Hey, 28M here.
2 years ago I meet this woman (26F) during a party with friends. As the months passed we get closer.
She is really beautiful, kind, funny, she is doing a PHD in mathematics so really really smart person, she is perfect.
Me on the other hand have nothing for myself : Mental ilness, genetic disease, speech disorder, no diploma, do a shit job I dont like and a mountain of flaws she dont know (example I have a micro-p*nis so im physically unable to have s*x). I would not make a great partner.
For me it was obvious she was way out of my league since the start.
This weekend we meet up at another party, at a moment we ended up being alone in a room and she asked me if I would like to hangout someday just the two of us and call it a date. I explained her I wasnt feeling ready yet to go on a date because I never went on a date before, I have 0 experience in this field. She insisted she really want it and so I dropped the line, I told her I dont understand why she want a date with me because she deserve far better. She got upset and just leaved the room.
When I leaved too I saw her talking to someone else, I felt ashamed and just leaved the party.
Since this weekend I didnt received a message from her (she usually message me almost everyday). I just want to preserve our good friendship. I dont understand why its that bad to tell someone they deserve better when its obviously the case ?
"Its not you to decide what she want" yes, but still, I have the right to explain my thought about that.
If your friend was dating a abusing partner for example didnt you told him that he deserve better that that ?
well, bro. work on yourself to be better. this is just ignorant laziness from your side
Wow . You have zero self-esteem. Well, she has the right to give up on you so YTA because you made yourself the ass. Lol .
YTA.
Man. She clearly likes you. For whatever reason there’s this idea that women are obsessed with what you have – which in some cases, of course, it’s true. In other cases, it matters who you are, more. If she likes you, she likes you. She really went out on a limb to tell you she likes you and you just shoot yourself down on her behalf? It’s disrespectful, man. She makes her choices, you make yours. I suggest you apologise, tell her you’ve had time to think and that you either really want to stay friends, or you would love to go on that date she talked about.
Don’t make her decisions for her. When you do that, you tell her that she isn’t capable of making her own choices. Do you think that’s true? I don’t, from your description of her. So she chooses you. Just take it for what it is.
I’m sorry for what I said, I’ve been struggling with my insecurities and I shouldn’t have questioned your judgment. I really value our friendship and I’d love to talk when you’re ready.
YTA. Seems like you can’t see past your chronic low self esteem. She could and you told her she was wrong. You might not see any redeeming qualities in yourself but she did.
My bro you need to work on your self esteem. You are the someone better she deserves, make it so
Poor girl can’t even pull the guy that knows hes rubbish. Try and think about things from the other person’s perspective dude, she likes you, so you give up immediately and reject her
>”Its not you to decide what she want” yes, but still, I have the right to explain my thought about that.
Except your ‘thought’ was that *you* get to decide what she wants/what’s best for her.
YTA.
(And this is in no way comparable to telling a friend they deserve a partner who doesn’t abuse them. Extra AH points for trying to get sympathy with that example.)
Hmm I’m leaning toward NAH.
She told you what she wanted.
You told her she deserves better.
She **believed you** and pursued what she wanted with someone else.
YWBTA if you felt entitled to her attention “as a friend” when she’s hitting it off with someone else.
Sometimes (especially people in their 20s) naturally put more time and energy into their romantic/sexual partnerships than they do with platonic friends.
If you’re not in a good headspace to date, that’s fine. However, friendship does not equal her giving you the same attention as she gave you before you turned her down. **Give her time and space to recover from rejection from someone who didn’t even think they were worth it.** Work on your own mental health while you take this space
If you haven’t done therapy before, I would recommend it. You seem to have rather low self esteem. None of those qualities you listed about yourself indicated that you’d be a bad partner, and if you’re as close as you say you are she probably knows most of your “flaws” already. If not, she’d figure them out eventually, and she can determine what’s a dealbreaker.
It’s one thing if you have a feeling a relationship wouldn’t work out between you, and don’t want to risk losing the friendship over it. But the way you worded it is indicating you know what’s better for her than she does.
YTA to yourself, for self sabotaging. And to her, for making that decision for her.
Also… unless you’re an abuser the last line of your post is wild. Dating someone that physically hurts you VS someone that maybe has a speech impediment and no college degree. Please tell me you see the difference ☠️
YTA you’re being a bit obtuse here. You rejected her. She got up the courage to ask you out, which means she likes you as more than a friend and has decided that she wants to act on it. You said no and then tried to say you were saying no for her own good. That’s pretty awful. If you don’t want to date her, that’s ok, you’re not obligated to date anyone. But if you’re going to reject someone you want to be friends with you need to accept that however you do it you will hurt them, and the friendship may not continue. It’s extremely patronising to tell someone you know better than they do about how they feel or what they want. It also sounds like a bullshit excuse to justify rejecting someone you just aren’t into.
You also need to reflect on how you’re speaking about yourself, because people’s worth is not defined by any of the negative things you’ve said about yourself. It’s not true for you and it’s not true for other people. Holding those beliefs is likely to not only make your own life harder/worse but also risks you looking down on other people, or looking up to other people, based on whether they are healthy/able bodied and what job they have, which is not cool.
YTA. What you said sounded condescending, patronizing and full of self-pity. ick.
You can respond and say no with agency instead making it about you not being good enough and acting like you know better what someone else wants. She asked you thus she put herself out there. You weren’t able to meet her with same honest and open response.
Telling people what they deserve implies you are above them and know what’s better for them. you don’t and nobody likes to be talked down to.
What are you looking for by making this post? You’ve already made your mind up that you’re not worthy of dating, everyone js giving you advice and you won’t listen, excuse after excuse so accept you are the asshole and be at peace that you will never date anyone. Of course you’re the asshole for turning down and woman who you like and who likes you and pretending you’re doing it to protect her. You’re protecting yourself. From shame, guilt, embarrassment I’m not sure but no one is going to tell you what a hero you are and join your pity party. Only you can fight for what you want in life, no one else
YTA. I’m going to be so brutally honest right now, because I think you’re very deep in your own mental crisis and you need a shake up.
When your mental health is so bad that you’re using another person to hurt yourself with it (and hurting them as a result), it’s your *responsibility* to sort it out. That is not ok.
You rejected her based on your own arrogant beliefs that you ‘know what’s best’ for her, and then you saw her talking to someone else after you rejected her, and you left because you were *ashamed*?
Do you *like* using other people to hurt yourself? Does it make you feel better to know that people will respond in predictable ways if you treat them poorly? Is it designed to make you feel justified in your self-pity?
Because if so, you need to stop using other people for your own self-flagellation. People are human beings, not tools to support your own refusal to seek mental health assistance.
It’s literally your duty, if you actually ARE a good person, to get help for your issues because you’re putting them onto other people. Our mental health is our own responsibility. So take responsibility.
You think you know what’s better for her. That’s not up to you to decide.
But why don’t you actually put in the effort to BE better for her, instead of just rolling over to accept your fate and using other people (unwillingly, might I add) as a justification for your own rollercoaster of misery. Get some therapy.
You deserve to be happy. But you don’t deserve to use others as your own personal cat-o-nine to whip yourself with.