Throwaway account cause he knows my main.
My(22F) boyfriend(23M) and I are currently long distance. The two of us as of late have also gotten more and more busy with other aspects of life such as our job and for him some personal issues relating to relatives and finances. I’ve tried my best to be as supportive as possible but he doesn’t want to burden me with any of the stress that comes with all of that stuff. My boyfriend usually games the most on weekends now.
Usually when he plans to be busy with gaming on ones i dont play he tells me the day before since i work towards getting chores and duties out of the way each morning to spend the day with him. Since i grew up playing a ton of video games myself, i completely understanding binging and spending hours to game all to grind. I asked when he’d be done playing, but he said he had no idea as he wanted to make the most of this time. I was obviously a little upset, but again I know he’s under immense stress and I dont mind he took a day to himself. I ended up asking if he could then let me know around and hour or two before he starts to get ready for bed and can get off so i can spend at least bare minimum and hour with him, but apparently he said that was unlikely too. I was then when i started getting a little annoyed, and im sure he could tell because not too long after he insisted he’d get off now. I told him no, to not do that, and insisted he just play for however long he wants but then make an hour for me bare minimum, but he wouldn’t listen and dropped off his gaming session just to come spend time with me. when he does something similar to this he ends up very bored of what we do together. I was right because after just an hour he wanted to go relax when before he was geared and ready to grind for hours nonstop on a game.
I ended up doing stuff on my own for a bit and then i finally decided to ask him if spending time with me was boring which is why he wasn’t excited to do so. he’s showing little to no sign of him being eager to as a whole to spend time with me. He said that wasn’t the case so i doubled down on why he wasn’t happy with my suggestion to game for as long as he wanted, only getting off to give me an hour of his time before he or I went to bed. I also told him he didn’t listen when I said not to quit his gaming session when it played out exactly like i expected. He made excuses like “i cant just quit a session when i’m gaming nonstop” and "You might get upset while waiting" which i found it extremely hard to believe he lacked that much self control and was that irresponsible with his time, even when given so much understanding from me, and knows i’m extremely patient and have waited whole weeks for him at once.
TL;DR Am i the asshole for asking my boyfriend, who expected to game for over 10 hours nonstop after a long week, to spare me an hour of his time, then getting upset about his impulse control and responsibility?
Nta. But break up. You’re not his priority. He simply doesn’t care about you.
I’m gonna try to say this as gentle as possible… but the right guy wouldn’t make you _beg_ for the _bare minimum_.
NTA. He can’t even spend even an hour of time in a day with you. No good. His reaction is completely off beam.
NTA, your request for time and attention isn’t unreasonable at all.
However, I’ve mixed feelings about this “ok, then I’ll stop” -> “no don’t stop, do what you want” -> “why did you do what you want?” game. In my opinion this drains a lot of energy from any relationship.
> said he wanted to make the most of this time
His optimal day is one without you in it?
NTA
“Gaming non-stop” would mean not stopping to hang out, no? Isn’t this something he wanted for *himself*? Unless it’s an every day thing, then you interjected your wants even though he wanted a day to himself and then got upset when he said a gentle no (“unlikely”). So it seems he got off to appease you because doing so later puts anxiety and stress on the back of his mind wondering if you’re *actually* okay. Or “just fine.” Either way if he was trying to get a “flow,” stopping randomly kills the energy and mood to keep going. Communicate better
This is the one, OP. Forget anyone suggesting you break up over this crap, but between this one and silentjudges_ comment
I’m not at all willing to drown a 3 year relationship over a few people people online telling me to.
Up until recently things have been very smooth, with only 2 arguments in the first 2 years of us together. This last year however has been rocky and it’s mostly because both of us, him more so, are under so much stress. But i still don’t think that much stress is an excuse to label my suggestion of “game for as many hours as you want, just give me one at the end” as unreasonable. We communicate really well, and i get him wanting “me time” cause we do try and make sure we talk every day to each other. But my suggestion, if i was offered that in his position, would be such a perfect win for me. The fact he’d rather double down on his “i just cant do that kind of planning” mentality instead of trying to for my sake is worrying to me.
I don’t know if maybe i’m worried he’ll use gaming as an unhealthy escapism instead of talking to me, because he already doesn’t tell me a lot (he refuses to tell me what exact personal problems are happening, which is fine, but i want to help him through them and cant do so with vague explanations).
You weren’t asking for something unreasonable, but he pretty clear in how he wanted to/planned to spend his time. He may be somewhat depressed, I know from my experience with my girlfriend and feeling similarly that there’s this gnawing feeling of “just one day I’d like things to go my way” and it’s possible it could be something like that. It’s hard having to be there for others, and not feeling like you’re capable of being there for yourself because you have to be there for others. I also think while asking about it is good, if he would rather play video games to reduce some stress unbothered, then you should let him do it the way he wants first, trying to engage him in questions about it all. I’m familiar with this exact situation and while it may be different, all I really wanted was to be unbothered or responsible for anything other than making myself feel better playing games with friends. Good luck
I was perfectly fine with waiting as many hours as he wanted me to so long as he could spare a single hour at the end, not bothering him a single bit during that, and he knows im patient so long as i get a rough idea of when (i’ve waiting a week for him before with no issues and that was biggest test of patience ever, and because he told me beforehand i was perfectly fine, only checking in to ask if he was doing okay with no demands of attention back).
He knows about my expectations and we’ve talked about it a ton, but being given the option to game as long as he wanted uninterrupted and just a single hour at minimum near the end still being labeled as “unreasonable” is what confuses me. My own personal opinions on long gaming sessions aside, it’s extremely hard to think anyone would grind a game that long and not feel like “i should spend some time with my significant other now” after like 8 or 10 or hell even 12 hours. I also dont think it’s unreasonable to time to then make sure he gets off after when he’s getting so many hours all to himself, trying to get a flow, and just makes me think he just cant manage his impulse control well or gaming is turning into an addiction for him.
NTA. It’s unbelievable to me that someone can’t spare a single hour for their significant other. I’m sorry but i don’t think you’re in his priorities.
Long distance hardly ever works