I’ve always been alone & felt alone even in a crowd. But deep down I want to be loved & cared for.
I’m in an unhappy & toxic marriage for over a decade. The husband is not at all a husband material which I failed to identify initially (that’s my fault) as he’s more into theatre/drama, community associations & is always away. He doesn’t contribute a single effort in the family/marriage – be it doing household chores, taking responsibility of the house/groceries/going to the market. He is also an attention seeker & has a “celebrity complex” – meaning he wants everyone & everything to revolve around him & he always wants to be the centre of attention. We quarrel every single day & I’m always exhausted & tired of living. The only good thing that I decided on realizing about this toxic marriage is that I refused to bring another life into so much toxicity.
As he’s into drama/theatre, he knows very well how to “act” accordingly in front of others – a “good husband”, a “good family man”. He has never made me happy, he loses his control on drinking, I have talked & discussed with him calmly about getting divorce a million times but he will just not give me divorce. We have even visited a therapist where even the therapist has also suggested that when none of you are happy why are you still stuck in this marriage? Get a divorce & move on with your lives. But this a\*\*h\*le husband will just not give me divorce.
I genuinely want to move/relocate to another country to escape this a\*\*h\*le and live separately. Currently both of us live in an apartment which is jointly owned by us & I cannot afford to leave this apartment & live in separate flat. I don’t have anyone to support me – no siblings, no friends, no family, no relatives. My mother detests me because she thinks I’m a bad omen. My father died when I was a toddler & very young. My mother wanted me dead instead of my father so you see, I had to bear the brunt of my mother’s wrath throughout my childhood & I wanted to escape that & I thought my husband will be my saviour, my support but alas! Happiness is not my cup of tea in this lifetime.
**NTA**. You do not need his permission to get a divorce. He is a performer and you are his captive audience, which is why he won’t “let” you leave. Stop asking him for a divorce and start talking to a lawyer about a partition sale for the apartment so you can get your half of the money and get out. You aren’t a bad omen. You were just raised by someone who didn’t know how to love you. Please choose yourself and get away from him.
ESH
I’m going with that based on this line.
“He has never made me happy.”
Ever? Then why did you marry him? Also based on the last paragraph it sounds like its not him who won’t give you a divorce its that you can’t afford one? Because otherwise if you both co-own a apartment then I assume you have a job? Leave him and look into government aid.
Married because at that that I didn’t know his true colours. I didn’t know how he is like in reality. I just want to live in a separate place which I cannot afford as I’m paying the mortgage/EMI of this property. He doesn’t pay a single penny for the EMI/mortgage. He forced to include his name in the property. I do my own laundry, my own cooking, clean my own part but he expects me to do the same for him whereas he doesn’t do anything for me. He thinks himself to be VVIP
omg NTA, you’re absolutely right that you deserve to be loved and cared for. My deepest sympathies for your condition, and it sucks that you can’t get a divorce without husband’s permission.
Your husband sounds like a terrifying person, and the way you mention he acts out certain behaviours makes me think he’s so deeply insecure about himself that he feels the need to fake it in front of everyone, and only lets you know his feelings because he takes for granted that you won’t tell anyone.
As for your mother, she has no business blaming you for your dad’s death, and I suspect she might have treated you like a bad omen because she might have been told by superstitious people around her that you were a bad omen. Single mothers tend to get a lot of shit from society, and your mother clearly decided to vent her frustration in the worst way.
My advice to you would be to open a bank account privately where your mother and husband don’t know. Since he’s away a lot, that might be easier actually. And then put money into that account, slowly, so that you can save up enough money to leave or smth like that. If you’ve been in this marriage for over a decade, it’s prolly worth it to dedicate every moment from now on towards getting out of this situation. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy that “I’ve been in this for 10 years, so I might as well see it through”. You’ve been suffering for 10 years, and if you don’t do anything, you’ll wind up suffering for 10 more
Also, don’t let society tell you that you’re a bad person for wanting out. I get living in a society like that, and it sucks to see people like that. Are there any women’s shelters or smth that you could go to for support or advice?
Wish you the best of luck
nta! ofc he doesn’t want a divorce! you keep the house clean, the fridge full and the bed warm.
and yta to yourself for every day not leaving him.
GET OUT please i beg of you get out! You are your only savior!!
NTA for wanting happiness with someone who cares about and respects you. Also, not your fault for not seeing his character from the beginning. LTRs are usually slow reveals of our deeper personalities, and there is no way to know if this person is going to be a solid partner for the future.
If you are unhappy now, this will not change, and neither will he. Do everything you can to get out. It will look hard now, but you will get through it. Good luck.
I don’t understand why you need his permission to get a divorce. It’s because you want to keep the house and have him out? And he doesn’t want to get out?
If that’s the case then NAH, I’m sorry for you, unfortunately there are plenty of marriages that don’t end because one the partners doesn’t have enough money to leave and get a place. He might be an idiot but his house is his as well.
Would it help to treat him as a roommate? You only cook for you, clean your own part, do only your laundry, idk your household dynamics.
INFO: Where do you live? Do your local laws not allow a divorce without both parties consenting? Generally speaking, in most places you do not need their agreement. You should be able to sue for divorce on your own.
Consult a lawyer and get a better understanding of your options here.
NTA. Do you have a job? If not, find one. Also, so what if he doesn’t give you divorce? File anyways. It’s not up to him. If you want to be free, then it has to come with sacrifices.
> no siblings, no friends, no family, no relatives. My mother detects me
Might I suggest individual counseling? You don’t need anyone’s permission to pick up and move (in most western countries). Maybe you’ll be married but MIA, maybe not. But you should believe in your self-worth
INFO: what country are you in?
NTA but why bother arguing just turn off.
Get a job and a separate bank account and start saving.
Does the law in your country require him to grant you a divorce? Here in UK you just file the other person has no say in the matter.
If he does all this theatre stuff what do you do? Join in learn some skills in props or front of house for example and make some friends.