A friend of mine has been going through the motions of life the last few years. For a long time I would try to offer insight and an open ear for them to vent to in hopes that it would inspire an encourage them to find the strength they need to move onto living a better life. Over the last few years though it has been the same thing every time with the same excuses of why they can’t get it together. It’s beginning to feel like I am being used as an emotional punching bag with nothing changing. I have expressed this before and said that it’s been hard to listen to them say the same things over and over again, and even recommend they seek therapy because it feels like I am unequipped to help them. I am getting to the point where I am establishing a hard boundary where I don’t want to hear it anymore because I feel frustrated with them and like our friendship is beginning to deteriorate because of it. It makes me really sad because I love them dearly but I just don’t know what to do anymore and unsure if I should feel guilty for distancing myself with their emotional problems. AITA?
Need more info. Did anything happen to make them this way? Suffer a tragic loss? Get attacked? Have mental issues? Hard to judge unless we know if it’s something like they can’t find a job because they never apply to anywhere or they can’t get out of the house because they were SA.
They suffer from clinical depression and GAD. Essentially they take meds but do not see a therapist and only lean on others. They were diagnosed years ago with it and the extent of the help they had gotten has come from friends and a primary physician who prescribed them SSRIS
I was in a similar situation, taking calls at 3am from a friend who refused to leave her addict, abusive husband. I finally told her that until she began taking steps to help herself, I couldn’t be of any more assistance because these issues were above my pay grade. The friendship pretty much ceased to exist after that and she’s still with her husband. My life is more peaceful, but there are days I miss her presence. You’re NTA for needing space from this friend’s issues but be prepared for the relationship to be potentially discontinued.
Yes that does sound very similar to what I have been experiencing. It’s hard when you love and care about someone to see them stuck in the same pattern over and over again regardless of any help you have to offer. I just wish they would get better but I’m exhausted putting my energy into it and seeing no change.
It’s so hard! I’m sorry you’re in this situation where you probably desperately want to help your friend but are hitting your personal wall of what you can handle. My therapist ended up telling me something I try to remember: during an in-air emergency, the instructions are always to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others. So, take care of yourself and your emotional well-being, even if that means you can’t step up for this friend the way you have been thus far. Good luck!
NTA those types of people are emotionally draining and want their problems to be fixed with a magic wand they don’t want to make the effort to fix their problem’s. You cannot help people that won’t help themselves and even being a listening ear can be emotionally damaging and draining as selfish as it would be to say “listening to you stresses me out piss off”. They sound like they need a therapist and a kick in the butt from reality.
Sometimes it almost feels as though they are sitting in a puddle and every time I help them out of it they sit back in it and cry about being wet. Everything you said is plainly the truth and I will take it to heart.
I had this in a small way with my mum, we were sick of hearing the same complaints with the same feeble excuses why nothing would work.
My sister and I refused to join in the conversation even grey rocking her “oh dear, oh well” being our only response. She soon gave up. Try it before you go nuclear.
NTA- I empathise with you, I’m going through something similar with a friend who was living off me financially for a year, I posted on this sub and was given really good advice on how to enforce boundaries but it can be difficult when someone is expecting you to be there.
When your friend is blaming all their issues on mental health struggles make it clear your not willing to offer any support till they have made contact with some form of mental health support not only because you’ve done all you can but so you don’t give them bad advice.
Honestly once they do this your friendship will bounce back because you don’t have to take on the strain of their problems and they won’t be expecting things from you that you aren’t able to provide.