My best friend of 11 years is engaged to a guy we will refer to as Brad. They have been together for two years and I’m not sure if this is important but the first year of their relationship she didn’t introduce him to her kids (6F & 3M) because she wanted to make sure he was serious about her. They are planning on moving in together in March. This year has been different because he’s been very involved in the children’s lives now. He takes the older one to and from school to everyday and the other one to daycare, he watches them sometimes so my friend and I can go have a girls lunch, they go out to eat with the kids a lot, takes them to the park and other normal things families do with kids.
I’ve noticed the past few months she seems to be depressed and she’s told me things are rough with them but has been vague until now. I asked her today if she was okay and that ive noticed she seemed down lately. What she said next really worried me. She said a few months ago they got a little tipsy while the kids were at their dad’s for the weekend and he said "Im sorry but I don’t love your kids anymore, I’ve really been trying but they are so badly behaved" and admitted he’s worried about living with him and scared he will be miserable. In my opinion her kids are a normal amount of bad, and I have two of my own. They’re just being young children. We often will spend the day at her place and we’ve gone on small vacations together so I’ve been around her children quite a bit for extended times.
After her confession I was furious and heartbroken for her. I told her that she should leave him because your kids *have* to come first. No picking a man over your children. She said I was being harsh and that he doesn’t treat them badly he just has seemed tuned out. He doesn’t really try and spend quality time with them. She wants to give him longer to work on his relationship with the kids but she said that nothing has changed thus far.
Am I the asshole for telling her to leave and being too harsh? Would you stay with a partner who doesn’t love you kids?
NTA – Perfect advice, this situation will only get worse and should they move in together, when her kids are older they will go LC/NC with her because they will have realised their mother allowed someone into their space who didn’t treat them well. She’s an AH for even considering anything but looking the opposite direction!!!
NTA. Honestly, you’re not being harsh—you’re being realistic. Kids deserve love and respect from the adults in their lives. If he openly admits he doesn’t love them, that’s a huge red flag. Giving him “more time” isn’t going to magically make him care. Your friend’s kids should always come first.
NTA ask your friend what happens when she has a kid with him and he shows favouritism towards his bio kid and ignores hers? Is she gonna be ok with putting him first over her own kids?
NTA even if your friend is not ready to walk away just yet, she should definitely pump the brakes on marriage for now
As a step parent, I’m telling you right now, your friend choosing to stay with him makes her the asshole in this situation. I couldn’t imagine loving my girl but not her kids. That is fucking sick
NTA. I get that your friend is upset and bummed out by his revelation. But she will be the biggest AH if she stays with this guy. There is no way that her kids won’t figure out that he doesn’t love or like them. They will know and it will HURT. She could very well lose her relationship with her kids when they get older if they find out she knew and stayed with this guy anyway and even married him after finding out.
Nope. Sometimes, we have to have uncomfortable conversations with the ones we love and you did just that. I’m not sure how some women’s vags dont shrivel up and become the Sahara desert when men treat their kids not so great, or say they dont love them.
NTA, but I would like to give a more nuanced take. You say a normal amount of bad. What does that even mean? Because I know a lot of parents with gremlins for children and I know parents with golden child syndrome and I know parents with the most polite children that rage at water being spilled. You say he does a lot for the kids. Do they listen to him or are they “you’re not my real dad?”. It’s very easy to checkout of relationships with children if you only have parent responsibilities but no parent rights.
NTA for telling her to leave, but your friend should do more than wait for them to grow on him. She is the one that needs to foster the relationship, with this partner or the next
NTA and you are right.
I think your friend is being unfair to everyone, the kids, Brad and to herself, by staying in this relationship. Brad already expressed that he can’t live a life with those kids but he still treats them well *for now* because he is a decent human being but resentment is going to build up for sure, and that’s going to make the atmosphere at home toxic for everyone. I’m not sure if Brad is telling your friend to choose between him and the kids, but he’s definitely saying, “This isn’t working.”
NTA. She should have left immediately after he made the comment and never looked back. I would never want my kids to be around somebody who actively dislikes them, especially somebody who spends so much time with them.
You’ve said your piece.
Then don’t bring it up any more.
Their relationship will die a natural death.
He does not want badly behaved kids.
Obviously the kids are not listening to him.
Maybe they think he’s a joke.
He can tell.
