Hello, I’ve come here to ask for advice and opinions because I do not really have anyone in my life other than my kids and husband. I can obviously not ask my kids for advice because they’re very young.
I (36F) am married (37M) and we have two children (12F/NB, 8F). My husband has his own electrical company and makes very decent money. I on the other hand am a teacher and my salary is not as big. It’s about enough to help get through times right now though. My husband’s very busy, but he’s great! He does laundry and some house cleaning when he can. He takes our daughters on daddy daughter dates and admittedly spoils them rotten on holidays and birthdays. It’s really important to him that he’s active in the girls’ lives because he never had that. His mother was the only one who raised him. So, he cares very dearly for my MIL. However, I really do not. I put up with her because my husband is so lovely.
My MIL grew up in an abusive household and will absolutely not get help or check out therapy no matter how many times we tell her. It affects our kids and whenever she visits, she constantly bullies my daughters. (She believes it’s normal because she grew up being bullied and being told these things.) I shut this down immediately, but she still gets whatever nasty thing she has to say out of her crooked mouth. She comments on my daughters’ makeup, weight, how they dress, my oldest daughter’s possible sexuality and gender identity.
I do let my oldest wear some makeup because she’s expressed being interested in the goth community. She also identifies as nonbinary and a lesbian, which is completely okay to me. We’ve even gotten her a flag! My youngest also loves makeup due to wearing it for dance competitions.
My MIL also brings her own turkey at thanksgiving to cut (youngest’s favorite animal is a turkey, so we cook chicken instead), she’s caused my daughter to have to go into therapy because of a developing ED, MIL has drank an entire case of alcohol in one visit that she hid in her room, she constantly spits out my food I make, she peed in the cat’s litter box when drunk. She’s a horrible guest.
I cannot stand this woman and she’s recently gotten cancer. My husband put aside money to help her fund treatment. I was asked to help pay, but I said no. My husband said I was an asshole because she’s paid for two family vacations in the past. She “takes care of us.” My husband’s sister was on my side because MIL has done the same to her children. However, they don’t cut her off though because she’s helped them with travel funds to see us. We want our kids to have connections with their cousins.
My husband does tell his mother off, but he doesn’t tell her as much because he “doesn’t want to upset her too much.” He really does care for this woman because she provided for him all of his life. He can’t cut her off. He says it’s “his turn to take care of her.” But he needs just a little extra. I do not want to pay. AITA?
Sounds like your husband could benefit from therapy.
ESH. Clearly she sucks
but you’ve been happy to take her money to keep connections with the cousins and go on vacations, so yeah, You’re an AH for not helping her out in her time of need.
if not for your MIL – for your husband, who will *absolutrely* see you in a different light *forever* if you refuse to support him even a little in this. If you value the happiness of your marriage, you should suck it up and do it.
That isn’t to say you should allow her to stay at your home or talk to your kids the way she does or piss in your litter box (it’s on him to put her in line there- it sounds like she has some serious issues with executive function/mental health). But when it comes to keeping your husbands mother *alive*, it should be a no brainer that yes, you’ll help (within reason ofc – like i wouldn’t agree to a 2nd mortgage or anything crazy like that).
I couldn’t add more than 3000 characters, but INFO: we paid for OUR share of the vacations. To us “family vacation” includes aunts, uncles, cousins, lots of people. MIL paid for her daughter and their family.
Thank you for your reply though!
NTA
This woman’s OWN DAUGHTER is on your side because this woman is a vile piece of work. Cancer and a sad past doesn’t excuse anyone being a disgusting human being. I’m sorry, I accept all downvotes coming my way, but she doesn’t deserve any help from people who she’s caused agony for. Giving gifts is the “drop in the oasis”. That’s all. Holidays and money don’t wash away her giving her own granddaughter an eating disorder.
ESH
It feels real shitty to take her money before but refuse to give a dime when she has cancer
I couldn’t add more than 3000 characters, but
INFO: we paid for OUR share of the vacations. To us “family vacation” includes aunts, uncles, cousins, lots of people. MIL paid for her daughter and their family.
You need to edit the post because the way it is worded now is extremely misleading.
If she can fund everyone’s trips, she can fund her own cancer treatments.
STOP alloweing your abusive MIL to visit. YOu are failing to protect your kids. Y T A for that.
“she’s caused my daughter to have to go into therapy because of a developing ED” .. now this is bullshit.
You have a husband problem.
“He really does care for this woman” .. sadly, he does not care enough for his kids to protect them from MIL’s abuse.
