I don’t even know how to explain the situation, since I believe is extremely ridiculous, but after so many times discussing them with my husband, I need some outside opinions… I know I’m postpartum hormonal, and newborn stressed, so personally I do believe I am the asshole, but at the same time, I think my request is valid to.
For context I’m a inmigrant with only my husband and two friends as family here, the rest of my family is in another continent, so I’m a really independent person that likes to figure out things by herself, by trying, make mistakes, learn and continue. My MIL took space when my baby came to the world because my mom was here visiting and helping, but as soon as she went back to my country, my MIL almost move in herself. I’m not complaining about the much needed help, I would just like to have the opportunity to ask for it, and try to learn how is to have a baby and being a mother.
Anyways, the current situation… after many talks my MIL stoped coming to the house unannounced and multiple times per day/week, but now she is still all the time giving presents to my baby… his first bottle, his first playground, his first winter jacket, his first this and that… tone of clothes and then if I buy something similar is either she asking why, what happened with what she brought or my husband saying there’s no need since we already have it.
Yesterday we received that she bought baby’s first teether, and I lost it, I complained to my husband on why he is not being more strong with the boundaries and he complained that I looked like I hated or didn’t like his family… is not the situation at all I fucking love these people, i literally feel more comfortable with his family than my own, this is not about them, is just that I would like to **be a mom**, now it feels like I’m babysitting her baby, since she buys everything, you see the baby and everything that they have is from her, but with me always looks like i bought the wrong size or wrong type of clothes or things…
Im being dramatic and ungrateful, I know, and as grandma she should be able to do all the gifts that she wants to her grandkid… I would just like to have the opportunity to buy stuff for my own baby, and discover what they need or want myself. I’m not saying to stop with the gifts, just maybe if she can ask before hand if we want or not, or what we need, so we can all enjoy the gift. Am I the asshole?
NTA – it’s your first baby. You want to experience these firsts for yourself as these first few months are really precious. I’m sure she also has good intentions but I think what you’re asking is for her to ask what you need rather than go off and get the sun and the stars. Your baby is very lucky to have such a good support system.
May I recommend writing a list of things that could be useful, might be easier to make it general to allow some creativity but with clear direction (for example sleep suits 9-12 months).
NAH- she’s trying to help, set her things aside and buy what you want. use the things you buy. when she asks where the things are she bought, smile nicely and say, “oh, i had chosen something else, but thank you.”
And if a friend has a child soon or when the time comes, OP can easily gift or donate any unopened items!
I think you will have plenty of opportunities to buy your kid their first of many items. Babies are expensive and grow out of clothes so fast, take all the freebies you can. I’ve been lucky enough to have so much support ive hardly had to buy my 3 month old anything. But that wont last long, she will need more age appropriate items as she grows. Soft YTA cause you gotta choose the hill you want to die on wisely.
NTA
> if I buy something similar is either she asking why, what happened with what she brought
Look her straigjt in the eye and say “I bought it because I wanted to pick one by myself, like I told you before”. Be assertive again and again. The more you accept this, the more she will do it.
100% this.
There is something magical and deeply bonding about picking out special treasures/milestone items for your baby that can’t really be put into words and OP deserves the opportunity to feel that.
INFO: In your many conversations with your husband, what exactly did you both decide? Did he talk to his mother about toning down the gifts or did that step not get decided on? Does your husband agree there is a problem here or is the conflict between the two of you where you see a problem that he does not?
NTA. She is excited and a little overbearing, and overstepping. Yes, it’s out of generosity and a desire to provide for you all, but it’s too much.
It is your prerogative to plan for and purchase all of your baby’s “firsts”, but she seems oblivious to that. She thinks she’s helping. Your husband doesn’t get it, either.
I wonder if you could offer a list or set up a registry of some kind at a baby store, from which she could select items that you are willing to have others purchase for the baby. Then gently say that anything not on the list is something you plan to purchase, so if she could please check with you and your husband before buying it, that would be great.
