Throwaway account for privacy.
My (44M) ex-wife (43F) and I do the co-parenting thing where the kids (13M & 5F) stay at the house and she and I cycle in and out during the week so they have stability and aren’t going back and forth between houses. We’ve been doing this about 3 years and while it has worked, it’s getting more difficult.
In the divorce settlement she got the house even though it’s still under my name so we can keep our sub 3% mortgage rate. Under the many line items in the agreement, we agreed to split "wear and tear" things around the house, which when we discussed it would be like if the toilet seat broke or something along those lines. I know, we should have been SO much more specific, but we weren’t, so lesson learned.
Well the upstairs couch needs replacing now and she asked me if that’s considered wear and tear. My response to her was "You have thousands of dollars in debt you’re trying to pay off and I have thousands in debt I’m trying to pay off". It’s tight right now for both of us. But I reminded her that we have a $4,000 couch in the downstairs living room that never gets used which could easily come upstairs. She responded to me by saying "So your kids deserve to live like white trash?". I stopped responding. Now I’ve found out that she’s getting her parents to finance the couch for her and she informed me that they both hope that I get my priorities straightened out. And tonight she informed me that I shouldn’t be surprised if her parents call me to talk about this situation.
AITA for recommending we move the other couch upstairs so it’s not another bill added to plate and not splitting the cost of a new couch with her?
This is an untenable situation. It also isn’t what’s best for your kids. It seems like you agreed on “Coparenting” this way because you both have too much debt to hire lawyers, divide your assets, and make a clean break.
Unless you’re upside down on your mortgage, sell the house and use it to pay off/down your debts.
While the financial situation is not ideal, it has been found that sharing a home where the kids stay and the parents rotate in and out is far preferable to separate homes where the kids are the ones who change houses every week.
Generally, the parents also share another home that they stay in while the other parent has parenting time.
I would also bet that ex-spouses who can share two homes and coordinate regularly rotating who lives where also get along much better and have had a significantly less contentious divorce and less conflict throughout their relationship than the average divorcing couple, so unless the findings you’re referring to somehow controlled for that, I would bet that’s where the positive effect comes from, not specifically who rotates.
NTA. I would have suggested moving the couches around also, especially since buying a new couch would add to the debt you are already trying to catch up on. If her parents call just ignore them and don’t pick up. You don’t owe them an explanation for why you didn’t buy a new couch. And how is it “white trash” to use a perfectly good sofa? Your ex needs to get her priorities in order. Can you get that wear and tear agreement changed to actually list what falls under that exactly?
NTA – neither of the couches in question are on the front porch, so this situation fails to quality for White Trash status.
If you ever had a reasonable relationship with your ex-in-laws I would just text or e-mail them –
“Hey, it’s my understanding you are purchasing a new couch for the kids’ house. I appreciate your generosity when it comes to the children. I just wanted you to know that my suggestion was for us to use the seldom-used living room couch, in the more often used upstairs space, so that both my ex and I could put more money towards paying off debts that we both still have.
Again, I appreciate anything you want to do for the kids. Ex seems to think I’m intentionally depriving them, but I just hope to see ex and myself in better financial positions in the future, and that means minimizing large expenses right now.
Thank you, and please let me know if I can provide anymore clarity on the situation.”
I would bet you anything she is being dishonest with them about her current position… or is being dishonest with you about their involvement at all.
If your relationship with them was always poor then just don’t even worry about them, and ignore your ex’s guilt trip.
NAH YOu agreed to it.
you definitely made sure that you lost out big in the divorce agreement? Didn’t you have a lawyer?
So if you don’t have a new couch your white trash??
Also nta. Suggesting ways to not waste 4k is fine.
NTA. She never planned on spending a penny on that couch herself. She was simply trying to get you to pay half and her parents pay half. She knew all along that her parents would pay if you didn’t. She needs to learn to manage her money and stop expecting others to assume the cost of what she wants. Bad example for the kids.
Ur not wrong…when the parents call….I implore u to say these five words. This is about a couch?!? After every statement the make…hot water tank sure…. Couch that you can’t cut in half and split when you move? Bad idea
Need More Info: Why does using the downstairs couch make you white trash? This doesn’t make sense.
NTA—if you have a perfectly good couch that’s going unused in its current location, it’s perfectly logical to move it to a place in need of a couch, especially when there are debts that need paying.
No there is a perfectly good couch down stairs. If she doesnt like it and you do then that’s her problem she can buy a new one. This is a decor issue not a wear and tear issue. Even if the couch is horrendous if you are happy with it then you shouldn’t be forced into buying a new one. If her parents want to help even better. She obviously really wants it and figures you’re going to be using it too potentially putting wear and tear on it. So I mean you cant blame her for trying to get you to pay for half the couch but if its not something you care about then you shouldn’t have to pay especially considering you are in debt. I do wonder why they are mentioning priorities though.
Why did you spend $4k on a couch in the first place?
ESH. Sell the other couch to cover your debt, and other than that the two of you need to work something out so the kids won’t witness you argue over this.