I (14F) and my boyfriend (16M) have been together since I was 13 and he was 14. We met on discord, where this all takes place. In November, I met a group of people in my discord server (13 – 17 yrs old) and we became pretty good friends and made our own friend group. Anyways, I got really close with these people, and my boyfriend and I went through a rough patch in our relationship, and I would vent to my friends. They would offer support and everything seemed perfectly fine.
About a week ago, my friend who we will call Ken (15M) sent a long message about how my boyfriend is ‘grooming’ me and ‘abusive’. It was completely random and made zero sense considering my boyfriend isn’t even close to those things. The whole group backed him up and I ignored the message.
Later that day the youngest one in our group chat (13M) we will call him Banana, sent a message into the hot takes channel of my discord server. “Hot take: 2 year age gaps are disgusting” I was pretty upset that Banana brought this up publicslly so I responded saying that he was 13 and doesn’t really understand what he’s talking about. That upset the whole group and we got into a 2 hour argument where every other message was them saying I was being groomed. It really pissed me off and I sent my bf everything.
It was completely chill for about 4 days until someone in my discord mentioned them being in a 2 year age gap (16 and 18) (note: my friends moderate my discord server) and someone said it was okay, and my friends BANNED that person. I was very upset and told Ken he abused his power by banning someone for their opinion. Ken argued back saying that they were “justifying creeps”
A couple days ago they brought it up again in the gc (the one my bf is apart of) and he went off on them, and they pretty much just insulted him. I was perfectly fine with my bf doing this and I defended him over them. My friends were rather upset and now I feel like a total asshole for letting my bf yell at them. I’m pretty split, I know they’re completely misusing terms, but maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh. My friends are young so I’m not sure what I should do. AITA?
EDIT 1: since some were wondering, my and my bf are both in 10th grade. Neither of the people mentioned are attracted to women. And my bday is in August while my bfs is in December
NTA, good on you for defending your boyfriend. I feel like we’re missing something here though….maybe one or more boy members of that group have feelings for you?
Hopefully you’ve learned your lesson about venting your relationship issues to other people though. Just talk to your guy!
Maybe just get better friends?
NTA. Your friends suck. Get better friends.
INFO: Are you 2 years apart in school? How far apart in months?
It sounds like maybe you’re 1 year 4 months apart in age but that’s means for a few months your rounded off ages are 2 years apart. If that’s the case, your friends are overreacting on that.
If you’re 2 years apart in school, that is a big gap at your age, and even more so when you met. 2 years will be trivial by the time you’re in your mid 20s, but that’s a lot more life experience when you’re only 14.
I’m glad your friends are trying to watch out for age/power imbalances. But simply banning someone for being in a 2 year age gap relationship as a teen is overreacting. If there was more said or they know something else about that person, it may have been reasonable.
Whether your friend who messaged you about your boyfriend was unreasonable, it’s tough to tell. It’s very common for people who are in a relationship with an uneven power dynamic and being overly controlled by their older partner to not realize it. It’s usually their friends and family who notice the red flags first. Re -read that message and really think about each thing your friend said about your boyfriend and try to see it from their point of view. Maybe they’re a little bit right?
Btw – The first thing abusers do is try to separate their girlfriends from her friends and family. If she doesn’t have a strong support network, she’s less likely to leave him when he quits acting loving and starts acting toxic. A common method is to complain that her friends don’t like him and aren’t fair and encourage her to take his side and cut off her friends.
I’m worried that might be happening here.
Me and my boyfriend are both in 10th grade. My birthday is in August his is at the end of December.
NTA but you mention that you’re friend banana is only 13 and at the end of you’re post you say that your friends are young, please don’t forget that you yourself are young as well 🙂 Hopefully you can sort it out with your friends, or find new and better friends!
This person has ulterior motives. They learned some therapy speak but don’t know what it means.
I think whoever started this did it because they are a child who cant communicate. They like you(or him), cant have you, and so they have to try to break you up.
NTA
Advice for the future – try to limit how much negative things you tell to your friends, do not vent. If you need advice and support, try to limit it to more personal conversations. People tend to hang onto this type of thing and will have a very negative opinion about your partner. Relationships are very intimate and complicated, if you find yourself venting to people about small disagreements and worse moments they might hang on to them without knowing the good parts.
I do not mean to not seek help if ever you fear you’re being mistreated or abused.
Teenagers are ruthless, they will hang on to drama like bees to honey.
Is there any reason they’d think you’re being groomed tho? Worries me a bit that’s where their minds went to, even if they are going a very wrong way about it.
NTA. Sounds like you met a group of “puriteens.” I would suggest disengaging from them entirely, it’s possible they’ll change their views on this but I wouldn’t bet on that happening anytime soon. Hopefully someday they’ll think back to this and feel embarrassed.
NTA. Your friends are young and online a lot, and this reads like internet buzzwords being taken too far without nuance.
i think you’re forgetting that you’re all very young, the age gap isn’t too big of a deal but you have to think about it in a legal sense. your boyfriend is old enough to consent and you aren’t. that’s probably what your friends are worried about. another thing is have you met any of these people in person? it seems like purely discord based relationships which ultimately and unfortunately are not healthy.
my advice would be to talk to your friends one on one and ask exactly what it is that makes them think what they do.