Your husband needs to help to send this message. You are the mother, and no one is more important. Hold that truth close to your heart. In time, you’ll find ways to allow her more space, but on your terms. She really just wants to contribute, so find ways for her to do that.
Don’t focus on things, focus on the relationship between you and your child. Hold, sing, read, love, be WITH your baby in ways that only you can.
Physical items are not a manifestation of love, actions are.
Show your baby your love and not through things, through actions, through you.
I dont think buying things for your baby makes you any more or less a mom.
If you were excited about that aspect of parenthood, you’d have done research and gone out to get all the ‘baby’s first’ stuff ages ago in anticipation of needing them.
It seems like your MIL saw the stuff you didn’t have, and took it upon herself to help you out by getting them – and while you’re not an ah for feeling some type of way – she isn’t an asshole for seeing what you’re missing and trying to fill the gap before those things become necessary.
I’m going to say YTA, softly. I think her getting these gifts is making you feel some type of way (inadequate, maybe) and you’re blaming it on the presents. But **the fact is when your baby suddenly needs something to teethe on, and is screaming bloody murder – you’re gonna be** ***grateful as fuck*** **grandma had the foresight to buy it already**
while i respect independence and “figuring out things by yourself, by trying, making mistakes, learn and continue”, it isn’t the best philosophy for child rearing when you have someone *right there* with the knowledge, experience and foresight to draw upon.
its *baby stuff.* when you dont need it anymore you can sell the stuff you dont wanna keep and make some extra bank and grandma gets to pat herself on the back for helping twice lol. it’s win win.
This is a perfect response, please take some of this feedback OP.
No one is the asshole here, you both are excited about a new baby in the family.
You want to experience all the firsts as this is your first time being a mother. Understandable.
She wants to be there for her grandchild and be of support. Sounds like she understood she was being overbearing being over all the time. She sounds fairly reasonable.
Have a discussion with your husband, I feel he should maybe have this discussion with his mother first and if nothing adjusts, you speak with her.
But these firsts you’re mentioning don’t really matter (IMO as someone without any children). You’ll have all the important firsts, and you are that baby’s whole world. He relies on you for everything.
Give your MIL some grace, baby things are so expensive and they grow out of them so quickly.
As someone else mentioned, maybe start a list of things she could provide/get if she wants. And the things you want to get, leave off the list. Also, as you mention, this could be exasperated due to the excessive hormones and adjusting to everything and everyone. Best of luck, you’ll work this out.
I hear you – grandparents can get many, MANY gifts for their grandchildren. 8)
Since this is your mother-in-law, it’s a delicate situation, so your husband needs to be part of the solution.
That solution is for *both of you* to sit down with her and tell her something like this:
>”We appreciate all the gifts for \[baby’s name\], but part of the fun of being parents is picking things out for ourselves. With both sets of grandparents wanting to give gifts and us buying things too, it gets confusing and we wind up with duplicates or things we don’t need. If you’ll ask us what they need, we can always give you ideas for gifts…would that be okay?”
As an alternative, you could keep a list (on Amazon, for example) of specific items and tell friends and family alike, “you can always look HERE for things \[baby’s name\] needs”…and that would help with birthday and holiday gifts, too.
NTA – and good luck!
Nta. I 100% get it. Grandma needs to give you space. Yes, she is enthusiastic but that doesn’t forgive it. Assuming her heart is in a good place and she really wants to help, maybe there can be a hapoy compromise?
My MIL (with little boundaries) has very bad taste, so we made a pinterest board with things we did like. We asked her to send a picture of clothes before buying.
They also wanted to buy him shoes, coats etc. We offered to buy them and them refund us, or that we would come along for the shopping so we could pick something we like together.
For us it has worked well, with some bumps along the road. And they knew that if we didn’t want it, we wouldn’t use ir.
Third option: books are always nice to have and you can’t have enough. Or ask her to start a college fund for the baby.