So basically my (17) cousin sister (24) got married to a guy(28) a few months ago. 5 days ago, they were in our city for attending a function and so my parents invited them, and they are going to stay here for two weeks.
So Here’s what her husband has done since the last few days to creep me out:
1. Barged into my room at like 2 am to ask for water. (He knows where the kitchen is)
And the problem is that, wearing shorts outside my room is not allowed, I have to wear full sleeved shirts and pants. And my parents specifically told him to wake them if he needed anything.
So basically when he came in I was in shorts, and my parents scolded ME for some reason (like why was I not covered up in a blanket)
2. Then we were at a mall, and he was like he saw some dress they would suit me (we were there mainly for my sisters shopping, but he didn’t even help her select one dress).
But I didn’t want to buy anything, so I told him no. He grabbed my wrist, tightly, and tried to drag me to the shop. It took me 2 whole minutes to get my hand free. I was scared, but didn’t tell anyone
3. Then one day they also had plan to go for go-karting, and he loves these activities very much. Basically he, my sis, my parents and my younger brother (sibling) were gonna go. I was staying at home alone cuz exams. As soon as he gets to know that, he wants to stay home, just cuz "he doesn’t feel like going" (it’s literally one of his favourite things to do). And as I was already creeped out so I decided to go at my friends place to study. Now he suddenly wants to go again.
4. This was the last straw, so basically, yesterday we were all at the function now (my family, my sis and her husband). And I was wearing a Lehenga (This is a garment in which mid riff and mid back is not covered)
So the buffet had just started and the creep came to inform me this. And he was like let’s go there together. And you know what he did next? He put his hand on my back, like on my skin, where there was no covering by the cloth, gripped tightly and then pulled me by my waist. I was so shocked.
Like here men and women even touching publically is a big no no. So him doing this is really… And there was no need to touch me and pull me like that, I was agreeing to go with him anyways.
I went straight to my mom and told her everything. And I also wanted to tell my sister, she deserves to know what he is doing. But my mom said that I should keep quiet and try to stay away from him. She says that we don’t want create unnecessary drama and fights between them.
And when I told my father, he said I was overthinking it, and he probably didn’t do it with any bad intention, & maybe his thoughts are just a bit "Modern" (He doesn’t let his younger sister work outside, so yeah very MODERN)
So should I tell my sis, yes it may cause an argument or even she won’t take me seriously. So WIBTA if I tell her all these things that have happened, or am I overthinking it?
Sorry for the long post, and my English isnt great. But I really need some opinions. Thanks for reading
To me, the right thing to do is to always speak out against inappropriate behaviour. It might make some people upset with you for “causing drama” but at least the creep will stop. It might also give anyone else he may be being inappropriate with the courage to speak up.
NTA. Listen to your instincts as they can save you from a bad situation.
I personally would tell my sister, and what she does, is up to her.
As you say, she may not believe you, but you have done your duty to inform her and to try to keep yourself safe.
Stay away from that man. He clearly is a predator. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.
Yeah thanks for the response.
I will try to stay away as much as I can, but our home is quite small, so that’s going to be difficult.
Stick close to your family, mom, dad, sister herself and if you can, get a lock for your bedroom. Or block it with a chair so he is not able to open it again.
Tell someone you trust, and if you’re able to spend time away from home while they are there, like studying with a friend, do that.
He’s not just a creep. He a predator. Just because culturally, your parents are fine with enabling him doesn’t make it okay. Make a huge stink even if no one believes you and never let your guard down and never be alone with him, ever. Pity your sister but don’t be a victim. Telling her won’t help her or change anything for her. Watch out for yourself.
NTA. BTW your parents are in the wrong for everything and I’m so sorry your home is not safe. Tell your sister ASAP so it can’t be twisted by the man. Tell her what happened, don’t use words like creep or anything about the man, as it might make her defensive by association. Focus on the facts.
