Posting on a new account since my friends follow me on my main!! I (18F) have a friend who I’ll call Leah (18F), who I’ve known since middle school. We’re in the same friend group and usually get along, but this situation has been bothering me for a while and I’m not sure if I handled it wrong.
Leah has always been a “maybe” person. Almost every plan gets an “I’ll let you know later” instead of a clear yes or no. Sometimes she agrees and then cancels last minute, and sometimes she just doesn’t reply at all. Usually it’s because she didn’t plan ahead and isn’t sure if she can go, which I understand, so for a long time I didn’t say anything.
I have talked to her about it a couple times. I told her that the uncertainty stresses me out and makes planning hard, especially since I’m usually the one organizing group hangouts and making reservations. She said she understood and would work on it, but the same pattern kept happening.
There was one situation that really bothered me. We had a reservation at a nicer restaurant that had a no-show fee per person. She said she was coming, didn’t show up, and I had to cover her fee, which was about $20. She never paid me back. I’m not upset about the money itself since I have a part-time job and make more than she does, so I didn’t chase her for it, but it was more about the principle.
After that, I started feeling like I was always the one checking in, following up, or basically begging her to confirm plans. So I stopped doing that. I didn’t cut her out completely. If it’s a bigger group plan, I still send it in the group chat so everyone is included. I just stopped texting her individually to chase an answer or reassure her.
A few weeks ago, I made dinner plans with two other friends and didn’t invite her. I wasn’t trying to start an issue, I just wanted something casual and low-stress.
She saw it on Instagram and messaged me asking why she wasn’t invited (usually when I hangout with these two people I invite her as well since we all went to the same high school). I explained honestly that the constant “maybe” thing has been hard for me and that I didn’t want to keep planning around uncertainty. I told her it wasn’t meant to be personal.
She was really hurt and said I should’ve talked to her instead of changing how I treated her. From her perspective, it feels like I was punishing her for something I already knew she struggles with.
This is where I’m conflicted. I do feel bad because I understand why being left out would hurt. At the same time, I feel like I did try to talk to her and nothing really changed. I didn’t tell anyone not to invite her or talk badly about her. I just stopped putting in extra effort that was stressing me out.
Some mutual friends think I should apologize to keep the peace, but I’m not sure what I’d even be apologizing for. I’m not angry at her, I just adjusted how I make plans.
AITA?
NTA. My experience with maybe people is that they don’t want to commit to things because they hope something better comes along, but they only do this to their “B” friends.
That’s what my friend does, and she wonders why she doesn’t get asked out anymore.
NTA. I have a “three strikes” rule when it comes to friends flaking out last-minute. After three times bailing with less than 24 hours notice… I simply don’t structure time-or-money sensitive plans around them. If they want to host? Amazing, I’ll be there! If it’s a large group thing where no one is putting down money for reservations, sure, come along! But if people want to be not dependable, I’m not going to depend on them.
NTA we had a friend who is like the she says yes but then goes off somewhere else if she had a better offer or was double booked. We now have a set date once a month and it’s up to her to come or not. You could try something similar but not worth the stress of not knowing if she is coming especially when you have to pay for no shows.
NTA
NTA. If you’re the one making the plans, make them to suit you (whilst considering others). You did talk to her, nothing changed and rather than make it a big thing, you made other plans quietly instead of telling her what you were doing. No apology from you needed unless she apologise first and you’re feeling magnanimous to give one in return.
NTA.
This is a consequence of her behavior. If people can’t count on her to commit and show, then they’ll stop inviting. I suspect you’re not the only person who has shrugged and stopped inviting her to events.
Sure, she struggles with it. That’s a her issue and not a you issue. As I often told my children over the years, the diagnosis may explain issues, yet it never excuses bad behavior. If you behave badly, expect people to respond negatively.
NTA, I’d tell her you paid 20 because she changed her mind and you can’t plan because she won’t commit so she isn’t included unless she agrees to give a yes or no and then follow through.
NTA. If there are no consequences for her actions (or inactions) she’d never learn or change her behaviors. You’re doing her a favor in the bigger scheme of life.
You did nothing wrong. This should be a lesson to her. She doesn’t respect your friendship or your time, and she doesn’t reciprocate to the same degree you do as a friend. She expects others to do the work for her in organising social events, then she doesn’t show up anyway. That’s not how a friend behaves.
NTA, and she’s not empathetic for constantly ignoring your feelings.
NTA you handled it the write way. However if you want to keep the peace, i recommend for future group plans give people a deadline and say let me know by X time otherwise Im presuming you can’t come, and anything that requires money upfront, as in advance and if people don’t pay dont cover for them before hand
NTA you have spoken to her multiple times. This is the consequences for her actions.
NTA. Don’t apologize, anytime you invite her for something if she gives you the i dont know crap just tell her I’ll take that as a no, you can let me know later if you decide to come. If the group plans something that involves buying tickets, she needs to pay you up front for hers. If she’s not sure, again, that’s a no and you’ll need to get your own ticket if you change your mind. Go ahead and plan some get togethers without her. I dont mean to sound mean but if she has a mental problem about making plans its not your problem to fix her. You already do everything you can to help her.