Can’t understand why is everybody assuming a bad treatment? The guy has admitted he doesn’t love kids (anymore? think rather he gave up trying to pretend, we know how exhausting the parenthood is, even to own offsprings) but to me it is OK just to be mother’s partner. There is nothing wrong being polite and agreeable to kids and still keep a distance and do not serve as a parent, drowning in kid-related chores. Step in at emergency – yes, for the sake of a beloved partner. Being a taxi-money pit-babysitter etc.. good luck looking for a guy like that with an immediate unconventional love to someone else’s kids, ready to step in at full. People with kids must compromise on this a lot, otherwise most will stay single for the rest of life. Everyone in here seems to throw the word “love” way too easy, painting things into black and white.
Your definitely not the AH but there is a lot you may not he considering.
Someone said you have to have hard conversations with the people you love. They meant you but we also have to look at it from his point of view.
They have been dating 2 years. 1 WHOKE year of which he was kept away from her kids and had nothing to do with them. Then the second year the guy needs credit where credit is due… this guy STEPS UP and for her and her kids. They have only been dating 2 years hes barely been with the kids a year but has done a great job trying and now hes opened up to her and told her a hard truth.
It doesn’t make him evil for saying he doesn’t seem to love them anymore which tells us he did have genuine affection for them at the beginning.
This guy is doing all the right things. And your friend is also right as well. Although saying he isnt trying to spend quality time with them added at the end like that os. Sus especially after admitting that this guy actually does spend a lot of time with them. He even takes them so you and her can hang out. Your friend is also right in sayong that there hasnt been enough time for him and the kids to learn to bond with eachother. I say learn because each kid is different and will bond differently. Hes trying and before it becomes too late hes telling your friend exactly how he feels and why. This is his future too and what may be “normal amount of bad kids” to you probably actually means hes right and they are horrible. Maybe some discipline will help them bond better.
But the reality is no one you start dating immediately falls in love with your kids. It doeant happen that way especially since hes barely known these kids a year is nothing and a 2 or relationship .. they barely begun their relationship.
What i find troubling is that your friend is with a great guy who isnt afraid to COMMUNICATE with her and express his feelings so they can work it out together. It probably took him A LOT of effort just to tell her that.
And now shes coming to you and you take a very normal issue between two people just starting a relationship and last it all over reddit.
You heard “he says he doesnt love my kids anynore” and you stopped listening to her after that. Because you are misguided into believing that love between a potential “second dad” and kids is something that happens immediately. Any real professional would see this as a normal start to a very new relationship involving kids and a new partner.
This kind of thing also makes it harder for men to open up with their feelings when they get demonized for it. Would you rather he pretended everything was going fine bonding with the kids and lie and say theres no issues that need to be dealt with? Issues here being that these kids could be contributing to making bonding harder by acting out, hitting, yelling, refusing to listen.
Your friends bf opened up to her because he actually cares abd wants it to work. Instead of pretending like a loser would until he found something better and then left her thinking everything was fine.
Again this is a normal issue and these are normal feelings people entering relationships with kids involve have. He opened up to her so that thwy could try abd work out the problems and ultimately making his bond with her and her kids stronger.
Yes her kids come first. But hes not abusing the kids, hes not abusing her. This just is all new to him and he probably doesnt know how he should feel or how to fix what he is feeling. All in all you described an amazing guy whose amazing to your friend and her kids. He just has a problem trying to develope stronger feelings again which is normal he needs time and her support so they can build the family bonds they a seem to want.
They should try to work through this together first. Get a professional who works with new family members and the children they will be apart of. Its obvious he wants things to work and is just afraid this is a big responsibility and he is doing a good job by letting her knkw instead of pretending otherwise.
You should support her and help see if you can help him ease the fears he obviously has about becoming a father to her kids! That’s a scary situation for anyone. Help know that you and your friend are there for him as well .. as long as he is putting the effort in and being a good parental figure to these kids your friend has nothing to worry about.
If none of that works and he still feels being with these kids are too much for him at least you know he will tell your friend that and they can end the relationship amicably. For many it takes years for a new parental figure and their partners children to develope real feelings for eachother. It doesnt happen right away because of fears, for both the new potential parent and the children, like what if they will never treat me like family or what if something happens and they leave us.. etc.
Before seeing this in black and white saying hes bad and should go. Do some research on this first. What he already does for those kids AND HER is rare these days. It wouldnt be fair to your friend and her children to demand she gets rid of a great potential mate without first trying to get to the root of the problem and working on it together.
Also if she sees what I see and you insist on trying to push her away from a gold man over some problems that can be fixed it could back fire and ruin your friendship.
She obviously wants support, not to be told to get rid of a man whose trying because some fears are settling in on him.
Sounds like the guy has been thrust straight into a full time before and after school career job with two kids that he didn’t even know existed – that would probably make a lot of people to have second thoughts. As a step parent it would make discipline even harder.