(19f) My father is very hard on my older sister. she does slack off, we had a conversation about our concern for her earlier in the day. He went to talk to her about it, but he went too hard on her. he yelled, said he was disappointed, told her to shut the fuck up, and told her hed cut her off if she didnt get her shit together. i went to talk to him, telling him he went too hard. the conversation went south, i admitted that we were scared of him. the only reason me and him dont argue anymore is because im too scared to mess up. i think i got under his skin. i feel so guilty and sad. he is not a good father, but it pains me to make him feel that way. im already grieving the relationship weve built because i couldnt keep my frustration inside. Im not even sure if it was an argument. just an emotional, honest conversation. no one yelled. there was some hostility at times i was able to talk down. i agreed with him that i was also worried about my sister but that he took it too far. the conversations end is where things got worse. i expressed that i sometimes fear that the treatment he gives my sister could potentially happen to me too if i ever mess up. he said we figured we were scared of him. he apologized in a way that didnt sound entirely genuine. at some point i did notice his eyes water though. he never cries. earlier he had mentioned how me and him never argue anymore. i asked him why he thinks so. he said he didnt know. i said it was because i was scared of him. this made me cry and storm off. I feel immensely guilty.
My mom called me this morning telling me he cried. That hearing those words from me hurt badly. I cant deal with the guilt. I dont wanna care but i do. i sent him a message earlier apologizing but he hasnt even looked in my direction since getting home. am i the asshole?
This kind of thing was a long time coming. It’s a huge catharsis for you, but it’s a huge sledge hammer to your father. Give it time, then talk it out more. You didn’t intent to hurt him. You spoke honestly. I’m bending over backwards to be generous to him since he seems to genuinely get the message. NAH
This is a typical reaction from an abuser:
*be abusive -> get all sad when called out on it -> turn it around and blame the victim – > repeat the cycle.*
NTA.
Why on earth should you apologise for telling him the truth about how you feel? Don’t fall for his manipulation. He’s just sulking because you didn’t put up with his bullying. Let him sulk – it might lead to some much-needed self-reflection.
Take care of yourself and keep safe.
Edited typo
thank you very much for the input, it is very helpful
Exactly it, and she is so used to managing his emotions that she feels guilty, and is questioning it. Make no bones, the missing step is her second guessing her boundaries and making it extremely easy for him to start the cycle again, with the bare minimum sign of (not an actual apology) but eh.. I’m sure he feels bad because he says nothing.
And I clocked her involvement with her sisters discipline. It’s nice that she’s sticking up for her sister now, but abusive parents weaponise the golden child who is just relieved that they’re not the target
NTA – This sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation on the part of your parents and I hope you and your sister are able to unpack it in therapy
NTA. You needed to have this conversation, even if it was hard for you. Sometimes you have to talk about serious things, even when it’s uncomfortable or emotional.
Hopefully you can escape this unhealthy relationship dynamic with your father.
NTA part of growing up is realizing that your parents are human. Your father keeps messing up, by yelling at you and talking badly to you. He’s reaping the rewards of being a bad communicator and being verbally abusive. Your sister and you are adults now. As adults, you don’t have to have a relationship with him any more. It’s sad and sucks, but it’s life. Adults have to treat each other with mutual respect, otherwise you get to walk away.
NTA. If he cried, he knows there’s an element of truth to it — yet he was too insecure and immature to continue the conversation, so instead he stormed off and won’t look at you. Sounds like all you did was tell the truth — and less harshly than he dishes out truth to your sister. A man who can dish it out but can’t take it needs to grow up.
NTA. My father is exactly the same. 4 of his 5 kids don’t talk to him anymore. At least two have said even if he changed now, it’s too late. The one who does has admitted she’s only doing it out of guilt that he could die never speaking to his kids again. Your father will eventually lose you both if he doesn’t change course. One day, it will be too much.
NTA – you did not make your father cry. His guilt (hopefully) over his own actions made him cry, and he sounds like he needed to hear it.
If he doesn’t want to feel bad because his kids are afraid of him- he shouldn’t do stuff that makes his kids afraid of him. Period. I’m a mother and it would BREAK me to hear that my kids were terrified of me- but that would be *MY* fault, not the kids’.
Don’t feel bad for telling the truth kiddo.
Congrats on standing up to your dad. Some people need to be shaken. Sometimes the truth hurts. He should be your safe place, not someone you are scared of. It suck’s to walk on eggshells.
NTA – truth hurts
NTA. you don’t need to feel guilty for calling out bad behavior.
NTA. Dad is facing the consequences of his actions. If he’s an AH to your sister, it’s reasonable tht he’d also be an AH to you. You shouldn’t even have apologized.