To begin, my mother in law is staying with us. I do not have any problems with my MIL whatsoever. She is a genuine, sweet person and has no ill intentions against anyone or anything.
My husband loves his mother very much. He treats her with respect and is very grateful that she is here with us. She cook meals for us and cleans while we work, which she chooses to do.
Important context for this before I explain the problem: From work, my husband has a rough, incredibly dry patch of skin that provides him with some discomfort every other day or so. There is not much that can be done for it, as the skin has scarred at this point from constant scratching and rubbing against his work boots..
The problem starts around Wednesday or Thursday last week. His mom was getting onto him about scratching his leg, only making it worse, a classic mom worried for her son.
I feel I must mention that she does not love him in the weird and gross boy mom way. I have never, ever witnessed any sort of display of that kind from either her nor him.
Later that night, she offered to put the lotion on his legs and the rough patch of skin. I wasn’t paying attention, so it was only until I saw her applying the lotion to the rough patch and the backs of his legs that I was caught off guard. It gave me an uncomfortable feeling, but I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt afterwards.
‘Sleeping on it’ turned into me dropping it and forgetting about it completely as I told myself it was whatever. Tonight, me and my husband are laying in bed. She comes in and sits in his side and is just talking to him. Again, I am not paying attention but then I feel him move his leg up in bed and she begins applying his lotion. I think she also rubbed it in to his forearms. As soon as I recognized what she was doing I immediately felt uncomfortable again. I can’t explain what it is or why but it makes a pit form in my stomach.
I told my husband how I felt, “Hey, it makes me uncomfortable that she puts your lotion on your legs.” I explained. I tried to explain to him that I feel that as his wife, his mom should not be worrying about that. I feel like that is a me thing to do, which I feel is a valid thing to say.
Well he got offended big time. At first he was calm but a little short, saying that I had no reason to be uncomfortable, it’s his mom. I repeated that I understood, but I just can’t move past the feeling. I told him I didn’t want to feel this way but I do.
We went back and forth for a bit before I ended up getting upset and telling him that as a husband and wife we should have the confidence between each other to say the things we want without getting mad. Then i told him I’m not his ex wife and I’m not going to throw his mom out, which is ex actually did. He said I was making him think and told me to let him sleep.
AITA for telling my husband that I am uncomfortable with the fact that his mom applies lotion to his legs as an adult?
Soft YTA, but only because you’re projecting discomfort onto something that doesn’t appear inappropriate. You repeatedly emphasize that his mom is kind, respectful, and not weird about him, and nothing you described crosses into sexual or emotional enmeshment. Parents caring for adult kids’ medical or skin issues isn’t unheard of. You’re not wrong for having a feeling, but asking him to see it as a problem when it’s clearly normal to him puts him in a tough spot. This feels like something you need to unpack internally rather than expecting him to shut his mom down.
Yta. She is his mom and you said she’s helpful and respectful. It’s pretty weird for YOU to be uncomfortable with a loving mom putting lotion on her son. I’m a grown up and I’ve rubbed lotion on my mom’s feet and she’s rubbed lotion on mine. If that made my partner uncomfortable I’d wonder why THEY were being weird. Do you not have a good relationship with your mom? Are you jealous that he has a great mom? Bc this is all very weird to someone with normal parents.
Yeah, I do not have the best relationship with my mom. She is a controlling narcissist and we don’t get along that great. I feel that maybe I view it as “weird” because our relationship is so warped and she would never do that for me. I definitely will take a bit to reflect and make a point to apologize to him in the morning.
I think you need to look at why you’re reacting to this so strongly. Obviously coming into your bedroom when you’re both in there is out of bounds. But the lotion is taking care of her kid. My kids are 19 and 17 and in my eyes they’re still my baby and I want to nurture them.
NTA, you can’t help how you feel, but I would sit with yourself to ask yourself where the feeling is coming from.
The coming into their bedroom while they’re both laying in bed is the weirdest thing here IMO. I guess different strokes for different folks, but that would be yikers for me.
YTA you said yourself there’s never been anything weird in their relationship so why did you make it weird? It’s lotion on skin. My dad used to rub sunscreen on my back when I was in a bikini. I rubbed lotion on his feet and lower legs many times over the years when he was in pain. There was nothing sexual about it. We weren’t even a hugging feely family but helping out with lotion or something to make a family member feel better isn’t weird.
NTA but you’re the one being weird. Are you a mom by any chance? I have a grown son now, he’s a farm and rodeo guy and I still dress his wounds, help him put aloe on when he burns, sunscreen if he thinks about it. I go take care of him when he’s sick. I get why you feel weird, but I think you’re reading too much into it. You never stop being a mom, and the ways you can help become fewer and fewer the older our kids get.
“I tried to explain to him that I feel that as his wife, his mom should not be worrying about that. I feel like that is a me thing to do, which I feel is a valid thing to say”
Then do that and his mom might not feel the need to
NTA for communicating your feelings but it also feels like you’re making a mountain out of a mole Hill and bringing up his ex is entirely unnecessary.
You know husband is uncomfortable with his skin condition, yet you want to prevent his mom from trying to help. You could have offered to take care of your husband’s legs, but apparently never thought about that at all. And then you doubled down and brought up his ex-wife.
YTA for being so jealous and for wanting your husband to suffer to pacify you.
I going to say YTA. She’s doing everything for you as a good mother by cooking and taking care of you, not only your husband. Maybe you view his “rash” or whatever it is as a non-problem cuz it’s a daily thing you deal with him about. Maybe you’ve tried to apply lotions and he balked. But that’s his mom and she just wants to take care of her “baby” cuz she’s his mom. And maybe he’s more accepting of her care taking because that’s what she’s always done. My husband’s mom is like this and I appreciate her love and attention. I didn’t grow up with loving and attentive parents so it does make me uncomfortable but I realize that’s a “me” problem. But I have my own child and I know I will always do things to take care of them as long as I’m alive regardless of how old they’ll be.
You really are overthinking this. Moms don’t like for their kids to suffer and smooth them when possible. Just say thanks mom and get on with life. yta, sorry.
I get it. My first thought reading this was “That’s weird. Why can’t he do it himself?”. But then I thought about it a little and when you’re in pain and not feeling great it can be nice to have someone take care of you a little. Again, I understand the discomfort and I think it would be totally fine to ask her to not come in and do it on the bed when you’re both in there, but the way you went about expressing your feelings wasn’t okay. Why did you have to bring up his ex?
ESH “I feel like that is a me thing to do” – but you did nothing?
“There is not much that can be done for it” – are you sure? Are you his doctor? At least his mom was trying to help him.
Going to your bedroom and applying lotion while your husband is lying in bed with you is overstepping – your husband should explain that to his mom, not you. However, her applying lotion to his leg earlier is not a crime: she’s his mom, it’s not like she was touching his genital area, and he was okay with it. It’s not ok to sexualize typical mom behavior.
It sounds more like you’re annoyed/embarrassed because you didn’t care about his wound, and she did, and tried to help him.
YTA. If you have kids you will realize they always seem like your kids. It’s not weird to touch them, unless they feel uncomfortable, which he doesn’t. What, do you think, she’s lusting after him? He’s getting aroused? You have hangups.