I (16) have a half sister (10). We both share a dad and have different moms. Now, in the past couple months, her mom has had some cancer, (I was never told what kind), that requires chemo. The thing I do know about it is that it is stage one and was caught early.
I should probably say that when her and my dad were together, she was never nice to me. So I most definitely think negative of her.
Now, over the weekend, she took my sister to her skating class. My sister wanted me and my dad to go as well. So, of course we went to help her out. The teachers there are more focused on teaching the entire class instead of just one person, so I have been helping my sister. She has been in this class for over a month and a half and still isn’t able to skate. The biggest reason is because her mom constantly is holding her hand so she has no real confidence on her own. When I’ve been teaching her, I’ve tried to balance helping her feel more confident while making sure she’s not doing everything on her own without any help.
Anyways, she has drastically improved since I started teaching her. During this class, I was teaching her and we took a break so she could look at how other skaters are moving their feet since it’s usually easier for her to see it instead of just explaining it. While we were watching them, her mom came over. She was asking if she was ready to try to skate again on the rink. (I forgot to mention she’s been practicing on the carpet first since it’s less scary and to help build confidence.) This was fine until my sister told her she wasn’t comfortable doing that yet. Her mom then decides to tell her something along the lines of "Come on. I’m going to hold your hand the entire time and risk throwing up and hurting myself so you can do this." She said something about her chemo treatments making her feel a certain way but I sort of stopped listening to her at that point.
Now, I could just be crazy since I already don’t like her, but to me it seemed like she was guilt tripping my sister into doing something she wasn’t comfortable doing. I saw the look of fear in my sisters eyes after listening to her mom say that. She responded telling her that she doesn’t want to risk her mom hurting herself. But her mom persisted. So, eventually she gave in. And she looked absolutely terrified.
I just got really angry and had to walk away after her mom walked away with her. I had to go into the bathroom because I didn’t want to have my sister see me get mad at her mom. I’d like to think if my sister wasn’t there that I would’ve said something to her. Cancer or not, you shouldn’t be allowed to guilt trip her. Now, I don’t know if it was intended, but still. She should be help accountable for her actions, right?
Now, WIBTA if I were to confront her about saying those types of things to her kids? I will most likely confront her if she does something like that again that I hear about.
EDIT: I realize the bad title but I cant change it. I was a bit upset when writing. Im sorry
You wouldn’t be technically wrong to do that, but it would be better if you talked about this with your dad, and then he can have a conversation with his ex. It is HIS job to protect your sister. If you start yelling at your ex stepmother, you’re just gonna make things more difficult for your sister.
The optimistic side of me is thinking:
1. Her mom thinks that she is improving and needs a little extra push to get onto the ice.
2. Her mom had a scare and realizes how fragile her life is and wants to spend more time with her daughter.
3. Or that your sister is growing up and it won’t be long before she won’t want to do these things. And her mom is just trying to do as much as she can before that happens.
The pessimistic side of me is thinking:
1. Her mom is tired of paying for lessons and not seeing results.
2. Her mom is tired of seeing her daughter “fail” where the other kids are succeeding.
Given the info you’ve provided, I’d say NAH regardless of if you confront her or not.
I feel for her mother, being a single mom doing chemo sounds absolutely horrible. I don’t agree with what she said at all, and I love that you are there to support your sister. But that woman is going THROUGH it right now, so I guess I would give her grace on comments like this. But you’re right she shouldn’t have said it.
I do feel bad that shes going through that. When I said to confront I didn’t mean in a rude way. Hopefully just a simple and polite talk about how saying stuff like that, whether intended or not, isn’t okay. Thank you for your response!
As a big sister myself, I would be pissed too.
Maybe have a conversation with her her mom, but place your sister at the heart of the conversation.
Oftentimes, when we don’t like someone, we tend to passive-aggressively attack them even if we don’t intend to, because our emotions speak for ourselves.
So the best would be to start off by saying that you saw how what she said made your sister feel guilty and uncomfortable, and that bringing the cancer up in the discussion like that doesn’t help normalising what her mom is going through but rather trigger your sister’s fear of loosing her mom, and when she says that (meaning everything the mom said about the chemio and feeling sick while on the rink, and so on), your sister feels like it’s her fault if her mom is hurting.
I know it sounds stupid to tell an adult what they should know, but if you consider she didn’t get how she made her daughter feel, the way you’ll talk to her will unconsciously be nicer!
Thank you so much for this response. This is exactly what I was thinking when I thought about how it would make my sister feel. I will definitely bring it up in a polite way like this if I do end up saying anything.
