I (25F) live with my husband and my older brother in a home we own. In May, I found out that someone I used to live with as a child (M21) was going to be homeless and everyone in the house agreed we would help him. He had a rough childhood and thus we wanted to give him the chance to start over and really build his life.
We underlined a few rules for this move. Prior to moving in, he was arrested and had a criminal record. He had a current case open for a M1 theft, and we stated that he had to keep us involved with his court and be vigilant regarding his court expectations. We also stated he had to pay $500.00 a month, enough we could cover additional occurred expenses but not enough that he would be unable to save. He could use our cars, but he had to ask prior (and preferably with notice) and he had to pay for the gas used and keep them clean. Also, naturally, we asked that permission be granted before anyone eat anyone’s food.
To start, he lost his job and alleged that he was looking for a new one. He had previously been banned on Doordash so my brother allowed him to create an account through his name. This ended after four months of non-payment and the discovery that not only had he not been applying to jobs during this period, but that he had gotten my brother banned from Doordash and didn’t set aside any tax money for my brother (something that he said he would do).
After this, my husband and I had a discussion with him stating that he wasn’t upholding his side of the deal for living here and he was going to need to leave. However, my brother was adamant that as we promised he would have a home, we couldn’t give up on him so quickly, something we as the household agreed upon (after a long period of fights). Soon thereafter he got a job but told them he had open availability, something that was not true as my husband always works weekends and my brother (while not working weekends) is usually busy on at least one of those days. He also began using the vehicles without permission, leaving them on empty and taking them to different states, and taking food (and hygiene items) to such an extent we began hiding our things in our room.
The last event occurred when I was getting the mail and saw he had court mail. I knew that he had an upcoming court date that had recently passed. I actually brought up said court date and asked him if he was going to need a ride and he informed he that he did not need to attend. I told him that he needed to consult with his attorney as he should be present. I opened the mail (with his permission) and saw that he had a bench warrant for his arrest due to him not attending. I texted him a picture of his mail and asked when he was going to tell us, he admitted that he had no intention of telling us and that he was "handling it". It was at this moment we decided he needed to leave.
The question therein is are we the assholes for kicking him out when we promised him he’d be part family?
NTA, but boy did he find himself some suckers…call the police/court to come collect him….
NTA but you should’ve done it sooner.
No, and you should have kicked him out sooner. You need to get him out of your home. The problem is that if he refuses to leave you may have to go through the formal notice and eviction process.
NTA, and you should have kicked him out a lot sooner. He is the definition of being given an inch and taking a mile. Talk about taking advantage of those who are trying to help him.
YTA for even letting this guy move in with you in the first place. I get wanting to help but you knew he had a serious criminal record and he pretty much immediately proved to you how untrustworthy he is. Best decision is to never have let him move in at all. Second best decision is to kick him out at the first sign of trouble. Next best decision is to kick him out now.
NTA. Kicking him out for his behavior doesn’t mean you went back on him being part family. He could be full blood family and kicking him out for breaking the agreed on rules would be the right thing to do.
He controls his own behavior. He is making choices.
You cannot force him to make better choices.
He is making home uncomfortable for everyone else. Why should you all have to live like that?
If you do not kick him out, If he stays living with you, what will make him ever make better choices?
NTA. You’re not obligated to let anyone live with you let alone someone who repeatedly shows he has no interest in following the ground rules for doing so
Tell him, he has two choices; Move NOW or when he’s at your house you will call the police to arrest him.
NTA – you can’t care about someone’s situation more than they care about it.
So, have you all been doormats your entire life?
Good on you for finally holding the line with him.
NTA
This is like a reality show of a group of people competing over who can make the most bad decisions.
I would have kicked him out after he crossed the first red line.
NTA
NTA. He’s blown all the chances you’ve given him and shat on all your rules. He’s taking you for suckers.
How long are you going to put up with this?
Don’t forget to change the locs when he leaves.
NTA
And don’t ever let someone use your or anybody else’s DoorDash account for their own use. Now your brother is on the hook for taxes on money he didn’t make.
Just because you all promised him a place to live doesn’t mean you are obligated to continue to house him. He has broken every promise he made and admitted he had no intention of telling anyone about the bench warrant. What do you use him at this point?