My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. When we met, she was working in a restaurant and going to school to become an RN. I’ve been financially stable the whole time, and I’ve paid for most things in our relationship by choice so she could focus on school and saving.
Recently, I think that dynamic started bothering me more than I realized. A week ago at Costco, she suggested buying a stuffed animal for one of her friends. I said no and didn’t explain why. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t great communication.
Last night, while running to the store together, she suggested we buy flowers for her friend who had just been fired. I don’t know this friend, and I said I didn’t want to pay for gifts for people I don’t know. I told her she was welcome to buy them herself, but I didn’t want them added to the cart for me to pay for.
She became quiet and withdrawn. At checkout, she paid for everything herself without saying anything. The drive back was silent, and when we got to my place, she left without saying goodbye and ignored my calls afterward.
I wasn’t trying to be cheap or controlling, but I realize I may have handled this badly by letting resentment build and then setting a boundary abruptly.
AITA for drawing this line and how I handled it?
I mean if someone was paying everything for me then I would pay when I need to buy something for someone else, because this extra expense shouldn’t be his duty.
But still it’s better to have a conversation with her regarding your finances, better now than later when it’s too late
NTA for not wanting to pay for non-essential items for people you don’t know. It’s common to have an unequal contribution to expenditure in a relationship, but this must have limits, and I think those items go beyond what can reasonably be expected. Her passive aggressive behaviour was immature.
However, as you acknowledge, you really should have had a proper conversation about why you didn’t want to pay for those items.
NTA
If these were mutual friends i could somewhat understand her reaction, but people you dont even know? Not your problem. Does she not have any income herself? If she does have income, what is she even spending it on if you are paying for everything?
NAH.
So, your gf has had four years of you being gracious enough to supplement her income so she can focus on her studies. Good for you both- but after all these years, it seems you’re starting to resent her spending your money, perhaps taking it for granted.
Gifts for *her* friends should be paid for by *her*. But if you’ve unknowingly set the precedent that *you* take care of these things- your partner might feel a little rug-pulled if you’ve not spoken to her regarding what you think a fair split in finances should look like.
Talk to her when she’s had time to think, and hopefully you’ll find a solution that works for you both.
NTA- Because you don’t live together, **and** you are keeping your money separate.
Possibly you didn’t say it smoothly enough at the grocery store. Definitely you should have brought it up with her in the week between Costco and the flowers incident. So, apologize for bringing it up in the moment.
There would be more blame on you if you were basically married (e.g. pooling all your money), and **then** you suddenly announced this one-sided decision.
ESH. I think the second you felt the dynamic was bothering you, the best thing to do would’ve been to just communicate and have a conversation with her about it. The first incident at Costco would’ve been a great opportunity to initiate the conversation when you got home, and you could’ve set boundaries for the future. I also think that her being silent with you and leaving without saying goodbye was not cool on her part. She could’ve also communicated better and just asked what was up. You both need to just talk with each other. It’s really nice you’ve been helping her out btw.
NTA. Don’t finance her life nor anyone else’s.
I don’t do gift giving or receiving so….
I mean the way you are saying you said it NTA it’s HER friends she can buy the gifts herself. Maybe she’s just grown very accustomed to you paying for everything so now is pouting.
That’s super weird that she would ask you to buy these things when it doesn’t even sound like you live together and share finances. She should pay for gifts for her own friends.
I think it depends on the tone you used. Based on what you have written, the message wasn’t harsh
NTA
Have a really deep think about how you’re feeling and what you’re willing to do going forward (eg will you keep paying basics until she graduates and she needs to pay for extras, or are you done paying and she needs to go 50/50 or somewhere in between).
After that, you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with her.
Tell her how you’re feeling. Tell her what your expectations are.
If you don’t have a proper conversation where you both agree to the outcome, this could be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
NTA just talk to her about how you feel now.
There’s no reason for her to think that you need to buy a friend of hers a stuffed animal. Paying for her is a completely different thing. She got a little too comfortable with your wallet.
Were you rude when you said no? How was your tone? Is that what is bothering her?
Oop that silent treatment is manipulative to make you feel guilty for having boundaries. Not a good girlfriend who only thinks of her face. She’s cheap, didn’t even want to pay for gifts herself to her own friends
NTA I wouldn’t want to buy random people gifts either
There isn’t clear morality on the decision itself (it’s neither right nor wrong to purchase those things), but your communication sounds controlling. Because you control the money, you have the ability to make statements, rather than engage in conversation, about how things will be financially. She lacks that ability. When you exercise it, you rub her financial powerlessness or dependence in her face. That may not be your intent, but it’s nonetheless the case.
If you had communicated your ambivalence and discomfort, and talked to your partner, engaging in a discussion, rather than leveraging your authority, she might have understood that you were trying not to be controlling, and trying to see her side, perhaps even to reach an agreement. This would not be controling. Instead, she saw that you didn’t do that, and instead opted for the easier, more controlling choice. Given that you’ve set the standard that you pay for things, you’ve now changed the standard – you pay for things you approve of / feel like, and her feelings are unimportant to that.
I think this is a bad standard to set, and one that’ll get you into an uncomfortable place in your relationship. But it’s not immoral – some people legitimately feel that’s how they want their relationship to be, and while it’s not what I like, there’s nothing inherently immoral about it. NAH