My husband (38M) and I (38F) both work full time and have an 18-month-old together. I also have two teens (16F, 17F) from a previous relationship. I work from home; he works outside the house.
I handle most of the day-to-day childcare and logistics for our toddler, on top of working and caring for the teens. A typical day looks like this: working until 5pm, caring for the baby throughout the day, grocery shopping, taking him to appointments (including speech therapy), cooking, play time, feeding, bathing, bedtime, and often being up with him until 12–2am, then working again the next day. I take the baby with me to almost all errands and appointments.
My husband does contribute in other ways. He handles laundry, trash/recycling, home projects, sometimes makes breakfast on weekends, checks in during the day, and will help if I directly ask. He loves our child, and our child loves him.
Where I struggle is consistency of support and initiative. Some patterns I notice:
When I’m visibly exhausted, tired, or sick he asks if I “need anything,” but if I say no in that moment, he continues with self involved plans (gaming or sleeping).
He rarely takes the baby with him to errands or appointments and is usually not present for doctor visits or therapy. He was against me proactively putting the baby in speech therapy and asking for developmental screening, but shuts me down when I try to explain why and my concerns. To this day, besides the speech delay, he has never heard any of my other concerns.
When he is off on Fridays, he still expects me to assist with childcare even while I’m working (e.g., making food, but asking me to feed the baby while I am actively busy).
There are frequent stretches where he games, sleeps, or runs errands alone while I handle childcare all day and evening, including bedtime.
When I express frustration or sadness, conversations often turn into explanations of why my feelings don’t make sense or why he’s “already asked what I needed,” rather than acknowledgment.
Support usually happens only after I ask, and sometimes it feels reluctant. Over time, this has left me feeling less prioritized and like I’m managing everything by default. He will ask what me and the baby have planned for the weekend vs hanging with us.
On my side, I know I’m not perfect. I’m tired, stressed, less affectionate than I used to be, have gained weight recently, cry a lot, I’m resentful, and sometimes shut down instead of communicating my needs. I’m sure that impacts the relationship.
AITA and unreasonable for not wanting to ask for help and just expecting him to take initiative? He makes me feel like the worst person whenever I talk about my feelings. I started crying tonight and asked him if he even wanted to be married to me.
He said yeah if I can fix my communication issues and stop put my emotions on him to solve. I just wanted him to notice the things I do and take more initiative without me having to ask.
NTA It sounds like you have a situation like this
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
The standard was set long ago that this level of *participation* was acceptable. It really is not sustainable nor fair.
Good news is that you are allowed to change the dynamic! Communicate that you need him to actively be involved in raising his child. You need him to take on the mental load too. Example- Friday’s are on him to navigate childcare.
It’s not just about whether he wants to be married to you- but also if you want to be married to him. He is not the prize!
NTA. He’s a parent, not your helper. You’re both equal in this. You need to sit down with him and the two of you as a team need to figure out a childcare schedule that gives you both free time. My partner and I designate one “parent on point” while the other can do as they please, and that way we both are guaranteed free time. Do what works for you but find something that works.
NTA but communicate what you need. Like Friday he’s on child care duty. He needs to take the kid on some errands and give you a break. Ask for breaks daily ask for an hour of decompression for example.
He is also a parent and you should tell him so. He can take over bath time every night or some other things. If he’s not listening to you, perhaps marriage guidance will help.
If you feel mental health issues encroaching on you, get yourself to the Dr. There is no shame in asking for help.
You haven’t mentioned your teens but they need their mum too. They are going through some challenging years.
NTA. You’re handling the full emotional load. Him saying “tell me what to do and I’ll do it” is less helpful than doing nothing. https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Labor-Invisible-Shaping-Lives/dp/1250777356
Tell him to shape up or ship out. He needs to be proactive and anticipating things, just like you do.
“bUt I aM tHe bReaDwiNner” he might say. Remind him that being a provider means more than just money.
If he doesn’t pull his head out, you might end up a Walk Away Wife.
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriageadvice/comments/1fkx4vm/walk_away_wife_syndrome/
NTA. Essentially, you’re running a full-time daycare while working another full-time job. Parenting is teamwork, not a one-player-optional game. You shouldn’t have to file a formal request for help every time. Compassion and initiative should be reflex, not an elective course. And oh, communication is two-ways; he’s equally responsible for it.
NTA. You guys should be getting about equal leisure time, after all of the housework, work, and childcare is done. Are you getting any at all? Because it sounds like you’re pretty close to having to be on and working on something all the time, while he has significant leisure time.
