My friend (34M) and I (33M) have been friends for over 15 years and used to be very close. This week I was texting with him to let him know I was excited to have booked the DJ and photographer for my wedding that is going to take place in October. We aren’t having a wedding party but for all intents and purposes he is like a groomsman to me.
He immediately replied that he had bad news that he now won’t be able to make it to my bachelor party in April and the wedding is up in the air due to a work meeting he got out of that he has new responsibilities and volumes of work to handle.
I am very much understanding of work related stresses and things come up. The wedding is over 9 months away and our official invitations haven’t been mailed yet. In context this isn’t the first time he has declined offers with little to no warning. I appreciate him being upfront, but I’m left wondering if I’m being an asshole for thinking if we’re that close of friends you could make it work or at least say let’s figure out an alternative?
For a little added context he works from home and has no debt and has declined coming to visit me two hours away because he is saving to buy a second car since he’s not paying rent right now living at home. He also lived in a different state for the last few years and used that as a reason to not come see me, where I have flown to see him.
I’m thinking of not inviting him entirely. My fiance (29f) suggested not going out of my way to plan anything with him until he has more information or offers a plan to do something together.
I don’t think you are friends anymore especially if he is making up excuses nine months from now on why he can’t make it. Just consider him someone from your past and cut contact.
It looks like one “friend” is attempting a slow-fade and the other isn’t taking the hint.
I think that I’d keep him invited, if he still doesn’t show then you can let the relationship fizzle or talk about it with him. You could also try and think, are you always the person initiating contact lately? Has it always been this way? Relationships change with time, friends come and go.
Info:
How are 3 and 9 months “little to no warning”?
Also, have you talked to him about how his warnings made you feel?
You’re not having attendants, but he’s “like a groomsman.”.. what does that mean, exactly? Are you asking your friends and family to do more for the wedding than just be guests?
You WNBTA, but you should still invite him to the wedding. I’d at least give him that option to chose. If he opts not to come, maybe just let the relationship die a natural death.
This!! 👆🏼👆🏼 came here to say the same thing
NTA, he’s basically already uninvited himself by saying the wedding is up in the air nine months in advance over a work meeting.
YWNBTA as long as you understand that not inviting him is a clear indication that the friendship is over.
If that’s not your actual wish, to end the friendship, then your fiancée has the right idea. Don’t make plans with him. Invite him to the party, but don’t offer him any kind of special role. He doesn’t seem to view this friendship the same way you do, which is a lot more common than people think. Accept him for who he is, realize that he’s unreliable, and decide in the future how much time or money that’s worth to you.
Uninivting him to the wedding is a tactical social nuke that would create a lot of drama you don’t need. A disinvite from a wedding is a GIANT go f yourself and is usually in response to a major incident. If you have mutual friends it will trigger a who gets who in a friend divorce. Give him the invite and just stop inviting him to other things. If starts inviting you out there is space for the friendship to survive, if he lets it fizzle on his end then it is time to let go.
It’s not uninviting if you just don’t send the invitation. The “friend” already refused.
NTA He doesn’t want to attend. You don’t decline an invitation that you don’t even know you can’t make yet. I’d still invite him, but I’d absolutely not be thinking of him as a groomsman anymore.
It sounds like he’s moved on from the friendship. Just think of it as a natural progression of life and don’t view it with animosity. People come into our lives when we need them, and then move on when we don’t. It’s not malicious.
Regardless if you want him there or not, he is telling you with his actions (non-actions) and words that he isn’t willing to make the effort to be your friend. I would just ask him “hey man, do you still want to be friends with me?”. Try to remove emotional comments,just facts – I noticed you don’t visit and now you aren’t coming to both Bach party and wedding,,when that is what I would expect you to do as my friend of ___ years. What can we do about this?
At least he’s letting you know now that he is, in fact, not interested in booking dates for your life events. LOL Your fiancé’s plan sounds good – back off, make no contact with this particular friend and if he makes no effort to stay in touch, then do not invite him to participate in your wedding in any way. Friendships come…and go. You will all survive.