I live with my two best friends Lena (29F) and Chloe (28F). We’ve been a trio since college. We’re all pretty close and our apartment is usually full of good vibes.
Recently I noticed things felt a little off. Lena who works in marketing is super social and always has people over for wine nights. Chloe a graphic designer is more introverted and needs quiet time to recharge and work on projects. I’m somewhere in the middle.
The issue was that Lena would plan these fun group hangouts in our living room and invite a bunch of her other friends. She’d text me and Chloe an open invite but Chloe would often feel pressured to join or else look antisocial. Whenever Chloe join she’d be clearly exhausted and quiet. Lena started making little jokes about Chloe being a hermit or not fun anymore. Chloe would then get hurt and hide in her room. I felt stuck in the middle. I wanted everyone to be happy. So I decided to be proactive. I organized a family meeting. I made a cute agenda on a Google Doc titled Roomie Harmony Summit complete with discussion points like Shared Space Usage and Communication Styles. I even baked cookies. The meeting started okay. I laid out my observations gently saying I just wanted us all to be comfortable. But it immediately went off the rails. Lena got defensive saying she was just trying to include everyone and make our home lively. Chloe got teary and said she felt like her need for quiet was being treated as a personality flaw. My carefully worded discussion points made them feel like I was their therapist or their mom not their friend. Instead of solving anything it made everything worse. Now there’s a weird tense politeness in the apartment. Our easy casual dynamic is gone. Chloe is upset that I forced a confrontation she wasn’t ready for. I feel awful. I just wanted to help. My intention was to clear the air but I think I just poisoned it. AITA for trying to fix things with a family meeting?
This feels like an NAH to be because you were well intentioned and I think your approach was fine as it wasn’t intended to be combative. I think this was just a screwup though, seeing Chloe’s response makes me think the ‘correct’ way forward would have been talking to her first. Like “Hey, I noticed that whenever we have these mini-parties you seem like you aren’t having a good time. Is everything ok?” and work with her on how to broach the topic with Lena so Chloe didn’t feel pressured
NTA – But your roomies need to get a grip, Lena needs to understand if she wants people over every day then to get her own place and Chloe needs to defend herself and say she wants silence. You tried your best don’t feel bad, sending love!
INFO – Did you ask either of them if they wanted this?
Very light YTA. It’s not that you tried to help your friends which is laudable, but more that it’s not something that you can do. They needed to communicate with each other, and you didn’t need to be involved, so adding yourself to their dynamic caused unnecessary friction.
I would try and go back to both of them and communicate that you’re friends and roommates both, so compromises need to be made on all sides. If Lena wants to entertain people all the time and Chloe wants quiet time, try and set a schedule well in advance for these things. Include quiet time, girl’s night, and other activities so that everyone has a fair chance. It’s a shared space and needs to be treated as such.
You did all this without asking Chloe if/how she wanted to handle the situation.
Chloe is an adult who can talk to Lena without your assistance if/when she chooses to do so.
>I made a cute agenda on a Google Doc titled Roomie Harmony Summit complete with discussion points like Shared Space Usage and Communication Styles. I even baked cookies. The meeting started okay. I laid out my observations gently saying I just wanted us all to be comfortable.
A “cute agenda” and cookies don’t camouflage “Here’s how I think the two of you are screwing up”.
Did you really presume to counsel them on their communication styles? That definitely comes across as therapist/parent stuff.
YTA for jumping into their business uninvited.
NTA. But it sounds like the three of you aren’t compatible roommates now. Chloe should probably live alone or with someone more like her. Lena should do the same.
NTA. A shared home shouldn’t be a “lively” environment without all people in agreement. Lena sucks.
NTA. YOU should get to live in a house where everyone isn’t at odds.
You did the mature, sensible thing and tried to discuss how you were feeling living with two polar opposites. These problems were there already and affecting your space too.
That neither of these two responded well is unfortunate, but I’m warning you this is all going to fall apart because it was never going to work long term. They want diametrically opposite outcomes.
Decide who you would rather live with, if either of them.
Time to change your living situation.
None of you are wrong, you just have different priorities, and that’s okay.
Just because you’re best friends doesn’t mean you would be or need to be best roommates.
You can still be best friends just not loving in the same apartment.
While your intentions are laudable, soft YTA because it sounds like you did all this without talking to Chloe first.
NTA but I think you made some mistakes. You probably should try to give up the illusion that you can change how two adults relate to each other. If Chloe and Lena want to fix things with each other, they are going to have to navigate that themselves. You should probably apologize to Chloe for, as you say, “forcing a conflict that (she) wasn’t ready for.” And you should focus on your own experience.
I think that a follow up conversation with Lena is also in order. Not to advocate for Chloe, but to explain your own experience. I think you know that Lena is full of BS that she “just wants to include everyone” when she’s also ridiculing Chloe and calling her a hermit. It now seems like Lena just wants to use the space however she wants, regardless of her roommates wishes, and is choosing to denigrate Chloe so that she has a reason to ignore her needs. If this makes you uncomfortable (which I think it does), explain to Lena why this makes you uncomfortable.
INFO- Did you talk to Chloe or Lena beforehand about if they wanted your help? Exactly how often does Lena have people over?
You meant well so NTA but you probably should have asked Chloe first since she’s the introvert. Was she ready to talk about it?
And Lena is more extroverted and that’s ok, but she also needs to be considerate that she lives with two roommates. She could designate one or two days as fun night but should be thoughtful to other tenants who may need to get work done or just wants quiet time.
If one or the other is not happy, though, they really need to discuss it with the other. You can’t be the fixer. Best to stay out of it. And it might be time to live separately. It could save the friendship.
Soft YTA. Sometimes the best way to handle things as to just let them play out instead of forcing a confrontation which you kind of did..
Since you weren’t immediately involved in almost felt like you were trying to mediate a discussion between two people didn’t really ask for or need mediation.
Unless it’s an issue for all three of you, I would suggest not getting involved in this way.