For some context my friend had invited me and a couple of her other friends (who I don’t know and have never met) to her birthday which she was going to be celebrating February 13th. Her and her friends often do illicit drugs together I however do not agree with this and do not participate.
When I found that out I felt uncomfortable about going to her birthday as I knew that they enjoyed doing this before and during nights out, my friend knows that I do not agree with this but over time has tried to encourage me to which I have refused and told her my boundaries. As I knew I would have been uncomfortable being around this especially with people I don’t know I decided not to go but instead of telling her everything I’ve just said I told her that my boyfriend had surprised me with a weekend away as it is valentines that weekend so I wouldn’t be able to go anymore, I thought that she might be less upset about this excuse than the latter..
She ended up being furious and accused me of choosing my boyfriend over her even though if this hypothetical situation were real it would not have been my fault as he planned it without my knowledge and I’m not gonna ask the man to cancel and waste his money. So I thought I was sparing her feelings but it turns out now I’m just a girl who chooses her boyfriend over her friends. Am I the asshole?
YTA-you lied. From your description it doesn’t even sound like she’s your friend.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to be around people doing illegal drugs, either.
And if I couldn’t say “I don’t want to be around hard drugs,” I’d absolutely make up something.
INFO: Why did you lie? Why not say “I don’t like hanging out with you when your taking drugs?”
ESH. Why did you lie? She also sucks for getting upset at you for that.
In your position, I would have gone to the birthday, arrive early to be the first one there, then leave early before the drugs come out. If you were the first one there, its usually forgiveable to be the first one to leave too.
YTA for lying instead of being honest.
“Thanks for inviting me but I’m not a fan of doing substances and it wouldn’t be fun for anyone having me there.”
Edit to add: The real issue with your lie is it sets you up to lie every time she asks you to do things like this.
YTA That’s the problem with telling lies, they enmesh you . Have the courage of your convictions and tell her the truth. It shouldn’t be a surprise to her , as you say you have not hidden your true feelings re drugs from her.
Try not be be sanctimonious or preachy about it, just reiterate it’s not for you.
YTA. Just tell the truth.
Write back and tell her you regret lying and you should have been honest, but the real reason is that you feel uncomfortable about the drugs. It’s her birthday and you don’t except everyone to accommodate you, so you tried to soften the blow, but now realise lying was a bad idea.
You didn’t need to lie, so if that’s your question than sure I guess you’re the ass, but you should ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who does things you don’t agree with, and who would prefer to encourage you to do those things anyway. And who also thinks that her birthday is more important than valentines days (in the world where she doesn’t actually know it’s a lie?).
Personally I’d be ditching this friend because it seems you guys are growing in different directions. No need to lie to do that
Oh what a tangled web we weave….
YTA for lying and not communicating why you didn’t want to go. Friend is ta because she keeps pressuring you to do things you’re uncomfortable with.
I’d consider the friendship and if that’s someone you’d like to continue being friends with. I don’t tend to want to be around me who pressure me to do things I’ve already stated I’m not comfortable with.
A good boundary might be “I’m not going to come to events where these substances are being used”
Going forward you don’t need to lie. “I’m not able to make it but thanks for the invitation” or “That doesn’t work for me but thanks for including me” will suffice.
YTA. Honey, you can’t have healthy relationships and be avoidant at the same time. That pushes you into either lying or not seeing the person to avoid the problem (or both). You have to let some conflicts happen. Tell her that you’re not comfortable being out with people you don’t know when they’re using drugs. Tell her that you particularly do not like her trying to get you to join in. As such, you don’t want to go out with her and her other friends, but you’d love to find another way to celebrate her birthday with her.