Context: I (F) met a girl in March last year on a friendship app. We became good friends, met up around 10 times, and texted every day.Everything was great and she felt like a long-term friend.
In November we had plans to go on a night out. The day before, as I was walked into work, I clicked on her Instagram story and saw a photo of a dog with “RIP” as the caption. I didn’t have time to respond as I work in a facility where I can’t use my phone for about 8 hours at a time. I also want to add, I didn’t even know she had a dog until I saw this post.
I told myself I would message her properly after work. However, I genuinely forgot.
The next day, (the day of our night out), I messaged her to check if she still wanted to go as the weather was really bad. She replied saying that since her dog had died, she obviously wasn’t going to come. I immediately apologised for my lack of message, asked if she was okay, and said we could rearrange another time.
After that, she was very quiet. She didn’t message me first at all and when I checked in a few days later, she replied but didn’t carry on the conversation. This continued for weeks, she gave very blunt replies, no questions back, no effort. I always reached out.
Another month went by and I decided to ask her if something was wrong and whether it was because I hadn’t messaged her straight away about her dog. I explained again that I was at work so couldn’t reply and apologised again noting I was there for her. I also told her I felt disappointed because I was going through some personal things at the time, which she knew about, and I felt she hadn’t been there for me.
She told me that if I had time to look at her story, I had time to message her, and that she was really taken aback that I had not messaged her on the same day. She said she would never do that to me and that she needed time to get over it. I completely understood and emphasised that I am there for her for whatever she needs.
Another month goes by, and nothing changed. She has not messaged me first since, she does reply but bluntly and doesn’t engage in the conversation or ask me anything. I’ve reached out multiple times to check if she’s okay.
Today I messaged her saying that I feel it’s unfair to essentially ignore me and end the friendship over one incident which I feel I have sufficiently apologised for, several times, and tried to be there for her. I told her to let me know if she does not want to be friends so I can move on.
AITA for feeling hurt and calling this out? I feel I have done enough to repair the friendship.
NTA. “Some time” would be like a week or two, tops. She’s being unnecessarily punitive to you just because.
Ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who punishes you like this.
NAH. Sometimes things happen that alter a friendship. She’s allowed to have that reaction, and you’re allowed to respond how you did.
NTA. You apologized multiple times, had a genuine reason, and her expectations for people to drop everything to reply to a snapchat story is kinda wild. I think you’re in the right to feel snubbed here. Shes clearly still mourning the loss of her dog; which is entirely valid; but what isn’t valid is taking that out on friends/people around her.
You also even stopped to ask/check on her when the conversation was brought up during the convo about plans. Shes just being weirdly self centered and if its accurate about her not granting you the same kindness/attention with your struggles i think its safe to say this relationship was already very self serving for her. Hell, she didnt even want to communicate what was wrong until you dug for it. OP, i think id probably walk away from this one
NTA. You apologized many times for a genuine mistake, you were at work, but she’s chosen to ice you out for months instead of communicating or forgiving. You’ve done enough.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I feel for your friend, nothing worse than the lose of a family member. BUT. The world doesn’t revolve around the dog or the dog’s death. You did acknowledge the death the next day.
If she continues on with this behaviour, I’m sorry to say that the friendship won’t survive. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else.
NAH here. Honestly, something like this happened to me two years ago when my dog passed. People grieve differently. She may have wanted a shoulder to cry on. I, on the other hand, wanted to crawl into a hole and die. We don’t know how people want to be supported unless they actually tell us. You did try to reach out and she didn’t think it was good enough.
Honestly? Just let the friendship die if she doesn’t want to repair it. I didn’t repair my friendship with my friend but it was more because they ghosted me when I was spiraling in depression for months and they were upset I wasn’t “back to normal” after a few weeks.
ESH – yes, she could have reached out first and more often and probably should have as well as being more aware. Especially after over a month. I lost my cat of 18 years last month and am still not 100%(coming home to an empty and quiet home after work still sucks) but I am able to communicate and know that it is now my grief to handle and no one else’s.
You need to take a step back and realize that her losing her dog was exponentially more important than your “personal things”. Of course she’s going to be quiet. Her fucking dog died, OP. Are you that heartless or just that conceited to think that whatever was going in your life is more important than the loss of her dog? That’s where you lost me.
At the end of the day, maybe you two just aren’t compatible as friends. It happens.
NTA. She didn’t bother to tell you she had a dog despite meeting up 10 times and talking in between? But then gets mad at you for not sending a message of condolence? Sounds like a drama queen.
I am a dog person, and don’t know how anyone who’s met me more than twice wouldn’t know about my pups- I also certainly wouldn’t hold it against anyone if they didn’t send me a text message checking in on me if something happened to them (I also didn’t care about people sending me messages after losing humans in my life- offer to hang out or go do something, condolences are hollow to me)
NAH
People are allowed to end or step back from friendships for any reason they choose.
You weren’t an AH for what you did and she isn’t an AH because she doesn’t want to be friends with you.
She is over-reacting a bit by expecting immediate social media acknowledgement and you overstepped by telling her you think it is unfair to end the friendship – we never are obligated to the same level of relationship another feels for us.
If seems like your new friend has different friendship expectations than you do – so it is time to move on.
NTA- I love my dogs, but I don’t expect everyone to see them the way I do.
You apologized. She’s overreacting.
If you were such good friends, why didn’t she mention she had a dog? It seems kinda odd. Also, if she’s so upset that you were pursuing your life & didn’t comment about an animal you didn’t even know existed, do you really want her as a friend? It’s one thing to not tell you about the dog. But to freak out about you not commenting on its death. And to hold a grudge this long is ridiculous. What else don’t you know about her? I would say it’s a blessing in disguise that she’s not your friend anymore. Sounds quite childish.
>The next day, (the day of our night out), **I messaged her to check if she still wanted to go as the weather was really bad.** She replied saying that since her dog had died, she obviously wasn’t going to come. I immediately apologised for my lack of message, asked if she was okay, and said we could rearrange another time.
This is where YTA. You didn’t owe her immediacy because you were at work, but you check in the next day *knowing her dog just died* and don’t mention it at all? You don’t even suggest coming over or if she needs anything because her dog died, you’re worried that the weather might be too bad to go out?
Just pull back and let this fizzle out, you don’t need to have some kind of dramatic break up moment. These things happen, your friend’s perception of you has changed, it doesn’t sound reconcilable, let it go.
NTA. I don’t understand people who post things on social media and expect immediate personalized replies. If I want a particular person to care about something, I talk to them directly.
I think where you went wrong was when you messaged her the next day asking if she still wanted to do something, you STILL didn’t acknowledge her dog’s death. Instead, you mentioned the weather being shitty and wondered if you wanted to skip because of the weather, and not because something she LOVED just died.
I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, but I don’t think you’re a great friend.