I’d tell the sister he’s making you uncomfortable. I’d tell him, loudly, “don’t touch me” if he ever puts hands on you again.
This is not okay, and it is an issue. Even if he means nothing by it, it’s still culturally unacceptable and it makes you uncomfortable so he should respect that.
Men like this use the fact that women are conditioned to stay silent to avoid drama or conflict in order to prey on them.
Speak up. With your loudest voice. “BIL is behaving in ways that make me uncomfortable and if he touches me again I will cause a scene”.
Yeah I will. Thanks
NTA Your parents are definitely a-holes for telling you to let it go and blaming you though.
You’ve done nothing wrong and unless you think she’ll react like your parents you should tell your sister, otherwise tell a trusted adult. A teacher, aunt or uncle, religious leader, ect.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Do not apologize for your English, it’s very good.
NTA.
I say, tell your sister.
Your parents are blind, or ignoring the facts. This is inappropriate contact, he has intentions. Grabbing and pulling you to have you try on a dress, or wanting to stay home alone with you? These are not innocent acts. I fell your sister deserves to know.
However, things may get bad, she may get mad at you. Your whole family may. I promise you that if you tell her, he will come up with reasons to excuse his behavior (you wanted the dress, are lying about how he grabbed your wrist or waist, he didn’t want you to feel vulnerable by being home alone, etc).
With that said, if you decide to NOT tell your sister, that does not make you a bad person. Because you do have to live with your family still, so taking care of your own well being is important. And only you can know if you can handle what may come your way if you tell her.
I’m gonna assume (correct me please if I’m wrong) you’reof Indian descent based on the legenga and based on your mom’s reaction.
I know Indian woman (the mentality that’s raised through generations) it’s taught to stay quiet and keep your head down, don’t ask questions or grab attention. That’s what it seems like your mom is trying to do
I’d base it off how close you and sister/cousin are – if you tell her something, does she believe you, or question you? Obviously it’s something that’s bothering you and leaving you scared to be alone with him. I would tell her what’s been happening and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If she cares how you feel, she will say something/make a change.
****Life lesson (a family lesson me and my sister both went through): if someone does or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable/makes you feel like your feelings are invalid, and you talk to them – there are 2 ways they may respond.
1. They will listen, try to understand, and apologize or try to learn to correct their actions/words
2. They will ignore it, push it under the rug, pretend like you never said anything, and all is fine in the world.
Are they willing to be Reactive or Proactive?
NTA but I’m worried your parents aren’t very supportive people. If you’re in a country where your sister can’t get divorced or it would be dangerous for her to do so, then don’t tell her. But never be alone with this man. And the next time he touches you I want you to yelp. Yelp loudly, like he’s startled you. The trick here is to seem very surprised and like the loud shriek is involuntary reaction. Every time you have to do this, hopefully it will draw everyone’s attention. And you can say “oh I’m so sorry, you startled me. I’m not comfortable with a man who isn’t my father touching me.”
I grew up in a very oppressive religious environment steeped in patriarchy and this is how I staved off my abusers. Pretending to be startled in a very loud way every time they touched me. Sure people made fun of me and my dad said I was embarrassing the family but I was always able to play it off as just “oh it just surprised me!” And when that didn’t work I’d wrap it up in religious language “oh I can’t have a man who isn’t my brother or father touch me.” It sucks to have to play that game. It sucks to not just be respected and have your boundaries recognized but sometimes you have to find ways to win in this rigged game. I hope you are able to stay away from this man.
I would show your sister this post – everything laid out. And then understand she might not believe you. Don’t argue with her about that feeling. She’ll need time to absorb it. Just tell her to be more observant of her husband and how he acts toward you. Also, if possible, get yourself a spy cam of some sort (for your room and/or any other place he often acts inappropriately and something that can be worn inconspicuously. He has way crossed the line of just being creepy. I think he’s one step away from assaulting you. NTA