My gf (27f) and I (27m) have been dating for over 5 years. I work a full time job (six figures) with a long commute. She does not work and has not worked for over a year. She is pursuing freelancing and other independent interests. I have been in full support of her but honestly it’s tough. I want to feel like I’m growing and succeeding in life, but our area is expensive and in this area, that’s just enough to get by for 2 people. I worked very hard to get a degree and do the “stable” thing so that I could pursue my passions one day. Unfortunately, now I feel a huge added pressure of her taking an extreme risk, while she has no savings, making everything more difficult. We’ve had open communication about this topic and although I encouraged her to get a part time job at least, she has not. I have accepted this reality for now, but things have been piling up.
There has been a few issues that I won’t discuss in too much detail: phone addiction, lacking emotions, communication, physical connection. We have worked through many of these things over the years in a very mature way, but they still linger. Lately, I haven’t been feeling great about it and today did me in. On top of my work, I cook every meal for us (and buy every meal when we eat out). I’m ok with buying every meal when we eat out of course. Whereas cooking… I wish she would do more. I was having a long day at work so I was running late. She decided to make food for me! This was the first time she’s done this in a long time! The meal I came home to: canned sardines and chickpeas 😐. I’m always grateful to have a meal on a plate, but coming home to that made me create my first reddit post ever.
I’m not perfect but honestly I try to be a good boyfriend and I think I’m doing a decent job. So AITA for feeling underappreciated?
Honey, when I got to the part where you said you do all the cooking ON TOP OF everything else…my eyes bugged out. You are young. You are not married to this person. You don’t sound happy. And she sounds very self-centered and she’s freeloading off of you. I think life has more to offer you than this!! Please…rethink being in this relationship!!
NTA.
THIS. OP she is taking advantage of you, she’s not behaving like a partner , she’s just sucking the life out of you.
Stop enabling her and financing her , she’s not behaving needs to get a job and get real about life. She can pursue those things and work like us normal people do.
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INFO: Have you discussed these concerns with her at all leading up to this?
If you haven’t brought any of this up to her except for mentioning that she should get a part time job, NAH. However, your lives are in very different places, and it’s probably time to have a very serious and difficult discussion about what your relationship has become and whether it is viable.
If you have discussed it, NTA. She isn’t a very good partner.
NTA Since GF has no savings and no income, she has nothing to lose by taking risks — as long as you continue to provide her with unconditional support. Wake up and decide if this is what you want for your future companion. If not, change the conditions of your support or change partners.
NTA
She should have some kind of timeline with measurable goals if she wants to give freelancing a go. But even then, I don’t see why she can’t do part-time work (even if it is a menial job) so she brings in some money at least. Are there part-time jobs in your area?
I also think expecting her to do ALL of the cooking would be totally reasonable because not only are you the only one bringing in money (that she also lives on), you ALSO have a commute.
Let’s do a quick tally.
What you bring to the table:
– All of the money for both of you.
– Genuine support for her interests.
– Open communication.
– Cooking / buying every meal.
– Emotional maintenance.
What she brings to the table:
– Phone addiction.
– Sardines.
Is this a balance that fulfills you?
So she just gets to sit at home all day and do nothing for the next X amount of years while you watch, work, and pay for it? Sounds like a great life! I get not having a steady career, but she needs to figure her shit out. Look up sunk cost fallacy. NTA.
NTA, you’re the bread winner and doing all the cooking??? No way, you need to have an honest discussion with her, the amount of emotional labour you’re doing and it sounds like you’ve supported her without it being reciprocated.
Honestly kind of sounds like she’s using you to get a free ride but doesn’t really care about you as a person. Just end it, you could try to fix it but if after 5 years this is where you two are at, it’s probably not going to get any better. People tend to get worse with age, get out now.
NTA. But are you being honest about yourself for why you’re still with her? It sounds like you two have had a lot of pretty fundamental issues to work through. Do you want to be with *someone* or do you want to be with *her*?
Very natural to feel unappreciated when you’re paying for everything and don’t feel like your partner is contributing. Does she do other chores? Have you talked to her about how you feel?
Get out of the relationship, before she gets knocked up. She wants to be a digital content creator doesn’t she? I was in the same situation, she was addicted to her apps on the phone would never cook and work and all her ventures she failed at. Enough is enough do it, get rid of the succubus, you’ll be lonely for a bit, but buy a dog or a cat and stick close to your friends
Gf sounds more like your teenage daughter. Is this what you want your life to look like in five, ten years? Get out while you still have your good looks. nta
NTA… Something is rotten and it’s not the sardines. I’d start planning an exit strategy.
NTA
Normally I’m against the “just leave them” talk, in favor of mediation before separating a lot of the time.
In this case though, yeah you need to just break up. It is insane that you’re working + doing anything in the house at all with no kid + not even married.
Its already bad enough that she’s a SAH for literally no reason, but she isn’t even doing SAH work, which isn’t even a lot to begin with when its just two people.
You guys aren’t married, you make good money, and you’re young. Drop her dude.