So I, 19m have a biological mother who has been out of my life for most of it. She wasn’t really around when I was growing up, and the people who actually raised me are the ones I consider my real family.
Even during the handful of times I did go to stay with her when I was a kid she was pretty much always asleep and/or ignored me.
She was always in and out of jail for drugs or whatever else and took advantage of a lot of people. Especially my biological grandma who would always take care of whatever mess she got into and pretty much raised my half siblings. She even took advantage of me by taking a laptop I had when I was a kid and selling it. My grandma passed away a few years ago and even tho my bio mother was out of jail, she didn’t even go to the funeral.
It seems everyone else in my family has forgiven her and moved on, but I haven’t and never will and I’m firm on that. In my eyes, she doesn’t get to just dip for 20 years and expect to have a relationship with me, be at my future wedding or meet any future kids I may have.
She’s had almost 2 decades to make things right and apologize, but she never did. Even in the few interactions we had since she got out of jail a few months ago she just tries to talk to me like nothing happened and I just ignore her.
My birthday party is in a few weeks on Super Bowl Sunday and I just want my closest family and friends there to hang out and watch the game and I invited one of my brothers to come spend that weekend with me and be at the party. (For context my bio mother had 7 kids, each with different fathers and the brother I invited is about a year and a half younger than me and the only one of them who isn’t a dick)
My adoptive mom, (biologically one of my older cousins, but she raised me so I consider her my mom) has been pressing me to talk to my bio mother when I’ve made it very clear I don’t want to, and never will.
She says stuff like, “You NEED to talk to her and have a relationship with her.” And, “You need to be civil with her.”
I’m like yeah I plan to be, by just not talking to her. My adoptive mom even threatened to kick me out of her house and have me go stay with a different family member when I was visiting her because I didn’t wanna talk to my biological mother.
Even when I talked to her about bringing my brother to the party, (We live in different cities) my adoptive mom was like “Well what if bio mom and the kids wanna go?” and tried to guilt trip me about it.
Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I’m not the type to put in effort for people who wouldn’t for me. I’m the same way with friendships and relationships. So Reddit, AITA?
Sorry if the format is weird I’m on mobile.
You don’t NEED to do any such thing. Stick to your guns. Addicts are manipulative users and no one needs that in their lives.
You adoptive Mom is right. You should be civil with your bio mom just as you would with any other stranger your adoptive mom introduces you to. If she comes to the party, smile “OH Hello. Thank you for coming” and then go talk to a friend or relative. Be nice, be pleasant, but keep you distance. That way the rest of the family can’t say you were mean to her. If she wants to talk about the past just reply “This isn’t the time or place,” and go talk to someone else.
NTA. It’s fine for your adoptive mom to have weighed in on the subject, but honestly, having done that, she should back off and stop pressuring you. Your feelings are reasonable and make good sense, emotionally as well as intellectually.
To be fair to your adoptive mom, she’s in a complicated positon, as I’m sure you realize. She probably doesn’t want people to see her as standing between your bio mom and you. But that doesn’t make her advice to you any better. Stand your ground.
NTA- YOU get to choose who brings light and joy to your life, not stress and toxicity. Explain to your adoptive parent that you are setting your boundaries to keep light and joy in your life, not to bring more stress. Also let adoptive parent know that if she doesn’t understand that, you’ll have to reduce contact with her if she continues to try and badger you into a relationship you feel is non existent. You’re 19, you’re still young, but you know your heart and you need to follow that
NTA. Maybe civility, but nothing more. It’s ridiculous that people are demanding this, and honestly shame on your adoptive mom for trying to force this by threatening to kick you out.
NTA- Your bio is just some lady at this point. You are an adult who gets a say on who you want in it. As lovely as your adoptive mom sounds for raising you, people with that attitude drive me nuts. Just because we share some dna with people doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship.
No. You’ve moved on with your life. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on this one. It’s weird to me that your adoptive mom is so intent on trying to make you engage with bio mom. There must be more to that?
Don’t feel obligated to have her in your life. No matter what anyone else says. If you want to have a nice birthday, don’t invite her. You have every right to not want anything to do with her. Your adoptive mom is wrong for pressuring you. She should respect your wishes. So just follow your gut instinct, you’ll be happier.
NTA you don’t owe her anything
NTA. No one should be forcing you into a relationship with your bio mom. You have good reasons not to talk to her.
NTA. People get the relationships that they earn. Your mother has earned no relationship with you and you have no obligation to give one to her.
My older half-brother brother is dying of cancer right now. A connected family member is asking me to reach out, but I am not going to. He never bothered to foster a relationship with me and the moments where I really needed him… he was not there. He can go fuck himself. He is not entitled to a relationship.
I lived with my grandparents until I was 9 while my mother moved away and got married 2 other times. When I started living with her we moved to another state where I knew no one and barely knew her. I was so so lonely. When I was in my mid 20’s my mom told me how spoiled she thought I was when I started living with her. It was all I could to do not scream at her and never talk to her again. Like I had anything to do with who or how I lived as a child.
NTA at all. “Be civil” does not mean “let someone who blew up your childhood into your life like nothing happened.”
Your adoptive mom might mean well, but threatening to kick you out over contact with someone who sold your laptop and skipped her own mom’s funeral is messed up.
You get to choose who’s at your birthday and in your life, period.