I (33m) am a teacher. I work at a great district and love my job and coworkers. Two of those coworkers (“Ali” 30f and “Dave”32m) and I are pretty close as we all started within a year of each other and came on during Covid times. All three of us are married to non-teachers. We’ve had happy hours and even a couple dinners all together with our partners.
These two make some sexually suggestive jokes and comments here and there. It’s never near students, but just when it’s the three of us or a few othercoworkers. I laugh when they’re funny, but I don’t generally engage with this because I just really try to keep things overly professional.
Despite what they may think, I’m no prude, as my wife and I actually used to engage in some swinging but it wasn’t for us, and we keep our kinky side monogamous.
Both of the coworkers complain about their spouses a normal amount, but it’s definitely increased in the year or so. Right before winter break, we did a happy hour after school and the two of them were pretty adamant about not inviting spouses.
I met them for one drink just to say happy holidays, but they had arrived earlier than me and seemed to be prepared to stay later. I didn’t think much of it. Allie , however, posted on her Instagram story a picture of papers to grade at a local coffee shop implying she was there around 4:30 when I knew she was still at the bar with the Dave. I thought it was odd, but I was busy with the last days of 2025.
All of January there has been a vibe. I have no hard evidence, but it feels like I’m a bit of a third wheel.
Last week during a meeting, I get a group message from the Dave with Allie in it. All it said was, “What a lucky pen 😉.” I looked at my pen and was confused. Then I looked up at Allie, who had not yet seen the text message, and her pen was in her mouth and hanging off her lips.
Dave must have realized his mistake and then tried to justify the text.
Today they asked me to do happy hour Friday because of how long of a week it’s been with the snow. I suggested bringing spouses, and they kind of poo pood it again. I then kind of blew up on them.
I didn’t necessarily accuse them of anything, but I just said that I didn’t know what the fuck this was, but I’m not interested in being a part of it. They both seemed a little confused and embarrassed. Now I’m worried that I misread the situation and messed up my work relationships.
Sorry this was long. I’m anxious and can’t sleep. My wife has an extremely important client meeting tomorrow, so she’s been in bed since 8:15, and I couldn’t talk to her about it.
NTA, but I don’t think you misread this at all. At minimum, they’re engaging in emotional intimacy and flirting that crosses professional and marital lines, and they clearly didn’t want spouses around for a reason. You being uncomfortable is valid, and honestly you handled it more calmly than many would have. Best move now is distance and keeping things strictly work-related. This has mess written all over it.
NTA for not wanting to hang out or feeling something is up, but I don’t read anywhere that they’ve asked you to keep things secret or that they’re using you as a cover.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like they’re using you as a cover, necessarily. But whatever is going on between them, they certainly seem to think they’re being more discrete than they actually are. You were right to let them know you won’t be complicit in something that threatens their marriages as well as all of your workplace relationships.
For now ESH, but only because you have no hard proof and blowing up could make things awkward for you at work. But NTA for calling it out when it’s clearly something more. So inappropriate to involve you in whatever they are doing. I would talk to them both in person and apologize for blowing up, but still reinforce your boundaries about the sexual comments.
If they don’t feel comfortable telling their own spouses about the actions they are taking, or even feel guilty, why should they apologize? I don’t see a reason. NTA.
NTA. You might want to consider telling the two of them that you’re uncomfortable. That will be the best way to patch things up, and maybe help them realize they aren’t as discrete as they think they are.
NTA. You need to trust your intuition on this one. Even if they haven’t physically consummated anything, they are having a relationship that they want to hide from their spouses. And you definitely don’t have to be part of it if you don’t want to.
Nta but distance yourself from their situationship. If both their relationships are in the dumps, there’s no need for them drag you into that mess with emotional affairs.
NTA, my guess is it is emotional and spouses kill the vibe. They may not realize how far their private jokes and common support have gone. Maybe a little friendly chit chat about what their interactions look like to outsiders. Don’t accuse but state what it looks like and why. No spouses, silly little texts, and let them know others may see it also.
I mean… whether you’re an asshole depends entirely on whether your suspicion is correct. You have a few assumptions here that your colleagues are lying to you. Based on the way you presented the info certainly seems suspicious. In that case definitely NTA.
> Now I’m worried that I misread the situation and messed up my work relationships.
This is entirely on you dude. Reddit will just parrot back that you are right based on how you told the story but we don’t know these people. You’re going to have to make this judgment for yourself.
NTA. I would look Dave straight into the eyes and put your pen in and out of your mouth and wink at him. Lol I’m jk…..sorry I’ve had a few glasses of wine 😬
but I totally understand not being able to vent to your wife. Things like this often keep me up at night too. Don’t worry about it, if anybody should be losing sleep over this it should be Dave and Allie.
Edited to say: what was his explanation of that text???
NTA, honestly setting clear boundaries like this is how you don’t mess up work relationships. Make it clear you don’t want to see it and they won’t do it in front of you, it’s that simple. They won’t argue, they know they don’t have the moral high ground here.
Also if they’re misleading where they are at certain times, they’re probably already cheating and their spouses probably already know or at least suspect. As someone who has seen a few cheaters, you’re very naive to assume they were still just at the bar.
You’re not an asshole. They are though. It sounds pretty blatant to me.