NTA although I don’t think a confrontation is your best option. Please talk to your sister and let her know her mom needs to respect her no. It might seem minor, but this is a consent problem to me. It will serve your sister well to learn consent is key early on. If your dad wasn’t there when this happened let him know and ask that he check up on your sister. He can decide whether to confront her mom. If this happens again be polite, but speak up in the moment.
“Why aren’t you respecting her no?”
“She’s not ready and pushing her won’t help.”
“No you’re clearly too sick. You don’t want sister to feel guilty if something happens to you do you?”
“To get better she needs to practice on her own. Please let her practice correctly.”
Thank you for you response. I didn’t think confronting her would be the best but at the time of me posting this, I didn’t know what else to do. Thank you for your advice and I will talk to my sister about it.
Confronting her mom will do absolutely zero good. Guilt tripping a child like that is just plain wrong and says a lot about her mom (none of it good). Talk to your dad, and spend more time with your sister without her mom around if possible. It sounds like she needs a positive influence and all she is getting from her mother is negativity and guilt for things that are not her fault.
NTA, for the intentions behind this, but OP…
Get your dad to do it, before you try to interfere yourself.
You don’t have a good relationship with this woman. She is not going to see your interference as coming from a good place, and it might sour your relationship with your sister as well.
Tell your dad, explain your point of view to him, and see what he says. Tell him he should be the one to intervene and follow up to try and make him do so.
Now, if he does not, the next person to ask is your sister. At 10, she’s not an adult, but we can give her some agency for taking care of her own emotional state when supported by someone who cares about here. That’s you. Ask, don’t tell, her about what her mother said. Ask if she would like to keep skating with you. Offer to the mom to keep doing it, as a nice sister activity.
You might not be able to keep your mouth shut if it happens in front of you again. That’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about what you PLAN to do about has already happened, and what we plan can usually be done right.
Thank you for the advice! I plan on talking to my dad about it more because I don’t really want to talk to her mom. Since most of the comments have said to just talk with my sister, I’m going to do that!
I understand your perspective but I would advise you to step back and take a beat before saying anything, if you really feel you need to.
To be frank, I think you need to consider the bigger picture. Her cancer is not really your business. It sounds like you don’t think its a big deal because it was caught early but you’ve also admitted you know very little about her medical situation. Non aggressive stage 1 very often doesn’t need chemo, so it could be more serious than you know. Regardless, chemo is _brutal_ and she is likely having a really rough time but still showed up to the class and got out on the ice. You might be 100% right about your sisters comfort levels. Or you may lack the experience of helping a child work on something they find intimidating at first. Or it might have been an off the cuff comment from an exhausted, sick woman who was just doing her best in a difficult moment. I wouldn’t know. I do know that questioning her parenting and accusing her of “using her cancer” etc will likely result in you no longer being welcome at skate lessons and hurt feelings all round. YWBTA Maybe better to talk to your sister, about skating not cancer, and encourage her to share her feelings with her mother directly if it is/was something that bothers her.
I mean slight YTA here I really dint see why you needed to confront her. Don’t you think (whilst coming from ag good place) you’re holding her back by literally holding her hand and keeping her off the ice? Mom seems to be just pushing her a bit which is often needed.
INFO NEEDED: I’m a bit confused. Your sister is enrolled in skating classes, but you are helping her because the teachers are teaching the entire class. Why isn’t your sister on the ice with the rest of the class? Do you go out onto the ice with her, or does she come onto the carpet? What do the teachers say about this? Are they ‘OK’ with having you on the ice during their class time? Are other parents/helpers on the ice with their children as well? When I took skating lessons, the entire class was on the ice and the teachers were teaching us all. Of course, if one person had a struggle, they might come over and help for a little bit, but they didn’t spend long because, well, they had a whole class. It was mostly the whole class being taught at the same time. If she can’t keep up, perhaps private lessons would be better until she’s comfortable enough to be with a class. I’m just not sure exactly what is being accomplished when your sister is off the ice, or holding someone’s hand on the ice. My teachers would have asked the “helper” to let me do it. Can you elaborate on why you are helping during a class and why Mom is holding her hand during a class?
While I’m not sure I’d say you are an a\*\*h\*\*\*, I certainly don’t think it’s your place to confront her mother. At most, your father should since he’s her father as well. You should not. Support your sister but don’t interfere with her mother.
NTA. But tell your father and ask him to help your sister out if it’s necessary.