I’m in a friend group with 3 girls in med school. We’re in year 4 of 6 and are now in a rotation group together. Things have been good, but two other girls left the group, and in retrospect it was cos we were icing them out and gossiping about them.
One girl in the group (“Betty”) and I have been very close because we bonded over our parents being sick.
Last week, the vibe felt off. I kept trying to participate in conversation and was being ignored, talked over, or kind of belittled by the one other. I withdrew a bit because my feelings were hurt.
Later that day we were sitting at a cafe on campus. I went to pick up something I forgot in the lecture hall and was gone for about a minute. When I sat down, I saw a message from a friend sitting nearby saying my friends started talking about me the moment I walked away, then pretended to be mid-conversation when they saw me coming back. She said they were asking what was going on with me, and one girl was saying there was definitely something wrong with me.
My heart dropped. I messaged Betty asking if we could talk privately because I’d received this message and didn’t want to get emotional in front of everyone. She immediately showed the other two and said we could talk about it there. They denied everything, then said they were just worried. When I said the vibes had felt weird all day, they said I was imagining it. I then said I was concerned because the group gossips a lot, and usually when gossip starts within the group someone ends up leaving, and it felt like the group was cannibalizing itself and I might be next. I regret saying that.
Then someone came up to talk to us and we had to go to class. Betty ignored me for the entire class, wouldn’t speak to or look at me. That night I asked if I could call. When we spoke, I tried to explain that I felt betrayed and blindsided by her bringing it up in front of everyone, and that I was feeling excluded. I was not asking for an apology, but she kept interrupting me saying “I’m not going to say I’m sorry,” even though I hadn’t asked her to. She kept saying I was making her feel like a bad person and wouldn’t let me finish. She said my reaction was unacceptable, that it showed I didn’t trust them, and that they were only worried about me. She raised her voice while I was crying, denied and deflected, and said I ruined what had been the best day she’d had in months. I ended up apologizing for everything.
Before hanging up, she asked if my girlfriend was with me because she “didn’t want me to be alone.” My girlfriend thinks she was checking if anyone heard her talk to me that way.
Next day we carpooled and she ignored me and glared at me. The others have been cold since. I don’t understand why she is so angry. Am I the asshole for insisting something was wrong in the group, essentially showing I don’t trust them? And AITA for and pointing out that we gossip and the group feels like it’s turning on itself and toxic?
ESH, but mostly you. You’re okay with being part of the toxic group, icing people out and gossiping about them, as long as it doesn’t happen to you. Please grow up.