I (26f) got invited to my grandmother’s 83rd birthday dinner at a Mexican restaurant. This is my grandmother from my mother’s side of the family.
I have an aunt (50f) from my father’s side who also got invited. Her and I have some problems, but I thought we were going to set aside our differences and be civil for this dinner.
When my aunt first got into the restaurant, she instantly took my cousin’s drink (they are not related and this was this first time they have ever met each other) and took a sip from it. Then she wanted to take a sip from my drink and I told her that I don’t share drinks (which is something I don’t ever like to do anyone). Afterwards, my aunt got upset, saying that all of us are family and that we should share drinks with each other. I ignored her and took the straw from my cousin’s drink because he wasn’t aware that someone else took a sip from it. My aunt found out I did this and made a comment about how alcohol naturally kills germs in straws. Then she proceeded to take a sip of everyone’s drink at the table to prove a point I guess.
I started to get progressively more irritated with her as the night went on. My aunt was making snide comments to my relatives about how I was unemployed (currently looking for a job) and how I am not going to meet a man who wants to be with me (because I am in my mid-twenties). She says that I am wasting my youth and that it was embarrassing for me to live with my parents rent free at this age. For context, my aunt is single and lives rent free in a nice studio apartment because her own mother (who happens to be my grandmother from my father’s side) pays for it!
At this point, I asked her to repeat what she had to say about me. She gave me the dirtiest look and I kept asking her to repeat herself. Everyone at the table was telling me to shut up and to not pay attention to her, but then out nowhere she called me a fucking loser. I told her to go fuck herself, and I got escorted out of the restaurant by my mother who told me I was out of line.
When we got home, everyone told me that I should be mindful that it was my grandmother’s birthday. That I should have swallowed my pride and not engage in this kind of argument. They kept saying that it was beneath me to stoop to her level. Despite this, my aunt and I got into another argument. I called her a fifty year old loser, and she called me a spoiled brat. We started yelling at each other and this prompted my grandmother to start crying.
My whole family is blaming me for ruining my grandmother’s birthday dinner. I apologized to my family, but I didn’t apologize to my aunt.
AITA for arguing with my aunt in the first place?
honestly your aunt sounds exhausting. the drink thing alone is already so weird and crossing boundaries, and then she went personal for no reason. i get why your family says “ignore her” because it was your grandma’s birthday, but at the same time it’s hard to stay quiet when someone keeps poking you. i don’t think you started it, but yeah it escalated badly. feels like everyone’s blaming you because you reacted, not because she was being nasty first. has she always been like this or was this just extra that night?
Tell your family to fuck right off.
NTA
Poor Grandma. Why was your aunt even invited there, she’s not even related to the Grandma, lol. NTA how dare she talk like that to you and infront of people she doesn’t even know? She was out of the line.
I’m going to say YTA.
You know your aunt is this person and you shouldn’t engage, that she was going to just pick and pick and pick on you and at you, but you just fell straight into her trap.
Instead of ignoring her, you matched her energy and became her.
Do you honestly think that anyone at that table was like, “Oh, that silly woman is so funny!” No, they all saw what was happening.
I get it, younger generations are being taught that you should say what you mean and it’s just “standing up for yourself” and it’s a “shiny new spine,” but there’s a time and a place for that.
Your grandmother’s 86th birthday was ruined and you made her cry. She’s 86-years old. Think about the implications of that that I don’t want to type out.
Sometimes, we swallow our pride for the greater good and “take the fight outside”—i.e. find a different time and place to address her.
Calling names and yelling… there were only 2 people doing that this night, and one was an aunt that no one likes. The other was…?
I do feel like I fell into her trap. I took the bait and got burned for it badly. This dinner shouldn’t have been about me, it was supposed to have been about celebrating my grandmother. Moving forward, I will need to control how I react to people. Thank you for your perspective on this.
ESH – Your aunt sounds like a nasty piece of work and it seems like she came looking for a fight even though she’s a grown woman, however it seems like you were both goading each other, it was evident that it would escalate and you didn’t back down (I wouldn’t have either but for the purpose of the judgement). Your family sucks because they seem biased and have the “you know how she is” or “you should have been the bigger person” attitude.
I do feel as if when it comes to me, I am expected to be the bigger person all the time within my family. I guess I just snapped during dinner. It irritated me how no one seemed to have my back. I was the one that was told to shut up instead. It was really frustrating.
