behavior was wrong (he’s also addicted to nicotine and gets very cranky). It escalated even more when bf slept through picking up his mom at airport and i had to do it for him. I started talking to his mom about the concerning behavior and eventually it escalated some nights after when bf and I got into huge fight at which point I told his mom. She called the cops and they took him to the ER. They decided on outpatient therapy and he’s doing a lot better. At some point during Christmas when the whole family was here, something clicked that he was not being fair to me or taking care of himself. After that it’s been fine for the most part but I can’t help but feeling distant and resentful. Lately a couple of things have triggered me: him shading my brother for no valid reasons recently, being late by 30+ mins to a food reservation and then trying to act like everything is ok, and being pissed when I am distant because I am upset at his time management. I understand that outpatient takes a while but how much can I take, and is it even fair to him to have a gf that’s so resentful during his recovery? I’ve been to inpatient a couple of years ago so I empathize a lot with mental health issues, but I also have to take care of myself, and I’m realizing a lot of these patterns I’ve been ignoring and my body is rejecting of. I’m constantly sick and throwing up recently. What is advice? I’m happy to answer any questions of any specific moment or how I could’ve caused some of this and I’m just overreacting!
NTA, but YWBTA to yourself if you stayed
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Nta but why get with someone with obvious mental illness and then expect them to not do mentally ill shit lol
Um, the vast, *vast* majority of people with ADHD manage not to verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse their partners. The boyfriend is an asshole because he’s an asshole, not because he has ADHD.
People with mental illness need to be held accountable for their actions like anyone else, and it’s shitty to attribute all bad behavior to mental illness or imply that all mentally ill people are badly behaved.
NTA by any means, but given the amount of work he’s gotta do, it seems you might be right to consider if this is right for you. If he’s adamant about the help, it could go well for sure, but if he’s only going through the motions without any attempt to actually do better, itd seem to me like he’s not ready for a relationship and it could turn into a high risk situation. Use your best judgement to take care of yourself, and if you plan to pursue further, keep an eye on his recovery and make sure he’s actually taking steps to do better. Things will only change if he’s willing to do something differently.
NTA, I haaaaaate this for you! Neurodivergency and mental illness are not excuses to treat someone like dog shit. He is abusing you, full stop. Him apologizing later does not fix what he did, and it WILL continue to escalate if you stay. You did not cause his behavior, please don’t let him convince you otherwise. Please be safe and try to get out of there as soon as you can.
He’s abusing you. Leave.