We met online because we were both new to the city and became friends. She has a pretty strong language barrier, but I always tried my best , using a translator just so we could talk properly.
Another thing: before she even moved here, she had already started some kind of relationship with this guy in this country online who reached out to her on a language learning app. Bit bizarre but is what it is.
She’s Japanese, and her boyfriend is obsessed with the country she is from. He didn’t help her learn English at all. He insisted they speak Japanese only (he’s not Japanese he’s Indian, but obsessed with Japan and pushy about moving there), so her English didn’t improve at all over the span of a year. After six months living here, she still struggled and couldn’t hold a conversation in english because he never encouraged her and couldn’t find work here due to her abilities. I tried recommending English shows, interviews, things to help her feel more integrated, because she genuinely wanted to learn . I did my best so she felt like home here.
Anyway, He lied to her about having money, having his own company and a lot more She found out he actually works part-time in a coffee shop and has nothing to his name so they broke up. I told her I was always suspicious of him and that it annoyed me he didn’t help her with English, because it just felt like he was keeping her in a bubble. Its like he isolated her in a way? He never helped her fit into society. Or helped her find friends. Social groups. Nothing. She only had him and me
I later found that she went back to dating him secretly. When she told me, she stated she wasnt happy that I suspected him and my comments from when they broke up and was a bit grumpy I said these things about her boyfriend and called him the best person in her life and her number one. I felt weird and honestly didn’t want to be involved in the whole situation anymore. Or with her. I tried so hard to help her feel like she belonged but i felt like i did it for nothing. So i officially **stopped at this point**
When her birthday came around, I had already planned something beforehand which she knew about, so I still followed through and knew i couldnt distance myself yet. I told her to step outside her room cause I had a surprise she knew about , and I decorated her wall with balloons and banners and got her a cake. But while I was decorating, she was stressed , saying she doesn’t trust people in her room and got kind of angry? I don’t even know why she agreed to it if she felt like that maybe she realised halfway through she couldn’t handle it – she knew exactly what i was going to do. Or maybe its because she was deep down irritated with me still? I didnt want her spending her birthday alone in a foreign country so tried to make her happy.
She then saw the surprise and was happy but i couldnt help feel a bit shitty of what she had been reacting moments before..it felt kinda hot and cold but i think she did say she was bipolar so maybe thats it.
Since then it’s been a few months, and when she reached out again I replied but I was really blunt. I didn’t wanna talk to her 🙁 but she mustve thought we were good after last time. So I do wonder if im being an ass by just silently removing myself
Am I the asshole for slowly distancing myself?
NTA, she brought stress on to you. And disappointment. You invested a lot of time in her trying with english but if she doesn’t want to help herself it is better to step back. It is okay to think of yourself. And being blunt, was probably the clearest way to get her to back off forever.
Yeah… thats what i sometimes thought. she has super strong mood swings too, i think if i suddenly replied now itd be too late. plus i have no idea what her boyfriend said in this time and mightve even turned her on me( pretty sure he doesnt like me because i suspect him to not be a good guy)
Eeh, a little bit ESH, while you were a good friend in trying to help her learn English and make her feel welcome, the rest is her life and it’s up to her to make her own mistakes. You said your piece and being upset she doesn’t follow your advice it gives a little bit controlling vibes.
With the room decorations, maybe she’s shy and didn’t want to hurt your feelings saying you can’t go into her room. It sounds a little bit invasive, you could have just blown up the balloons and cake and surprise her at the door, instead of kicking her out to decorate her room. I would be a bit weirded out too.
She’s an AH more toward herself, allowing the guy to trick her and going back, then an AH for lying to you.
This being said, if you no longer want to be friends then just be honest with her and then move on with your life.
I think i should clarify some stuff – she knew momths beforehand that i would throw her a surprise thing and exactly what id do and saw all my decorations and carried them with me to her place! she even chose the balloons, too. she was happy to have a birthday celebration in a new country and not spend her day alome , she only stepped out so there was space for me to set up ( i didnt want her setting up her own decorations and she didnt either) it was maybe for a few minutes.
my guess is that she overestimated how chill she’d be about someone putting up a couple balloons in her own space. then again i didnt feel it was fair she lashed out at me for something she agreed to way before.. i had good intentions and im sure she knew it..
as for the boyfriend thing, i dont think i ever vocalised being upset aside from when they broke up and she was talking about how he was not a good guy and i was agreeing saying he was a bit suspicious ( his lies were a bit unrealistic) . but i didnt really give advice or anything about dating, the only thing i really gave advice on was how to learn english ( that was something she stressed on because she felt lonely) and to not be sad about losing her boyfriend because there is good men out there who wouldnt do these things
i do hear what you’re saying though and to be honest when i confided in a friend about this, he said the same about these are her decisions and if she wants to return to someone who lies again and again its on her. thats part of why i just quietly removed myself and just let it be. im still polite and respectful with her, but i think i’ll just leave it there.
NTA
Follow me here… When I was little, my mom always said if someone called or came to the door and she wasn’t home, that I was supposed to lie and say she was in the bathroom or otherwise unable to come to the phone/door whatever. It was a lie, and we shouldn’t lie, but some times, the other guy doesn’t need know to know the truth or even have a right to know the truth.
This was a girl who didn’t seem to respect the time and energy you were putting into the friendship. You can absolutely sit down with her to explain yourself, but I am not sure she would take it respectfully or if she would try to blame you…. Regardless, I don’t know that she needs to know the truth. And you probably could use a step back from her anyway.
NTA. Leave her. You can’t help someone if they don’t even want to help themself.
I see.. its just tough because on one hand i just wanted my friend to feel integrated and part of life and not alone. but you’re right, it got to a point where i kinda learned my lesson and felt i needed to just stop, so i did. i only wish i stopped sooner..