Yes your mother frustrated me in this, she should have scolded both of you and just told you BOTH to shutup, I don’t like how no one had your back, sending hugs xx
ESH. You weren’t the AH when you asked her to repeat herself. You were after you were escorted out and then continued to argue.
The people asking you not to react should have been telling your aunt to stop talking about you long before. If they didn’t want a scene they should have asked her to stop and then asked her to leave if she refused.
There’s a time and place for things like this. I don’t think you’re an asshole for standing up for yourself against your aunt. Your aunt had no right to do what she did to you at the party. Your family should’ve done more to defend you against her.
Arguing with her at the party in front of everyone else wasn’t the best thing to do but in the heat of the moment shit goes down naturally. Emotions run high and we tend to do the first thing that comes to the mind. You hit your boiling point and snapped out of retaliation for what she started. I don’t think you’re an asshole for that, I think you’re a human being who thought in the moment that was the best way to handle the situation.
I’m sure you’ve thought about that night a lot, maybe even thought about what you could’ve done differently. Or maybe you would’ve handled it the same way anyway. The only thing I would’ve done differently was either one, taken the aunt outside and ripped her ass six ways from Sunday for humiliating you like she did (I would’ve done this personally). Two, stepped outside, taken some deep breaths, go back and ignore her the rest of the night. Or three, say goodbye to everyone and go home for the night and tell a few relatives (but only if you feel close enought to them to confide in them) you weren’t going to stand there and take her shit. It’s good that you apologized to your other family members at least, but again they should’ve done more to defend you instead of immediately take your aunts side. I’m not sure why older adults are so blind to wronging younger adults.
I’m sorry your aunt stirred the pot because she wasn’t courteous enough to respect your boundary of not wanting to share your drink. Your boundaries matter and if people can’t respect simple requests such as that they’re not worth the time. She doesn’t have any respect for you from the sounds of it, and if you don’t have much respect for her in return cutting her out of the picture sounds like the best option for the long term.
you had an itch, you scratched it well. confronting at gg ma’s bd. faux pa, you saw it and apologized. \[your aunt\] hate is a weight on your spirit, flush it away. its not an apology its relief. yta for where be well.
Maybe OP’s family was trying to talk to OP because OP’s aunt is too far gone to be saved. I wouldn’t have let her have my drink either. Don’t worry about it too much. OP’s grandma was probably crying because she sese how that she failed her daughter from becoming a productive member of society. Since ya’ll are related, I would be worried about going down the same path as her. So, OP, listen to your family and try to not be like her.
With that said, I probably would have called her a mooch. Next time you see her treat her like a 3 year old. “No honey, we don’t push ourselves on others for a sip of their drink. If you want, I’ll get you your own drink.” And then order her a Shirley Temple in a kids glass. OP’s aunt is fifty and still living off of her parents, which is ironic and hypocritical that she pointed out with OP (OP still lives at home)., My guess is that she is sensitive to that fact. This is the subject that I would lean into next time I would see her, but in a very nice and condensing way. But don’t be mean, just condescending, like a child that doesn’t know any better and can’t help it. If this sort of thing excites you to try out, then call her up and apologize for how you acted. That will speed up the time the next time you see her because she is going to avoid you for a while.
But most of all, call your Grandma and apologize. Not because you are wrong but because it hurt your Nanna., She is the real victim in all of this and probably had to pay for dinner too. Better yet bake, not buy, her a cake.
There are three types of thinking an adult goes through in life. 1st is “I’m grown and I do what I want”. 2nd is “Try not to make any waves, go along to get along”. And finally, “Do it because it is the right thing to do”. Now OPs aunt is stuck in #1. Your parents are in the #2 phase (middle age). And OP seems to have a good head on shoulders and going straight to the final stage usually pisses people off in the 1st and sometimes 2nd stage, especially if #3 is not in a position of authority.
So lean into the treating her like a child. She’ll hate it and try to lash out to get a rise out of you.So don’t fall for it. Be patient, smile, & dig into her when you try to explain things to her like she is a retarted step child wanting to get into the knife drawer.
ESH, but she would’ve been wearing every drink she touched, and I would’ve called her a broke B for not being able to order her own drink. Some nerve talking crap about you. She should’ve been escorted out first. Your family sucks for allowing this.