im f14, and im not really the type of person who likes spending a lot of time with my family. I strongly prefer being alone in my room and doing my own things.
For example, on a normal school day I’m in school from around 8 to 15. When I come home, I go straight to my room and lock myself (literally) in there. I stay there for the rest of the day. The only times I leave are to go get something to eat.
I’m not saying I don’t communicate with my family at all, but it’s very minimal.
With my dad, it’s mostly practical stuff.
I might call him during the day to ask him to get me something from the store (like a drink) or ask what we’re having for dinner. That’s pretty much it.
With my mom, I don’t ever really call her during the day. We just exchange a few words when we pass each other in the house.
The thing that bothers me is that I can clearly see she’s trying to be more involved in my life. She often knocks on my door and says things like “What are you doing?” or “Come out of your room a bit,” in the most gentle and kind way. Sometimes she’ll say, “I just want to see you” or “I want to talk to you.”
And my response is like “Why?”
Then she says something like, “I just want to spend time with you.”
and usually I dont come out of the room …
That’s the part that makes me feel a little guilty. Not extremely guilty, because if I did I’d probably go out of my room more. But it still makes me feel kind of bad. I know she’s my mom and she just wants to be close to me, and I can tell she misses me or wants to be part of my life more.
But the truth is, I just don’t have the interest.
I just wanna sit in my room. I feel most comfortable alone when im home. I don’t feel the need to talk, hang out, or share things with my family.
What’s confusing is that this is only with my family. With friends, I’m totally different. I have a lot of friends, I talk to them a lot, and I enjoy socializing with them. I don’t isolate myself from them at all. It’s specifically my family where I feel zero motivation to interact.
So it’s not that I hate my family or that they’re abusive or anything like that. I just don’t feel drawn to them socially. I don’t crave conversation or time with them the way I do with friends.
I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings, but I also don’t want to force myself to interact when I don’t want to.
Am I the asshole for being like this?
NAH but maybe spend less social energy on your friends and more with your mom
If you’ve got a good family that loves you you might regret this when someone’s gone
I don’t think anyone’s the asshole. You’re in a stage of life where you want independence and to have your own space. That’s fine. Your mom also loves you and is missing having you around to talk to. That’s fair also, you’re only a few years away from moving out and leaving if you’d like. Is there a way you guys can have tea before bed some nights? You’d come out, you guys would get to chat and if you both know ahead of time it should be easy to do.
I was you at your age and now that I’m older I wish I had a closer bond with my mom. I understand where you’re coming from but I think it would be a good gesture to show your mom that while you like your privacy you still love her. As you become an adult life is full of stuff you don’t want to do but still have to so this could be good practice. NAH
I’m leaning NAH. It’s only natural for your family to want to spend time with you and socialise. It’s also not healthy to shut your self away in your room. You’re not doing anything wrong either.
Is there a reason why you feel more open and relaxed around your friends compared to your family? Could this maybe be stemming from depression, anxiety or some other mental health issues?
Gentle YTA. (Don’t really think you’re an asshole but should you adjust your behavior a little, yes.) It’s not all or nothing — you can still spend most of your time in your room but at least make an effort to come out and spend time with them occasionally.
Mom here! It sounds like your mom is worried about you. Kids who isolate tend to be depressed and that’s scary for parents. Try to let her know that you’re okay or simply talk about why you don’t want to hang out. It’s okay to be honest with your parents. They love you and just want you to be okay. It’s all we ever want for our kids. ❤️
NTA but in the future you might come to realize that YTA
I felt exactly this way when I was your age. Now at 37, my mom is no longer here, and I wish I had spent that time with her when I had the chance.
You’re 14. I get what it feels like. You probably think you know everything. Your chosen family, aka. your friends, seem to ‘get’ you. Your actual family doesn’t. But if I’m being honest, these friends you have now at your age are not going to be there 20 years from now. Maybe not even 10 years from now. Some not even a year from now. Family will always be there, even if we don’t get along with them, but as you get older you are going to appreciate them more. I wish I had learned that sooner.
It would crush me as a mom if my kids were like this. Unless they are abusive, yes put some effort into interacting with the people providing you a safe comfortable place to live. Learn that life isn’t all about your feelings, feel for the parents that wanted a child to love and they have you sitting in their house but not being part of their lives. See your parents as people, they need love and attention too, not just your friends.
Hmm, gentle YTA. We’ve all been 14 and parents aren’t the vibe. You don’t need to become BFFs with your mom and tell her everything about your life, but unless you have some (herein unshared) reason you’re avoiding them I think even 20-30 mins a day would make them stop asking, and you would stop wondering. “I just don’t feel like it” is not really a reason to only speak to your dad to ask him to bring you something from the store and not talk to your mom at all. We don’t owe our parents automatic respect, but if they haven’t done anything to break your trust, you could make the slightest of efforts to tell them how your day was.
Ok. So. This may end up quite long winded and I do apologize for that ahead of time. But im f26 and this is the best “big sister” advice I can give with this. Because I was the same way. I wasnt overly social in general, but much preferred the quiet of my own room than sitting in the living room with them.
Spend time with your mom. If home life is safe and not abusive or chaotic out of the norm. Spend time with them. Even if its just for an hour a day. And you can tell her something like “hey mom, I know you have been wanting to spend more time together and i would like to as well. But I feel more comfortable when I have some alone time each day to recharge. Can we set some time in the evening for us to hang out or maybe play a family board game or something?” You can set boundaries with your parents. But relationships are give and take. So sometimes you do things you dont really want to do for the people you live because you know it makes them happy.
YTA. While it’s not uncommon at your age to want to be more independent and be with your friends you need to understand that your mom is probably worried about you. She’s a person with feelings and you haven’t mentioned any abuse or anything so I’m assuming she’s a good mom. Make the effort to spend some time with her.
YTA. Sometimes we do stuff we don’t really want to for the people we love.
Yta. You only get 1 mum and a short childhood. If they’ve raised you decently and you don’t need to seclude yourself for safety reasons then take a miniscule amount of effort and spend some time with her.
Many people develop empathy as they age and if you do you will feel miserable for how you’ve treated her.
Are you leaving out some info? Is she overly critical or particularly bigoted? If not I don’t understand what she did to deserve this
Imagine her holding you as a newborn, overwhelmed with love and dedication, thinking of how your personality would grow and all the things you could do together. Only to get this…
You’re ta for how you talk to your parents.
“I just want to see you” or “I just want to talk to you..” and you respond with “why?” That’s just rude. She’s your mom, she raised you, birthed you, and has been constantly worried about you for your entire life. Because that’s what good moms do.
She’s just a girl too (your mom), and you’re her baby. Just being around you is enough for her I’m sure. It is so hard to just sit on your phone next to her while she watches a show? It’s not like you have to tell her everything.