So I (19F) broke student in a foreign country lives with my mother. I had my first job last year and only get small amount of salary of it. On the other hand, my mom has been living here and has a stable job with an average amount of pay. Just a few days ago, she asked me (demanded) to give her 200 as a share in giving one of our family members who lives in a different country a money, I told her no since I only have 1k up in my savings. She keeps in bringing this up despite me saying no multiple times. One day, another family of mine asked for some money and I lend it to her because she said it was a matter of life and death and she begged and begged me. After a few day, my mother bringed it up again and I said I had given that family member already and I dont have anymore left in my bank to give to her. She went on and said that I can give her once my salary arrives. Here is a disclaimer: the mother of my stepfather gave me 500 on my birthday, and he he gave it to my mom hoping to give it to me but its been 2 months now and she keeps on saying that that money was the payment she used to buy me an accessory she got me for my birthday. Now back to present, i told told her that she can use that 500 to give to that family member of ours however she got mad and at this point we were screaming at each other. She said that I am so ungrateful and that I constantly count on stuff and if I am already like tht now, what will happen in the future, would I be the selfish one who wont give to her family? She started sayibg stuff like I should give back my phone, and things that she payed for since if I wanted to calculate things then she can take back the stuff she had given me. So am I the AH for not giving 200 to my mother just because I have already given money to the other family member? Should I give her the money instead?
NTA you don’t have money to give away.
And she stole your money.
NTA. Don’t give her money. It’s crazy that she’s using your present of 500 to buy you a gift. That is you essentially buying yourself a gift. The 500 was a gift. Tell your dad to ask her to hand it over to you now. You are not obligated to give her or any other family member money. If se’s threatening to take your phone, that is garbage because she bought it for you. You are the owner. She has no rights to your property. She has a job. She is not entitled to your money. But as an adult, she might try to charge you for rent and food.
If you give her money this time, she will never stop asking and trying to manipulate you into giving her more. Talk to your dad and tell him that if he has any monetary gifts for you that he needs to hand them to you directly. Your mom is not reliable and will gaslight you about any gifts she receives for you. This is financial abuse.
I don’t know how easily you can move out, but start saving for your own place or talk to friends about getting into a roommate situation.
NTA! Also, your mom buying your birthday present with your birthday money is super tacky. Tell your step dad you never received the gift his mother sent.
Do not give anyone money. Family can financially help family if they have the means. You don’t, and thats that. If your mom keepings bringing it up, say “Unfortunately I don’t have the money”, wash, rinse, and repeat as necessary. Saying “unfortunately” is to make it seem like you care, even if you don’t. I think it sounds more polite 🤷🏻♀️.
NTA. Write your stepfather’s mother a thank you note, and add, “Of course, my mother kept it to buy me a present for my birthday, so anything you want me to have you please give to me directly. Thank you again for your generosity!”
Hide your savings account from your mother or have two savings accounts, one with 45 (change it up from 10 to 20 to 45 and back down) for her to discover (easy password) and one with your real savings that she can’t see or suspect. When you want to move out you will need a lot of money to get your own place even when it’s with other students or graduates. Always “poor-mouth” in front of her.
Your mother has the support of her own income plus her husband’s, so she can handle the relatives.