I (26M) have been with my girlfriend (25F) for a little over two years and we’ve lived together for about one. Overall things are good, but we keep having the same argument and I need outside opinions because I feel like I’m going crazy.
When we moved in together, we agreed on a pretty clear split of responsibilities. At the time, I was working full-time in person, and she was finishing school while working part-time. Because I was gone most of the day, she took on more of the house stuff, and I handled rent, most bills, and bigger expenses. This wasn’t forced, it was a mutual decision.
After she graduated, she got a full-time job. It’s hybrid, so she works from home a few days a week. I’m still fully in-person. Since then, she’s been saying she feels overwhelmed and that the original arrangement doesn’t feel fair anymore.
The thing is… nothing about what I’m doing has changed. I still work the same hours, commute, and pay the same bills. I still help around the house when I get home, but I don’t think it makes sense to completely redo everything just because her schedule changed.
She says that being home doesn’t mean she has “free time” and that working full-time plus doing most of the house stuff is draining. I get that work is tiring, but I also feel like if you’re physically in the space more, it’s normal to naturally handle more of it. Dishes pile up during the day. Laundry runs during the day. That’s just reality.
What really bothered me is that she said I “don’t value her labor,” which I think is unfair and honestly dramatic. I’ve always acknowledged what she does. I just don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect someone who’s home more to pick up more slack.
She wants us to fully split chores 50/50 now, regardless of time at home. I told her that doesn’t feel equal to me, because I’d be doing the same amount of housework while also being gone all day and still paying more financially.
Now she’s saying I’m the one who’s being stubborn and unreasonable. From my perspective, I’m just trying to keep things consistent. I don’t think agreements should constantly change based on feelings.
She’s been distant, and told me she doesn’t want this to be her life long-term. That feels extreme to me over chores.
So… AITA for thinking the original split still makes sense?
YTA – she’s working 2 full time jobs at this point, you can’t expect her to work 40 hours and then clean an entire house. That being said, if she wants 50/50 on chores.. you can ask for 50/50 on finances.
If you are both working full time then you should each be responsible for 50% of the household chores and you should each be responsible for expenses proportional to your income. If you are making similar amounts then the expenses should be 50/50. If one of you makes more, then the expenses should be proportional. If one of you makes 70% of the income then that person should pay 70% of the expenses.
YTA. Do you even like her? She’s telling you she’s stressed and needs your help, but you’re just stuck on the fact that she’s home more so she should just take care of it.
You’re partners right? You’re supposed to help each other. Maybe 50/50 isn’t the right split, but you guys should sit down and figure out a way to restructure.
Work is work, whether you’re in office or from home! Split the housework and split the bills. Reality is laundry can run at night as well as the dishes. YTA
YTA
> nothing about what I’m doing has changed.
So, the fact that *her* circumstances have changed makes 0 difference to you.
Right now you both work full time, so yes, chores should be 50/50.
> I’m just trying to keep things consistent.
Nope. Your an AH who wants to keep things easier for yourself with no regard to how this affects the person you purport to love.
DO BETTER.
If her situation has changed then *the* situation has changed. And she’s telling you she’s overwhelmed. It’s not a proposed change based on feelings, but based on the fact that *the situation has changed*.
YTA 100%. Renegotiate.
YTA- champ, you’re about to be doing 100% of the chores and 100% of the bills
Lmao exactly what I was thinking! “Doesn’t want this to be her life long-term”
OP, she’s gunna leave.
YTA.
This isn’t changing an agreement based on feelings, it’s changing an agreement based on circumstance. If she is expected to work from 9-5 at home, that’s not “you’re at home, you can also do chores during those hours”. Those are work hours.
When I WFH, I am not doing chores, errands, or other things – I am actively working. Just at my desk at home, rather than my desk at work. If someone I work with (who is also WFH) is doing chores when they’re doing a task I need them to do, doing laundry when I need to reach them for a time sensitive call, or slow on something because they are doing dishes, I’d be annoyed and find them unprofessional. Your expectation that your GF can manage home-chores while she’s at home on the work clock is *not* appropriate.
I think it is time to revisit your agreement: the financial component is also at play. Since she’s now working full-time, maybe it’s set up that you split the financial elements evenly *and* the chores evenly.
You are basically telling her “we aren’t changing anything because my circumstances haven’t changed (IDGAF about your circumstances changing)”. That’s not partner material. You are unilaterally shutting her down. I’d be ticked off and distant about this too.
Is her new hybrid job being a housekeeper? Is her employer paying her to do chores? Or are you just stupid? If she’s got a job she has to do the work in spite of location. Either hire a housekeeper or shut up and do half
YTA,
If you didn’t have a girlfriend you would still have to work full time, commute, do all the house chores, and pay the bill, etc. all by yourself. So that level of commitment to your life is all part of the “bare minimum”. And you’d have to do it around your work schedule and commute.
If she was lounging around not contributing, that would be one thing. But she’s not. She’s working. A shorter commute doesn’t make it any less of a work day.
If she wants 50/50 chores then you have every right to ask for 50/50 bills. But you don’t get to hold the bills against her and then demand she do more just because her office is at home.
Nothing about what YOU do has changed, but a LOT about what SHE does has changed. THis isn’t about feelings! This is about time. She is now working full time. She does not have time to do dishes and laundry *while she is working full time.*
Laundry and dishes do not have to be done during the day. They can be done in the evenings or on weekends. By you.
Since you are now both working full time, you should now be splitting the housekeeping evenly–you both should have the SAME amount of free time. Right now, she’s spending more of her free time with housekeeping while you have the same amount of free time you had before.
Step up, dude. Or you’ll lose her and rightly so. You’re a walking red flag right now. Turn it around.
YTA
“*She’s been distant, and told me she doesn’t want this to be her life long-term. That feels extreme to me over chores.”*
Sure, it feels extreme to *you*, you’re not the one doing the chores! Sir, she is telling you something, very clearly, and you need to listen if you want this relationship to survive.
YTA
I don’t think this was EVER fair to her tbh. If she was working part time *and* in school, I don’t see how she had any more free time than you did.
Either way, she’s working full time now. The fact that she’s at home and you’re in office might justify a *slight* discrepancy in chores allocation, but it kind of sounds like she’s doing everything.
Also it sounds like you DONT value her labor!! You’re *expecting* her to take on the house stuff, instead of appreciating her for it and doing your share to make things easier on her.
I don’t blame her for deciding she doesn’t want to sign up for this for the rest of her life.
If they’re “just chores” then freaking DO SOME OF THEM. YTA