Obviously, you don’t want to be his manager, and that‘s what he’s telling you to do. He wants you to do all the thinking, to assess the whole state of the household, then choose and assign tasks to him. You need him opening his eyes and looking to see if things need doing. A thing that might help, if you’ve got the bandwidth for it, is making as extensive a list of “all the household tasks” that you can think of, with roughly how often they need doing (daily? Weekly? biweekly? monthly?), and have him go through the list. The list is obviously too long for you to manage on your own in a sane way. You need an equal partner, not an employee you manage, which means that he needs to start picking things off the list for himself before he goes off and does fun things.
He should not be expecting you to always assign him tasks, and his share of keeping the household running and childcare has to come before the video games and running and other leisure activities. He seems to be thinking the household is yours to run so he’s only responsible for helping when asked, instead of treating it as a shared household that he has equal responsibility with you to keep rolling along. It’s a big shift in mindset and buy-in that you’re asking for, and it’s a fair ask.
He also needs to quit treating you like the default parent and himself like a babysitter. If he doesn’t know what your little one eats or how to prepare it, he needs to learn, not shuffle it off to you. He can’t just leave you with the baby all weekend. He needs to know about his own child’s health. Does he even know who your kid’s doctor is or how to reach them if the baby gets sick? This is his kid, too. He needs to be a full parent, and do the parts that are routine and boring and even inconvenient, not just the fun parts. He’s not the wacky uncle who only shows up for the fun bits, he’s supposed to be your equal here, too.
But honestly, I can only wish you good luck as far as getting that. It’s big changes you’re asking for, and it sounds like you married someone who is more like another teenager you tend and manage than an equal partner. Maybe you can get through to him that that‘s how he‘s behaving. Maybe marriage counseling would help if you can access it. Unless he accepts that he’s treating you like a manager or his mother instead of an equal partner, he’s unlikely to change his approach much.
*When I’m visibly exhausted, tired, or sick he asks if I “need anything,” but if I say no in that moment, he continues with self involved plans (gaming or sleeping).*
*He said yeah if I can fix my communication issues and stop put my emotions on him to solve. I just wanted him to notice the things I do and take more initiative without me having to ask*.
I have no doubt that he could be doing a lot more just on own initiative, so NTA, but why on earth would you say “no” to the question of whether you need anything if you are exhausted?? That is when you should be saying “I need a nap” or “I need a long bath” and let him handle the baby for the next two hours or whatever.
I understand the desire to not have to ask, but there is a difference between someone obliviously going about their day without realizing you might need help, and someone actually asking but then being told “no”, and then going about their day without helping… You seem to want him to then go “oh, but I think you do” and do something for you and magically know what he should do.
If I notice somebody might need help and I ask them if they do, and they say “no”, I’m going to take them by their word. You can’t say “no” to that question and expect him to know what you need. So you are looking exhausted, but do you want him to handle the baby for a while so you can go relax for a bit, or do you actually want to spend some time with the baby right now and want him to take something else off your plate?
Would it be better if he did more on his own initiative? Of course. But you are declining offered help and then being resentful that he did not do something anyway. And he is getting resentful about you being annoyed at him even though, from his perspective, he would have helped if you had told him what you needed. That is a bad circle to be in, do yourself a favour and break it by using those offers instead of longing for him to turn into a mind reader.
You are NTA! You should not feel like the worst person when discussing emotions. Have a deep conversation with him and let him know what would help you. For some fellas, you need to spell it out. If he still doesn’t step up after you tell him what would help, that’s a large problem. I think communcation is the best fix for now. It can be frustrating when needs aren’t met under a lot of pressure however, I see you’re very busy.
NTA
You’re basically asking if you’re an AH for expecting your husband to also be a parent to his child.
He is benefiting off of your labor. He gets to game or sleep in, and you are the default parent. This is after going through the incredibly physically draining task of creating and birthing this child of course.
“He loves our child,” oh you mean for the easy stuff? Loving a child means actually parenting them, keeping them alive, changing their diapers, and staying on top of their medical care information. It means self-sacrifice, giving up on sleep and video games for bonding and care with that child.
He needs a serious come to Jesus moment. He is not pulling his weight, and you better be prepared to enforce this. Screw these commenters telling you to make task lists and tell him what to do; he presumably has mental faculties and the ability to check out a parenting book from the library.
Please check out the blog Liberating Motherhood by Zawn Villines. I think it would help open your eyes into the deep unfairness and exploitation baked into your husband’s current behavior.
I wish you and your baby the best, and that your husband promptly wakes up and realizes that he’s about to seriously harm his relationship with you both unless he changes his behavior immediately. You both deserve better.
NTA. But you need to sit him down and explain to him that he is equally responsible for the baby and the household and that he needs to be more proactive instead of just shifting the burden onto you to ask him constantly. That said, if he does ask if you need something and you do, tell him that. I am concerned that he is not taking the developmental delays seriously. Schedule an appointment with your pediatrician and bring him along and see if you can get the doctor in your corner on this issue. He may just be in denial.