I (23F) am close with some friends online. We enjoy gaming & chatting a lot. A year ago, one friend, B, (20M) got a gf, “M” (18F) & added her to our GC. She’s a sweet girl, so she quickly became part of the group.
It started in a call with some chums; one of which we’ll call E (19M). E was venting about M regarding a prior disagreement. The sitch WAS annoying, but nothing to mull over since it’d been resolved. I noticed how mean it got when he’d repeat the story every time someone joined & drag it on for 45 mins. I’ve caught E talking crap about M before for nitpicks or about stuff that wasn’t her fault. It’s a bad habit of his. I piped in, said it’d be better to talk to her personally. Knowing her, she’d feel bad, apologize profusely, & work on what bothered him if confronted. It wasn’t fair to vent to others uninvolved in the sitch, especially when M wasn’t there to tell her side. E reluctantly agreed.
Afterwards, E began avoiding M. If she joined calls, he’d leave. If he saw her IN calls, he wouldn’t join. If she invited him to hang, she was ignored. B texted E demanding to know why his gf was being shunned, resulting in a heated argument. But still no answer. B&M eventually reached out to me. E unfriended M. They asked if there was any info I could give to why this was happening cause E was silent. I gave context about the convo a week prior, but I knew nothing more. Hours later, E sent M a text basically saying, “I don’t wanna be your friend, I NEVER liked you, and here’s a list of reasons why.” M was heartbroken. She genuinely thought him a friend. I decided to tell E he was wrong for what he did. It was a long, firm, & honest message. I was ignored for 2 days. Eventually, I had a one on one with E. E was stubborn the whole time & felt wronged for being confronted late at night about the whole thing. It was clear E saw himself in the right & was so mad by B’s convo, he debated being friends with him too. I urged him to think on it cause despite the awful treatment, B&M wanted to work things out & be friends again. E said he’d think about it. He wanted space before talking, which we respected.
3 weeks pass. Not a word from him. He continued hanging with others in the GC as if nothing happened, avoided us like the plague. Him avoiding me hurt when I was just the mediator, but I waited nonetheless. After secretly talking to the group, I found out E’s talked crap about me in calls too for MONTHS. 3 examples were given from 4 people in GC. It put things into perspective for me. So I unfriended E. It hurt to click that button, but it felt like the right choice. He wasn’t a true friend. Days later, a mutual told us E didn’t wish to talk to us ever again. That he would have apologized if he agreed to talk, but me unfriending him “sealed the deal,” & he felt more peace walking away. B&M were hurt that E threw years of friendship away. I too felt hurt & responsible by unfriending E. Had I not done so, maybe they would’ve made up or had closure.
AITA?
NTA. E is not a direct or honest communicator. You were reasonably holding him accountable for his actions, and he scittered away like a coward. He avoided all 3 of you for weeks, then blamed you for for all the negative talk he made about you leading to unfriending him.
If he had approached this in an honest and principled way, he would’ve had direct talks with each of you about what’s going on and why, but he can only dish it out behind your backs or through text. He can’t take it.
Be careful. If he’s talking badly about you to your other friends, you need to do a gut check with them. At the very least, your friends need to give you an opportunity to respond if he still does that. Better yet, your friends need to shut E down when he starts talking badly about others behind their back.
Again, E is an avoidant back biting coward. There’s something else going on (maybe a secret or rejected crush he had), but it doesn’t matter now. The way he’s handled this is terrible.
You’re doing great. Keep your head high since you handled this like an adult.
Never at any point did you say what specifically caused the rift between B and E. This post is useless in that regard.
Anyway, your former friend sounds like an incel. Fuck him. NTA.
There was no rift between E & B before E shunned B’s girlfriend. He just avoided him too because they’re a couple, and he didn’t want to get into it with anyone who didn’t agree with him. He knew without communicating that B would be against his actions, so he just cold turkeyed him.
You said that E sent M a text saying he didn’t want to be her friend and gave a list of reasons why. Without those reasons we can’t know if he’s being unreasonable or not.
That said, NTA if he’s going to bad mouth you for months, which sounds like it started before he knew you were involved in the B&M drama, instead of telling you what his issue was, you’re not losing a real friend. Frankly, it sounds like he was waiting for something that he could say was the last straw.
I wanted to put the reasons in the initial post, but I was limited by the word count, but here’s essentially what he said.
-E felt like a third wheel when M and B were playing games with him together. That they were flirty and making inside jokes, and it made him uncomfortable. He solely blamed her for this for some reason, nor did he ever communicate this to either of them until “the list.”
-E blamed M for B being in calls less ever since he started dating her. But what he failed to understand is that B graduated, got a job, AND got a gf. It’s hard to balance equal time for a full time job, love, AND a social life. Not to mention it was B’s choice to spend time with his girlfriend more. M would even ask, “wouldn’t you rather hang out with your friends instead?” But B would insist on spending time with her. Sometimes, B would try combining the hangout time by playing games with us AND M together, but even that had E annoyed because of the third wheel thing.
-E wouldn’t let go of past issues with M, even if they had already been worked out. He’d just add them to the list regardless. Like one time, E asked M&B to play a game, in which they happily agreed, but M had to go run an errand first. When she got back, she had completely forgotten about the plans and hopped on her own game. When E confronted her about it, she felt terrible and profusely apologized. She didn’t do it again after that. But he still held it against her even though he’s done something similar before himself.
NTA – trust me when I say that you’re much better off without friends like “E”. He clearly doesn’t respect you or others, and instead of finding solutions, just looks for more reasons to talk crap behind everyone’s back. I’ve had “friends” like this before, and they just feed off of the adrenaline they get for talking shit and feeling superior. You handled it correctly by suggesting he talk to others like an adult instead of pulling a bunch of high school level drama.
“E” was never going to reach out to you or anyone else, and his excuse for you unfriending him is just that–it’s an excuse, another tally he can add onto his shit talking sessions to try and garner enough sympathy from others in order to maintain their attention. (Bonus points for him if he can get anyone to agree.)
Please, focus on the friendships you have with others, people who are interested in communicating and listening to one another if a problem arises. You’re all still very young and there’s a lot of life left to live without getting bogged down by someone who enjoys being a victim more than they do being a friend.
No I don’t think you are, and your right to unfriend him as he talked shit about you .. he obviously didn’t care about this friendship soo your in the right here
NTA.
Very mature way to handle this. Good job, OP.
NTA. E didn’t just mistreat M – he iced her out, trash-talked her, refused to explain himself, and then did the same to you. That’s a pattern, not a misunderstanding.