Ive been married for 23 years, we have two kids and are generally happily married but do have some heated arguments at times – exacerbated in the last 12 months with my 8 yo son being diagnosed ADHD & my daughter being a moody teenager.
Background – Im in my 40s, recently diagnosed ADHD and new to learning about my neuro spicy condition. I also love and adore my wifes mum – she is a wonderful human being and I love her too.
Only more recently, her mother started to become obviously very unwell – she is 78, has COPD (Emphysema) and was in hospital for a week until a week ago.
On top of an extremely difficult & stressful 2025, we were desperate for a good relaxing Christmas holiday together as a family. On day one of this break she found herself & her 2 sisters suddenly providing round the clock care and supervision including overnight stays at the local hospital. This took a huge toll on my already burned out wife, her 2 sisters and subsequently myself and my family.
A week ago we had a huge fight. My wife has a habit (even when not under huge pressure) of asking me about something (e.g. Can you work from home on Wednesday so we can get a quote from a gardener I’ve arranged) – often she will ask and re-ask and then confirm & double check if Im OK to do that and then second guess and offer alternatives – as simple appointment like that can become incredibly infuriating.
Obviously, during this shitty time were having, she deserves WAYYYY more leeway than normal and I need to be patient & more kind than usual. But after 3 weeks with my kids mostly alone with me, running the house and then ultimately returning to work, I was still trying to balance kids, work, DIY stuff (Neighbour requested some fence changes due to our dog entering their property) she returned home from a night sleeping at the hospital on a shitty blow up mattress and whilst I was in-between work meetings, asked AGAIN about the gardener.
I lost it, raised my voice and snapped at her. She lost it even more, threw her phone and screamed at me about her dying mother and left the house saying she was "done with me". Whilst I was heightened, I sent a few nasty messages but then abruptly stopped.
From my side, I struggle with ADHD and emotional dysregulation, and I was already highly anxious and not coping well. I wasn’t trying to be the asshole but I don’t emotionally regulate well and felt flooded and snapped in the moment. I’ve since apologised and taken responsibility, but she is still very cold with me and told her sister & mother about what happened.
So – AITA for losing control & snapping during such a sensitive time, even though I’m remorseful and trying to do better?
It can both be somewhat understandable AND YTA at the same time.
It makes sense you snapped. But also, you went too far when your wife has to be even closer to breaking than you are.
Her mother is dying. No matter how much you like your MIL, unless you’ve been through it, you don’t understand.
If she’s “done with you,” this isn’t the first time you’ve screwed up.
YTA. You admit that you struggle with emotional regulation so you should be in therapy for that. It shouldn’t be your wife’s burden to bear.
YTA. She was not sleeping, incredibly stressed, and still trying to handle family shit like the gardener. She wouldn’t ask and re-ask if in your decades of marriage you hadn’t proven that she needed to. Your kids are arguably old enough to feed, potty, and bathe themselves, so solo parenting isn’t full time in the trenches like it would be with littles. Were you stressed? Yeah. But you aren’t the main character here. Have some empathy. You were wrong.
Yes YTA. She asked a simple question. She didn’t need you to go off on her when she is barely holding it together. Trying and actually doing are very different things.
yta. She’s going through a difficult time, and yes she might have an anoyying habit of saying the same thing. However, you can tell her that she is irritating you without resorting to screaming and sending “nasty texts.” Everyone is going through a difficult time. If you can’t control your temper walk away and speak when you can
Info –
In the past has she had to do the “ask and then reconfirm repeatedly” routine as a work around for your undiagnosed adhd? I know my husband has had to do this with me.
YTA, but it’s nothing you can’t come back from. You and your wife and your family are all going though a horrible time and you have reasons that you snapped, but having reasons for being an asshole does not mean you weren’t an asshole. You know you were wrong and you are sorry, so work on strategies for how to do better next time. Your wife is also not blameless for her reactions, especially bringing other people in on your argument, but because you started it and she has more and better reasons, this one’s on you. You’ll get through this terrible time, but for now all either of you can do is your best.
As a recently a diagnosed adult with adhd your spouse repeatedly confirming commitments with you is highly likely to be because because you have a history of dropping the ball on them. That, plus snapping when you know she just spent the night in hospital, plus that whole ‘well I struggle with emotional dysregulation’ handwashing you’ve done here has me leaning YTA
NAH, it sounds like you’re both under a lot of stress, you apologized, and even if she accepts it she might need space for a bit.
Ngl though, this post makes me think you’re planning to use your new ADHD diagnosis to rationalize acting like a jerk more in the future.
YTA
You snapped at her for confirming you could cover a responsibility? That is some severe dysregulation. I am glad you are remorseful and apologetic but, yes. Of course YTA. You seem to already know it.
You are grieving as well and that probably has impact on your behavior. This isn’t something you guys can’t work past.
YTA, you know the asking you multiple times is because you’ve not done shit right in the past
Dude YTA and as someone with ADHD and issues with emotional regulation myself, don’t you DARE blame your shitty reaction on your neurodiversity. You are a grown adult, and you are responsible for what you do.
Here’s something you apparently need to learn: while ADHD might explain why you do things, it is not an excuse for you to get away with shitty behaviour. The consequences of you not just snapping but “sending a few nasty messsages” is that your wife is hurt by your actions, and most importantly, *she does not owe you forgiveness*.
As an aside, if she has a habit on constantly reminding you or checking in about stuff, i guarantee that you have been inconsistent and unreliable in the past, and so she uses this as a coping mechanism to manage your condition. Even if you are improving in this area, when she is under this level of stress she is going to fall back on tried and tested methods of getting you to do things because she can’t cope with picking up slack again.
So your only option now is to swallow your pride, admit to yourself that you majorly suck as a partner, and start learning how to manage your ADHD and – most importantly – be better. If your wife asks you about a task, don’t just say yes, put it in a shared calendar, show her it’s in the calendar, and set however many reminders and alarms you need to make it work. Do the work learning how to regulate and manage your emotions, because hey, if you don’t send your boss “a few nasty messages” every time he’s a dick, it’s not about emotional regulation – it’s about you feeling that there’s no consequences for treating your partner like shit.
It’s tough when both of you are stressed, I get that because my partner and I have been through it as well. But you know what? You got mad because your wife reminded you to do a task when you, as a person with ADHD, aren’t great at following through with tasks. If that’s the worst thing she’s done while her mother is dying, then count yourself lucky, swallow your damn ego, and start being the kind of partner she deserves.
The fact he describes his texts as nasty with no details…they were fucking BAD and he knows it.