My gf and I have been dating for 3 years now and have decided when our leases end we want to move in together. The issue is that my work is 50 miles north of where I live and hers is 25 miles east of where she lives. I obviously would like to move more north as it’s a nicer area and somewhat closer to work. Our issue is that my gf has a degree, she isn’t using and is wanting to continue with her passion of performing arts. She currently makes $300 a week at her performing arts job and has to nanny 20 hours a week to pay her bills. I make 6 figures. She has told me there are no performing arts jobs around where I want to move and that she isn’t ready to give it up and work related to her degree. I have no problem with her wanting to stick with her passion, My problem is she won’t recognize it’s not financially lucrative and she spends more on gas than she does getting paid. If she used her to degree for a job and continued her passion on the weekends I feel she would be happier & so would I. We live in a very HQOL area so my 6 figures is just getting by & still under average salary for the area. AITA for telling her that We need to think about our future(we are in early 20’s) and that she should start focusing long term on her career so that one day we can financially afford a family and home? I feel that financial decisions can have big impacts on a couple in their early 20’s.
NTA.. You’re trying to make sure you guys are financially stable and trying to do things the proper way like having money saved before children and wanting to buy a home before children. I think that’s a great compromise to have her continue her passion on the weekends. It’s time to be a big girl
Hmm..
You felt in love with her cause she is the way she is- now you want her to change?
And it is because you make more money- your perspective matters more?
You seem more realistic, she more free spirit. But both views are equally relevant.
Talk to her about what role who wants to have in the future and find out if there is a future.
INFO
How is she going to pay her share of bills if/when the two of you live together? You mention disagreement about where to live but it sounds like the question is more “Does GF expect me to subsidize her expenses so she can continue to work at a job that isn’t financially profitable?”
Regarding her job, you can’t tell her what kind of work she should do, but it’s not unreasonable to be unwilling to commit to financing her lifestyle.
It sounds like there are some fundamental incompatibilities that need to be discussed before committing to a lease together.
Mostly a NAH, but a slight YTA.
1. She is aware that she’s spending more on gas than she is earning; she doesn’t care. It brings her joy and she values the work. She nannies 20 hours a week to pay the bills so she can stay where she is, doing the thing she’s passionate about. She doesn’t want to work 40+ hours a week in a job she isn’t passionate about and then have no time for her art.
2. You want to live in a place that’s nicer and more convenient to your job, and if you had her income, you could probably afford the bump in rent.
The issue here is that you think you know better what she should do than she does, and it’s mostly because it would serve you if she did what you think she should do. I think right now, you’re not compatible for a long-term relationship, because she’s really living life in the moment, focusing on the thing that brings her joy, and you’re not in the same head-space.
Neither one of you are inherently wrong or right, you’re just not on the same page. I would not move in together unless you can get into alignment about what your shared goals are and some sort of timeline. She shouldn’t be moving in with you because you can offer her some financial stability, and if you do feel like getting a house or having a family is a near-term plan, then you are VERY far from that. Where she is in her life, she’d be asking to be a SAHM because she can’t nanny and care for a child, and she doesn’t make money from her creative life, she is not even breaking even.
Girls never understand money – welcome to the real world.
NTA…. Discussing financial stability is essential before moving in together, especially when one person’s passion is currently a net loss. You aren’t wrong for wanting a partner who prioritizes your shared future over an unsustainable commute.
YTA It sounds like she’s getting by fine right now while chasing her dreams. Early 20s is way too early to ask someone to settle down. Plus there’s no guarantee she’ll even get a job with her degree. Sounds like you want her to make all of the sacrifices while you don’t really don’t have to make any. Let the woman be happy