My (18F) mom (58F) had me when she was 40, as she was always busy working in her 20s-30s. She loves children, and always wanted at least 2, but was unable to due to her age.
Ever since I turned 12, my mom will always make comments about how she’s "so excited to hold her grandchildren".
When I turned 16, she told me that I should freeze my eggs in my early 20s in case I don’t have children by then. I understand where she’s coming from, but it felt extremely uncomfortable for my mom to be talking about grandchildren when I myself was a child. I asked her if she wanted me to get pregnant at 16, and she said she would take care of the baby if I did.
To add to that, we are East Asian, and the East Asian beauty standard is basically European features (big eyes, tall nose bridge, light hair, etc.) My mom has lots of Asian friends who have white husbands and wasian (white & Asian) children. She’s always going on and on about how wasian babies are so adorable and I should marry a white man to get "cute babies", to which I respond, no matter what race the child is, they’ll be cute to me as long as they’re mine.
Now every time she brings up grandchildren, I can’t help but get annoyed because she brings it up all the time. I tell her to stop and that I’ll have children when the time is right and when I find the right person, and to stop pestering me about it. Then my mom will kinda play the victim and say "whatever, I’ll just die anyway before I see my grandchildren".
Last week, she brought it up AGAIN, and I got so upset that I screamed at her face that I’ll never ever have children, and her constantly bringing it up would pressure me mentally and make me unable to have children. I didn’t mean it, and I do eventually want a family, but my mom seemed to be extremely sad after I said that. I know that she’s only saying this because of her own experience and she doesn’t want me to go through the same thing, and I realize I may have said too much, but having been told the same thing for the past 6 years, I can’t stand it anymore. AITA?
It has to be so frustrating thinking that your mother sees you as a machine to produce a grandchild for her rather than a whole person. NTA
NTA, that kind of pressure is always inappropriate and uncomfortable. you’re way, way too young for her to be pushing that much about it.
NTA
>Ever since I turned 12, my mom will always make comments about how she’s “so excited to hold her grandchildren.”
This is a very weird thing to say to a then 12 year old. OP, you’re not obligated to give your mom grandkids at all. How this reads to me is your mom wants to live out her dream of 2 kids through you.
If your mom wants more kids, how come she doesn’t adopt a kid? There are plenty of kids looking for someone to call mom
NTA As someone who is childfree, I am angry for you. Your mom needs therapy.
Was it a little mean? Probably. Does making your mom sad do a number on you? Yes. That doesn’t make you the asshole – she has a years-long history of not respecting your boundaries, being inappropriate for your age, and seeing you as an incubator. If hurting her feelings is what it took for her to finally back off, then so be it.
NTA. You’re still a teenager. Nobody should be pressuring anybody to have kids, but it’s especially galling in this situation, because you’re basically still a kid yourself.
NTA. Having kids is a personal choice. If my kids have kids and I become a grandma, cool. If they don’t have kids and I never become a grandma, cool. As long as my kids are happy in life that’s all that matters to me.
NTA
That may have been a bit extreme, but you’ve been trying the polite responses, and they don’t seem to be registering.
Whether or not to have children is your decision, as is who you partner with. Your mom needs to take a seat, and lay off with the constant pressure. You need to be able to sort out what you want your life to look like, and right now, all of your energy is getting burned through just fending her off.
NTA as pressure just accumulated in you. As a women in early 30s I understand the pressure and I had a close situations.
It’s ok just to sit your mom and in calm voice tell her how you feel, and you actually want a baby too, but it’s too big pressure. I’m sure she didn’t want to hurt you she just wasn’t thinking much about effect of her words, and after that she’ll know more about your feelings and also will be less anxious about you wanting kids.
NTA Your mother sees you as an incubator. And she needs to learn that this behaviour will end up in you pushing her away if she doesnt pack it in.
NTA
She didn’t get to choose her life and yours as well.
You have the right to have kids at your 40s if that’s what you want.
NTA. Your mother needs to talk to a professional her baby issues. To me it sounds like she wants you to have a baby so she can have a do-over. Which is insulting and dismissive of you, whose actual childhood she wants to correct.
Failing that, find someone you can talk to who can give you objective advice on how to cope with her.
Updateme
NTA, your mom really put too much pressure on you.
It was her own decision to wait before having children, and now she trys to pressure you to become a teenage mom so she can take care.
Why doesn’t she foster, or babysit for friends, if she likes little children so much? than she would do something good while you can build a life before you get kids.
NTA.
You’ve asked her to stop. Told her it made you uncomfortable, and on top of that you are still in school. Blowing up like that was almost guaranteed. Was it the best approach? No. But was an inevitable blow up coming? Yes.
I do encourage you to apologize. Something to the effect of “mom, im really sorry I blew up at you like that, but they way you keep pressuring me about giving you grandkids is inappropriate and unwanted. All you do with this grandkids talk is make me not want to have them at all. How about you let me finish growing up, find a partner on my own, and then make that decision for ourselves without you pressuring me to give you grand kids. Because it makes me feel like thats all im good for to you.”