**ESH because you and your partner fail to protect your kids from MIL’S abuse.**
If your husband is putting money aside, then it is taking away money from the household. Money that might have gone to college education for the kids. Money that would go to your joint retirement, to your emergency fund… From that standpoint, you and your husband are both helping her. You guy need to sit down and look at your whole financial picture as well as get an idea of what her treatment plan in and how much insurance pays.
EDIT Because I am not a lawyer and obviously am relying on my experience where I live: apparently in just over half of US states children are responsible for the decisions of their parents. This is making me physically nauseous because that is so disgusting and unfair.
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I assume you’re in the US, because no one else would have to worry about this.
Don’t go at this from an emotional standpoint. This is purely financial.
Contact an attorney who specializes in elder care, because they’d be well versed in who pays for what. Familiarize yourself with how the US medicaid/medicare system works.
This is what I can tell you from personal experience. Children, no matter how old they are, are NOT responsible for their parent’s bills. Hard stop.
My FIL spent months in intensive care, then hospice. Because my husband was the one who signed the papers to have him admitted to the hospital, we were sued by the hospital and the hospice facility for the astronomical medical bills his father racked up. My lawyer’s exact words were, “Tell them to go pound sand.” Medical providers sue children of their patients because most people don’t understand that they aren’t legally responsible for their parent’s bills and they enter into payment arrangements because they think they have to. That is absolutely not the case.
With that said, you do have to understand what it means in the long run. When my FIL eventually died, the state took his house and sold it to cover his medical bills. Because we weren’t in any way reliant on my FIL, and we weren’t expecting any sort of inheritance anyway, that was irrelevant to us. But it is important to understand.
Helping your MIL could destroy your financial security, and your family is your first priority and your husband’s first responsibility. NTA.
ETA- call 211 and ask them if there are resources for your MIL. Just because you shouldn’t help financially doesn’t mean you can’t help in other ways.
ESH
Obviously, your MIL is a nightmare. On your end, your husband has no spine, and you’ve been enabling this woman to abuse your children. She sucks the most, but you’ve been letting this happen for way too long.
Your husband has made it clear he is going to prioritize his mother over you and his daughters. Have you spelled it out to him that he needs to protect your daughters or your relationship is over? Because it should be.
“Husband, we need to enforce the boundary that there is no bullying of our children. If MIL crosses that line, she needs to leave, immediately. It doesn’t matter if we stop her, she still said it and that’s causing harm to our children.” And then actually kick her out.
Kick her out if she gets so inebriated she cannot function, kick her out if she can’t respect basic boundaries like using a napkin if she needs to spit out food.
Her having cancer is irrelevant. People can be dying and still be abusive.
The best time to start protecting your children was years ago. The second best time is now. You need to be the one to step up. And either get your husband on your side, or start exploring a life without him. Maybe it will light up fire up under him if he realizes that he’s at risk of losing his wife and children if he continues to cater to this woman.
I’d suggest therapy, but that only helps if someone is actually interested in doing the work. You should just go by yourself. You’re going to need the support and the skills to get through this, to protect yourself and your children.
I think you have 3 issues here that are understandably getting adjusted together in your head
1) mil is horrible and really should never be allowed around your children. She’s abusing them.
2) husband has a strong bond with his mother. He’s free to have whatever relationship he wants with her, but this should be separate from your and your children’s relationship with her. For example, he visits her but not the other way around
3) financial question. Husband is asking for money for something that will break his heart if it goes poorly. You need to understand the details of these bills and if they’re going to continue getting higher. Mil may need to go into medical debt. But if it’s going to stop them from doing treatment that could end her life, with your husband being so bonded to her and you loving your husband, it might make sense to help. Just don’t you two go into debt for it. You need that safety net in case something happens to your immediate family
NTA but your problem is not your awful MIL.
Your problem is your husband, who not only tolerates her bullying your children, disrespecting you in your own home and acting like an animal but ALSO thinking about HIS money and YOUR money.
If he wants to treat you like a roommate who needs to pay her share, he can forget about you “helping” with his abusive mother. Roommates don’t pay for their roomies’ relatives medical care.
But frankly, your husband is not “lovely”. He’s an enabling AH who is demanding you pay up to take care of the AH MIL he refuses to keep in check.
He’s choosing her over you and your children. That’s not lovely, and no amount of laundry and daddy daughter’s dates can change that (they are his kids too. What he does is THE BARE MINIMUM)